Help...I have a Kool-Aid drinking Mind Numb Liberal Cousin! (My cousin's Christmas letter)

It's that time of year again, when I send out the latest updates for the year. And what a year indeed! First, I must get in my "told you so!" Yep, Bush is flushing 10 years of prosperity down the toilet faster than you can say Hail Mary! Fortunately the devastation has not yet hit us too hard in Colorado. Matthew is in kindergarten, Sean in second grade. Marsha is working at home with an Internet based order entry job. My work is going well, the economy has not yet hit us. We went to Montana to see Aunt Lisa this summer. We put a TV and VCR in the Caravan and it actually went fairly well. So travel is now becoming more possible. Lucy has chewed up everything and is now bigger than Matthew. She is a Golden Retriever and we hope to breed her next year. We want to wish everyone a very merry Christmas and that next year will bring better times for us all.

OK, so I lost a lot of investment money this year, but Mr. Bush got us a 600.00 rebate check! I would have rather seen it go to a prescription drug benefit for the elderly. Yes, the Grinch stole our prosperity and gave it to the rich. I would bet my salvation that Jesus does not approve of the Republican economic policy, especially right around the holidays. Of course, there is the convenient excuse of September 11th. As we return to the memories of the 80's, let us consider the 241 unarmed marines who died in Lebanon. The cargo planes full of weapons sent to Iran in exchange for hostages, to Bin Laden to fight the Soviets and to Saddam to fight Iran. I believe Dubya is doing a good job of cleaning up the mess his Dad left, but the economy was tanking long before 9-11. Don't insult this country by having a draft dodger use terrorism created from his dad's mistakes to give money to the rich. It turns out the anthrax was domestic with the culprit (like Oklahoma City) having Right wing Politics. The FBI reached that conclusion as only Liberals have been targeted. Surely Mr. Ashcroft will solve the case. Let's hope the war on terrorism will focus on the American Taliban next, our own right wing.

I have a holiday recipe for fundamentalist soufflé - mix a heavy dose of fundamentalism with government, with easy access to guns. Mix in some religion based education with low tax rates and school vouchers. Skin away all investment in infrastructure, diverting all resources to the military. Strip away social programs with a clever, then beat the women until they are tender. Remove all intellectuals and then sprinkle with school prayer. Bake for 10 years and then simmer until buildings start blowing up. Any intolerant religion works nicely!

If it were my cousin I would simply write back:

Dear Cousin {Name}, Thank you so much for your recent letter. What a refreshing change it was from the usual, boring, "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year" letters I'm used to getting from family. Who needs to hear about Christmas this time of year, anyway? It's always more interesting to read what passes for political thought on the Left these days.

Judging from your overall tone of self-satisfaction and smugness, you are obviously quite pleased with yourself, and doggone it why shouldn't you be? You have managed to swallow and then regurgitate every single cliche, prejudice and bit of propaganda put forth by the Left. Why, I'll bet you've even convinced yourself that these are your own ideas, and that they demonstrate how independent you are! Wow! It must be so difficult to be forced to share the earth with people who are less enlightened than you. Someday you must tell me how you manage to do it.

In the meantime, dear Cousin, I guess I'll have to muddle through as best I can. It's not easy for me, I'll admit. I'm not blessed with your gift of unquestioning belief in everything the Left preaches. No, sadly I have been saddled with this tendency to think for myself, and this has led me rather far away from what the Left preaches. Ah well, perhaps someday you will share with me your secret of getting through life without actually thinking. Until then, I guess I'll just have to keep using my head for something other than a hat rack.

Be well, Cousin.

Yours truly, etc.

Dear Norman,

I cannot tell you how thrilled I was to recieve your little holiday missive. I shared it with others in our family. I'm sure that they remember you despite what they say. I'm know that they enjoyed hearing from you because they could not stop laughing for hours.

I'm so happy to hear that Sean and Matthew are doing so well in school. Just think, little Matthew is in kindergarten. It is only the 23rd trimester if you catch my drift. . . It's never too late. The NEA assures us that there is a 1 in 100 chance that they will learn something, anything, before they graduate from High School. I can assure you that there is a 100% chance that they (and Lisa) will be smarter than their parents. Aren't we fortunate.

I'm very happy that Marsha is enjoying her new job. It sounds very exiting. Just think, after another time to two she may pass her GED and then she can really move up in the world. I hear that there is a former President who is looking for interns. I can attest that she is qualified just from meeting her once at that New Year's party a few years ago. Now that she is working at home I would recommend that you be careful where you let your Norwood dangle. Those hostile environment suits can be nasty.

I'm so glad that you let us know that you intend to breed Lisa next year. I hope that you don't intend to do all of the work yourself. Planned Parenthood for Puppies stresses the need for a good sire. Just look at Matthew and Sean and you will see what they mean.

Have you decorated your environmentally friendly Winter Festival tree yet? Since you are in Colorado I would suggest that you look up the Boulder Public Library. I hear that they have some interesting decorations for sale. Some that were left over from an art exhibit or something. We must all do our part to recycle.

You are certainly right about the religious right. Matthew and Sean's futures are severely compromised now that they are not eligible for the Boy Scouts. Maybe they can find a home in the Brownies. They need all the tolerance and diversity that they can get.

I enjoyed the story about your trip. I find it encouraging that you left home for this one. The only thing that concerns me is that you took Sean and Matthew along. Isn't Montana awfully close to Wyoming.

You are indeed fortunate that your talents are still in demand in this economy. As long as there are short pecker Democrats who can't hit a urinal there will be a need for your special skills.

As much as I enjoy your annual updates I have to inform you that I will be unavailable next year. I will be on special assignment for the Department of Enlightenment. We have heard that there are Santa Clauses in every mall in America. I will be looking for some people to be offended so we can shut down this onerous threat to our diversity. I'm sure you will understand. Don't try to contact me, you may blow my cover. Just wait by the telephone. I'll contact you when I need to hear your opinions.

Oh, and I hope Santa's reindeer leave you a little something in your stocking. Merry Christmas.

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I suppose your cousin blames the drop of MSFT and the Nasdaq in 2000 before the election on BUSH too ROFLMAO!