Posted on 08/29/2015 9:37:32 AM PDT by AndyTheBear
I am a computer engineer wishing to get a grant for research from whatever financial or political interests might give me one in the interest of showing that CO2 does not cause global warming.
If funded, I will make a computer model of the Earth's climate. One of the things I will assume is that CO2 does not cause global warming. I will otherwise apply basic principles with no bias except to tweak the model to match past temperature observations. If the model is off on future predictions, say by being consistently low in its predictions, I will seek to downplay the importance of predictability in science and rationalize it as some kind of temporary fluke and emphasize how many times I have run my simulation assuming CO2 does not contribute to warming and thus showing again and again and again that doesn't.
Moreover I will need funds to establish new scientific journals. A principle that I will demand and expect of these journals is to be hostile on peer reviews about climate of work that does not assume CO2 does not cause global warming. And completely accepting of any research about anything that suggests, no matter how absurdly, that its a horrible idea not to increase CO2 in the atmosphere. Of course I will need more money and power for this. I will then promote phony statistics about 97%, 98% or maybe even 99% or 112% of all scientists agree with me...by discounting any huge petitions of scientists that are not recognized by my journals as being out of their area of expertise. Only people that also make computer models that assume CO2 is not a problem will be considered scientists for the purpose of consensus. Galileo and company can go jump in a lake, the majority has spoken. My majority. The majority of the population of people that agree with me, agreeing with me because that is their livelihood as it is mine.
If the public is still not convinced, and if any continue to dare disagree with me. I will need to have a coalition of politicians and activists to mock and deride those who disagree as "deniers" or worse. Maybe suggest they deserve to be thrown in jail. After all, they are threatening the whole planet...and the scientific evidence...the sheer number of times I have assumed my theory is correct by running a simulation with no predictive value, but with a really really really profound dedication to my theory being correct...that overwhelming evidence must convince people...or they are anti-science.
I will bitch and moan and roll my eyes, when intelligent people are skeptical. I will get agitated and rude. Friendships will end. Others will tip toe around me.
I'm right dammit. Give me my funding. Isn't that how science works? You pay for the answer you want? What better way to perpetuate such a fraud then by computer models that assume your theory is already correct and then taking a poll of the people that are paid to run such models as the final authority on the matter being "settled science"? What is this talk about fraud? of hoax? Nobody who does not agree and run their own models assuming we are already right counts. Their opinions are nonsense. They are just stupid ignorant deniers.
(no not really seeking funding...satire)
(no not really seeking funding...satire)
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Too bad, I was writing you a check until I saw that.
Heretics have been burned at the stake for less.
:)
I know, I was just calling my accountant to wire him the money.
No offence, mate, but:
1) The humor in your post eludes Me.
2) You would be well advised to find more creative uses for your time.
3) This sounds like Mrs. Bill attempting to deliver a joke.
4) Don’t quit your day job.
and,
5) I want the 20 seconds it took to read this mildly annoying screed back.
Cheers, and mind the door on your way out. Soon.
Hey, maybe you and I could team up. I’m applying for a grant for research to ascertain why drug addicted black kids from fatherless homes in the ghetto are attracted to the gang lifestyle. Maybe I could piggyback my request on yours?
Everyone remembers President Eisenhower warning about the military industrial complex, but in the same speech, he warned of the governmental-academic research grant complex.
You’ve just revealed the latter.
I'm looking for a grant that shows that "Global C02, Climate Warming" causes some people to vote Conservative.
So you don’t want a check, right?
I was going to ask for account information for a wire transfer.
“.........interest of showing that CO2 does not cause global warming. “
No government funding for subversives!
Do a completely deadpan pitch, and run with it. Follow-up with some extremely improbably "findings". Get a graphic artist to make some catchy illustrations.
There could be a lot of entertainment value in this project, and you might even turn a small profit.
i really did not specifically have you in mind when i wrote it. But now that i realize that You (yes capitalizing the Y, sir)...don't like it...oh my...whatever will I do?
hehehehe, I will consider it. Any collaboration is welcome, but I really don't want to get any profit for it.
“whatever will I do? “
Try not writing vanities. You’re not good at them.
Thank you for the constructive criticism. I will give it all the consideration it deserves.
On a serious note, we have Joe Bastardi, nationally renowned meterologist and Secret Freeper, doing real research on this and fighting the good fight against the GW fanatics. He is truly a treasure.
He has an entertaining Twitter feed as well @BigJoeBastardi
Apologies. I should have been more specific: “alleged” humor.
Then re-read the second point.
I believe Isaac Asimov wrote a good book on joke-making. I cannot emphasize strongly enough how much you should try to acquire and study it thoroughly. Repeatedly, as well.
Oh, and just as an aside... imbibing of The Golden Nectar so early in the day is not recommended. Try a nice cuppa instead -or coffee if that is your preference.
Cheers.
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