Posted on 02/11/2012 8:48:22 AM PST by DouglasKC
Media Response to Anita Li, from the Toronto Star
Since you took the time to email us with your requests like we asked, I’ll take the time to give you an honest follow-up response. You’ll have to forgive me for doing so publicly though; again I want to be sure my words are portrayed the way I actually say them, not cut together to make entirely different points.
Your questions were: Q: Why did you decide to reprimand your daughter over a public medium like YouTube?
A: Well, I actually just had to load the video file itself on YouTube because it’s a better upload process than Facebook, but the intended audience was her Facebook friends and the parents of those friends who saw her post and would naturally assume we let our children get away with something like that. So, to answer “Why did you reprimand her over a public medium like Facebook” my answer is this: Because that’s how I was raised. If I did something embarrassing to my parents in public (such as a grocery store) I got my tail tore up right there in front of God and everyone, right there in the store. I put the reprisal in exactly the same medium she did, in the exact same manner. Her post went out to about 452 people. Mine went out to about 550 people… originally. I had no idea it would become what it did.
Q: How effective do you think your punishment was (i.e. shooting her laptop and reading her letter online)?
A: I think it was very effective on one front. She apparently didn’t remember being talked to about previous incidents, nor did she seem to remember the effects of having it taken away, nor did the eventual long-term grounding seem to get through to her. I think she thought “Well, I’ll just wait it out and I’ll get it back eventually.” Her behavior corrected for a short time, and then it went back to what it was before and worse. This time, she won’t ever forget and it’ll be a long time before she has an opportunity to post on Facebook again. I feel pretty certain that every day from then to now, whenever one of her friends mentions Facebook, she’ll remember it and wish she hadn’t done what she did.
The second lesson I want her to learn is the value of a dollar. We don’t give her everything she asks for, but you can all imagine what it’s like being the only grandchild and the first child. Presents and money come from all sides when you’re young. Most of the things she has that are “cool” were bought or gifted that way. She’s always asked for very few things, but they’re always high-dollar things (iPod, laptop, smartphone, etc). Eventually she gets given enough money to get them. That’s not learning the value of a dollar. Its knowing how to save money, which I greatly applaud in her, but it’s not enough. She wants a digital SLR camera. She wants a 22 rifle like mine. She wants a car. She wants a smart phone with a data package and unlimited texting. (I have to hear about that one every week!)
She thinks all these things are supposed to be given to her because she’s got parents. It’s not going to happen, at least not in our house. She can get a job and work for money just like everyone else. Then she can spend it on anything she wants (within reason). If she wants to work for two months to save enough to purchase a $1000 SLR camera with an $800 lens, then I can guarantee she’ll NEVER leave it outside at night. She’ll be careful when she puts it away and carries it around. She’ll value it much more because she worked so hard to get it. Instead, with the current way things have been given to her, she's on about her fourth phone and just expects another one when she breaks the one she has. She's not sorry about breaking it, or losing it, she's sorry only because she can't text her friends. I firmly believe she'll be a LOT more careful when she has to buy her own $299.00 Motorola Razr smartphone.
Until then, she can do chores, and lots and lots of them, so the people who ARE feeding her, clothing her, paying for all her school trips, paying for her musical instruments, can have some time to relax after they finish working to support her and the rest of the family. She can either work to make money on her own, or she will do chores to contribute around the house. She’s known all along that all she has to do is get a job and a lot of these chores will go away. But if you’re too lazy to work even to get things you want for yourself, I’m certainly not going to let you sit idly on your rear-end with your face glued to both the TV and Facebook for 5 to 6 hours per night. Those days are over.
Q: How did your daughter respond to the video and to what happened to her laptop?
A: She responded to the video with “I can’t believe you shot my computer!” That was the first thing she said when she found out about it. Then we sat and we talked for quite a long while on the back patio about the things she did, the things I did in response, etc.
Later after she’d had time to process it and I’d had time to process her thoughts on the matters we discussed, we were back to a semi-truce… you know that uncomfortable moment when you’re in the kitchen with your child after an argument and you’re both waiting to see which one’s going to cave in and resume normal conversation first? Yeah, that moment. I told her about the video response and about it going viral and about the consequences it could have on our family for the next couple of days and asked if she wanted to see some of the comments people had made. After the first few hundred comments, she was astounded with the responses.
People were telling her she was going to commit suicide, commit a gun-related crime, become a drug addict, drop out of school, get pregnant on purpose, and become a stripper because she’s too emotionally damaged now to be a productive member of society. Apparently stripper was the job-choice of most of the commenters. Her response was “Dude… it’s only a computer. I mean, yeah I’m mad but pfft.” She actually asked me to post a comment on one of the threads (and I did) asking what other job fields the victims of laptop-homicide were eligible for because she wasn’t too keen on the stripping thing.
We agreed we learned two collective lessons from this so far:
First: As her father, I’ll definitely do what I say I will, both positive and negative and she can depend on that. She no longer has any doubt about that.
Second: We have always told her what you put online can affect you forever. Years later a single Facebook/MySpace/Twitter comment can affect her eligibility for a good job and can even get her fired from a job she already has. She’s seen first-hand through this video the worst possible scenario that can happen. One post, made by her Dad, will probably follow him the rest of his life; just like those mean things she said on Facebook will stick with the people her words hurt for a long time to come. Once you put it out there, you can’t take it back, so think carefully before you use the internet to broadcast your thoughts and feelings.
That is a well thought out essay. Exactly the opposite of what I saw on his video.
More...this time on ALL the dogooders who called the police and cps on him:
“For those that feel the need to keep calling the police and CPS. lol
Apparently both the local police and the department of social services are OK with it. Yes they came. Of course they came. They received enough “Oh my god he’s going to kill his daughter” comments that they had to. I knew that the moment it went viral.. it was too late and it was inevitable. I’m only surprised it took as long as it did to be honest.
The police by the way said “Kudos, Sir” and most of them made their kids watch it. I actually had a “thank you” from an entire detectives squad. And another police officer is using it in a positive manner in his presentation for the school system. How’s about those apples? Didn’t expect THAT when you called the cops did you?
The kind lady from Child Protective Services looked all through the house, the yard, and found ours to be a healthy home. She saw the unloaded guns in their rack with the magazines removed and stored separately and safely. Funny thing: The case officer asked to see “the gun”.... “Umm, sir, may I see the actual..umm.. weapon used for the video?” She wasn’t at all scared of me but I could tell she doesn’t like guns as a general rule. To each their own though. She was comfortable that I was adhering to NC gun safety regulations for the protection of minors, and that’s all she needed. But of course if you want to continue, I’m just going to leave a pot of coffee on for the next officers who come by. (Digress: Maybe I can get Krispy Kreme to sponsor me with lifetime donuts? Oh God that would be heaven. Dunkin? Crap... KK all the way....)
She asked if I minded if she interviewed my daughter privately but that I didn’t have to agree. I let her meet in private and then she and I met for about an hour and a half. At the end of the day, no I’m not losing my kids, no one’s in danger of being ripped from our home that I know of, and I actually got to spend some time with the nice lady and learn some cool parenting tips that I didn’t know.. I use them on my 8 year old son, but not on my fifteen year old daughter.. but now I will! There were a few things I thought she was “too old” for, but after talking to the case worker, I feel like it’s worth a shot to try them. Maybe I’ll sell those secrets in my next book! (Seriously? You just got mad didn’t you? I’m kidding. Besides, that would still only give me two pages of material- one parent tip page and one page on handgun selection techniques appropriate for different electronic destructive purposes.)”
He printed it out and read it on his video response.
Mostly...complaining about chores and insulting her parents.
I think the clincher that probably provoked gunfire was when she declared she couldn’t wait until they were too old to wipe their own asses.
She thinks all these things are supposed to be given to her because she’s got parents. It’s not going to happen, at least not in our house. She can get a job and work for money just like everyone else. Then she can spend it on anything she wants (within reason). If she wants to work for two months to save enough to purchase a $1000 SLR camera with an $800 lens, then I can guarantee she’ll NEVER leave it outside at night. She’ll be careful when she puts it away and carries it around. She’ll value it much more because she worked so hard to get it. Instead, with the current way things have been given to her, she's on about her fourth phone and just expects another one when she breaks the one she has. She's not sorry about breaking it, or losing it, she's sorry only because she can't text her friends. I firmly believe she'll be a LOT more careful when she has to buy her own $299.00 Motorola Razr smartphone.
Thanks.
More: This time on would he do anything different? :
Update:
This may come as a wild shock to some.. wait for it.. wait.... (I need that guy who did the awesome HD youtube parody to do me an intro here. Where is he when I need him?)
I’m NOT a hero... of ANY kind... at all.
I’m not a super-dad, or awesome parent.
I’m a normal guy with reasonable a moral compass that I try very hard to keep pointed north. I make a LOT of mistakes. Did I say a LOT? I mean a WHOLE lot! Daily... sometimes hourly!
I’m extremely lucky to have a very strong wife who tolerates me and puts up with my mistakes, and who herself is strong enough that she can put me in my place with only a look.. no really.. you haven’t seen her “I’m not kidding anymore” face... it’s serious.
(For example I can apparently destroy a laptop and garnish world-wide attention in mere seconds, but I guarantee tomorrow morning my wife will say “Hey Chuck Norris. Make the freakin BED WILL YOU PLEASE” because I’ll forget to.
(I have to admit the “Chuck Norris wears Tommy Jordan pajamas” comment will stay with me for the rest of my life. I want that on a bumper sticker!)
I’m lucky to have great kids (two of them) who look up to me despite all my mistakes.
I make bad parenting decisions all the time. We all do. Personally, I stand behind the decision I made earlier this week by posting the video. I don’t find fault with it. If I had it to do again... let’s see... I’d do it almost the same.
I’d not be smoking a cigarette. (That’s a habit I promised my wife I’d quit as soon as I could afford to just go out and buy a Chantix prescription. She absolutely hates it and I’m getting mature enough to want to quit it for my own reasons as well.)
I’d not have used the word “ass” in my comment directed at my daughter. That was rude and a bad example of a parent using the “Do as I say, not as I do” philosophy
I’d have worn my Silverbelly Stetson, not my Tilley hat if I’d known that image was going to follow me the rest of my life and I’d probably have cleaned my boots.
That’s it. I meant all the rest of it. My wife is OK with it. My daughter is OK with it. My Mother is OK with it. I’m OK with it. We’re the only ones that matter.
do I need more coffee? Or this guy’s name nowhere to be found in the article?
I’d love to look at his FB page -if I can find it!
The teen girl's response to "Laptop-o-cide!"
The link at the top where it says “Facebook” will take you to his page...or should.
The police by the way said “Kudos, Sir” and most of them made their kids watch it. I actually had a “thank you” from an entire detectives squad. And another police officer is using it in a positive manner in his presentation for the school system. How’s about those apples? Didn’t expect THAT when you called the cops did you?
Our friend is gonna get a case of the vapors when she hears about all of these abusers!
I agree 100% with his philosophy, but couldn’t he have just confiscated her laptop and locked it up for a month or two?
Oh please. A laptop is nothing compared to his daughter’s life and well being. Learning how to respect others, showing a little humility, contributing to the family by doing chores, and knowing how to earn an honest buck will serve her better through her lifetime than any laptop is worth. As Calvin’s dad would say, “It builds character.”
I know it's great!
His responses show me someone who is able to look critically at themselves in the mirror. So with that, I find no real fault with him at all. Kids drive ya’ nuts because we love them so much.
Then why did you put it out then in public inviting the whole "village" to comment?
Actually, I'm 3/4 convinced the whole thing was an act. Reality show here we come.
Guess you missed that part.
He addressed that I believe...if he merely locked it up it would send the message that she would get it back if she just was "good" for a month or two. She had done this already. This sent the message that it's not coming back unless you want to get a job, save up, and buy one for yourself.
I noticed (am I the only one?) at about 7:10 in the video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jr7vSJHkchs just before he fires the first round, he thumbs the hammer back. That means there was already a round in the chamber. That means he was carrying a 1911 with the hammer down on a live round. Not too smart, IMO.
I'm certain many would say the same thing unless they thought about it for a little while.
What you had here was a 15 year old girl building a flawed ego and attempting to display it in a public setting in front of her peers. I'm sure her "letter" was written out of frustration, but it was done using a flawed perspective of reality and a goal of humiliating her parents in a public setting.
In her letter of contempt, she showed no willingness to attempt restraint and took a private family matter into the public. It was done to vent, try and garner support for what she views as her suffering" and to put her parents on defense.
The father needed to prove a few things. First, "I'll always up the ante no matter HOW high you bet". Second, he needed to make a spectacle that she wouldn't soon forget. Third, he needed to show her how humiliating it can be when you publicly air your internal family matters and finally, he had to destroy that flawed ego in the same setting where it was used against him and show her that everything she is, hand everything she has is a direct product of HIS efforts... He want for her to change that by getting a job.
I think he managed the whole thing pretty well, considering. In hindsight, I'm sure he wishes he would have waited a day until he wasn't so angry and hurt, but that's hindsight and we can all find enough fault in our own actions to keep us busy with that.
I think he accomplished the goals.
She will never again take a private matter to the public.
She now understand who the REAL owner of her property is since she won't work for it.
She now knows to NEVER challenge the authority of her father. He just might react in a completely unexpected way.
She now knows if you are going to play adult games, there will be embarrassing adult consequences.
Above all, I think watching her father stutter and spit for 8 minutes while trying to control his rage has shown her that her Dad is a real person with real feelings. Hopefully, she has learned to be more considerate of that reality and show him the respect he deserves.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.