Iowahawk: The Idiossey - Revised and Updated

Iowahawk | January 22, 2009 | David Burge

[EveningStar]

The Idiossey

The Not-Really-That-Epic Poem of Obamacles
Revised and Updated

(with Apologies to Homer)

Book the First: A question for the Muse

Continued

[EveningStar]

ping

[dighton]

PING!

[rightwingintelligentsia]

Book the Eighth: The Contest of November

"Who dares challenge me now?" asked Obamacles. "For I am Obacles, vanquisher of Hildusa, of whom all of Demos sing; Make him the mightiest, so that I might find him worthy."

"Your foe will be the grizzled warrior Crustius," said the Doritos,
As Obamacles laughed in disbelief; for though brave Crustius
had once proved great valor in the tragic war of Namos, He had grown old and addled sailing the Sea of Maverikus.
In years a full score he sailed, seeking the fabled Microphone of Media,
Only to crash on its shoals, lured to doom by the flattery of the Sirens.

"Be not hasty in thy hubris, Obamacles," warned the Doritos.
"Although he is old and stranded and beset by mutineers, grizzled Crustius is far craftier than in your imaginings."

True to the prophesy of the Doritos, wily Crustius had a secret trick up his toga.
From his rock-strewn shipwreck he summoned Palina, huntress of Wasilla,
Whose fertile loins had many odd-named children bore,
Bristol and Trig, Dakota and Algebra, Calculus and Physed, And yet she retained the visage and figure of a goddess.

Palina emerged from the sea, springing fully formed from a clamshell,
Brandishing the spear that had slain a thousand antlered beasts.
Once mutinous, the Crustonauts were instantly heartened, For now they and sensed a chance at victory.

Although his pollsters warned of danger, Obamacles was stalwart
For he knew just how he got here. "Attack," he beckoned very calmly,
And from across the land of Soros, a thousand score of demons answered;
HuffPo nutjobs, New York Kronos, the shrieking hags of talk TV,
Couric, Fey, Oprah, Behar, the hermaphrodites of NBC.

Palina was undaunted by the minions and thus she battled gamely on.
But at last she was attacked by Crustius himself;
For so addled and contrary was the wizened sailor That he had forgotten which side he was on.
Vanquished Palina returned to Wasilla to fight another day, While Crustius sails again, forever seeking the elusive Sirens of Media.

[STONEWALLS]

“whose ears like a stately urn’s protrude?”

...great line! Iowa Hawk at his best.

[GeronL]

Is it all written like that? Thats hilarious.

[Constitution Day]

HA!

Now behold him, brave Obamacles,
Who strides triumphant down Pennsylvania Avenue,
With Victimia at his side in a gown of golden brocade,
Hewn from the finest hotel draperies.
Behold his ascent to the marble dais to swear his oath,
Which Justice Roberts flubs; so dazzled is he
by our hero's pure magnificence.

[xsmommy]

this may be his best ever, i stand in awe!

[AnAmericanMother]

Homer had better look to his laurels.

[Congressman Billybob]

Iowa,

You get better and better. This is beyond Dennis Miller's reference to cave men in Kubrekian rage.... Fine, fine work.

John / Billybob

[RichInOC]

All praise Palina Optima Maxima!

[aculeus]

BTTT!

[Charles Henrickson]

I'm bookmarking this. Not only is Iowahawk a good satirist, but my daughter (13) just got done reading the Iliad and the Odyssey, and I bet she will get a kick out of reading this.

BTW, we rented the movie, O Brother, Where Art Thou?, and it has points of contact with Homer's work also.

[JoeFromSidney]

Best laugh I've had in days. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

[Eric in the Ozarks]

The Eighth Book is a Beaut !

[Pessimist]

Man, that guy can write!!

[ForeignDude]

Iowahawk’s on a roll, baby!

[BlessedMom92]

I hope that everybody who has read this re-reads the new stuff. My favorite part (outside of “Victimia”):

Obamacles look out onto his drooling throngs, and wept;
for then he realized then may be things even gods can’t do.

Is this man hewn from Olympus,
Sent by Zeus to save our souls?
Or a plastic dashboard Jesus
In a car he can’t control?

Will this Adonis save the planet?
Or is he fleecing golden sheep?
Ask another Muse tomorrow,
Hell if I know, it’s all Greek to me.

Burma Shave

[andy58-in-nh]

As I write, I have tears streaming down my face. This might be Iowahawk’s best and funniest effort, ever - and that is saying a great deal. Bravo!!!

[Iron Munro]

This is absolutely the best since Orson Welles did “The Begatting of the President”