When A Woman Isn't In The Mood: Part I (Dennis Prager On Why Sex Is So Important To A Man Alert)

Townhall.com ^ | 12/23/2008 | Dennis Prager

[goldstategop]

Given our preoccupation with politics and economics, it is easy to forget that for most of us micro issues still play a greater role in our lives. So here are some thoughts that, as heretical as they might sound, have been found extremely helpful, sometimes even marriage-saving, from listeners to my radio show, which features a male-female hour every week.

The subject is one of the most common problems that besets marriages: the wife who is not in the mood and the consequently frustrated and hurt husband.

There are marriages with the opposite problem -- a wife who is frustrated and hurt because her husband is rarely in the mood. But, as important and as destructive as that problem is, it has different causes and different solutions, and is therefore not addressed here. What is addressed is the far more common problem of He wants, she doesn't want.

It is an axiom of contemporary marital life that if a wife is not in the mood, she need not have sex with her husband. Here are some arguments why a woman who loves her husband might want to rethink this axiom.

First, women need to recognize how a man understands a wifes refusal to have sex with him: A husband knows that his wife loves him first and foremost by her willingness to give her body to him. This is rarely the case for women. Few women know their husband loves them because he gives her his body (the idea sounds almost funny). This is, therefore, usually a revelation to a woman. Many women think men's natures are similar to theirs, and this is so different from a woman's nature, that few women know this about men unless told about it.

This is a major reason many husbands clam up. A man whose wife frequently denies him sex will first be hurt, then sad, then angry, then quiet. And most men will never tell their wives why they have become quiet and distant. They are afraid to tell their wives. They are often made to feel ashamed of their male sexual nature, and they are humiliated (indeed emasculated) by feeling that they are reduced to having to beg for sex.

When first told this about men, women generally react in one or more of five ways:

1. You have to be kidding. That certainly isn't my way of knowing if he loves me. There have to be deeper ways than sex for me to show my husband that I love him.

2. If this is true, men really are animals.

3. Not my man. He knows I love him by the kind and loving way I treat him.

4. You have it backwards. If he truly loved me, he wouldnt expect sex when I'm not in the mood.

5. I know this and that's why I rarely say no to sex.

Lets deal with each of these responses.

1. You have to be kidding.

The most common female reaction to hearing about men's sexual nature is incredulity, often followed by denial. These are entirely understandable reactions given how profoundly different -- and how seemingly more primitive -- men's sexual nature is compared to women's.

Incredulity is certainly the reaction most women have when first being told that a man knows he is loved when his wife gives him her body. The idea that the man she is married to, let alone a man whose intelligence she respects, will to any serious extent measure her love of him by such a carnal yardstick strikes many women as absurd and even objectionable.

But the question that should matter to a woman who loves her man is not whether this proposition speaks poorly or well of male nature. It is whether it is true. And it is true beyond anything she can imagine. A woman who often deprives her husband of her body is guaranteed to injure him and to injure the marriage -- no matter what her female friends say, no matter what a sympathetic therapist says, and no matter what her man says. (Very few men will confess to the amount of hurt and eventual anger they experience when repeatedly denied sex).

Of course, there are times when a man must simply refrain from initiating sex out of concern for his wife's physical or emotional condition. And then there are men for whom sex rarely has anything to do with making love or whose frequency of demands are excessive. (What excessive means ought to be determined by the couple before the refusals begin, or continue.) But the fact remains: Your man knows you love him by your willingness to give him your body.

2. If this is true, men really are animals.

Correct. Compared to most women's sexual nature, men's sexual nature is far closer to that of animals. So what? That is the way he is made. Blame God and nature. Telling your husband to control it is a fine idea. But he already does. Every man who is sexually faithful to his wife already engages in daily heroic self-control. He has married knowing he will have to deny his sexual natures desire for variety for the rest of his life. To ask that he also regularly deny himself sex with the one woman in the world with whom he is permitted sex is asking far too much. Deny him enough times and he may try to fill this need with another woman. If he is too moral to ever do that, he will match your sexual withdrawal with emotional and other forms of withdrawal.

3. Not my man.

Many women will argue, understandably, My husband knows I love him. He doesn't need me to have sex with him to know that. And this is especially so when Im too tired or just don't want sex. Anyway, my man only enjoys sex with me when I'm into it, too.

The importance of mutual kindness to a marriage is impossible to overstate. But while necessary, it is not sufficient. Women can understand this by applying the same rule to men. Most women will readily acknowledge that it is certainly not enough for a man to be kind to her. If it were, women would rarely reject kind men as husband material. But as much as a woman wants a kind man, she wants more than that. If a man is, let us say, lacking in ambition or just doesn't want to work hard, few women will love him no matter how kind he is. In fact, most women would happily give up some kindness for hard work and ambition. A kind man with little ambition is not masculine, therefore not desirable to most women.

Likewise, a kind woman who is not sexual with her husband is not feminine. She is a kind roommate.

Furthermore, a woman who denies the man she loves sex is not kind.

4. You have it backward.

Every rational and decent man knows there are times when he should not initiate sex. In a marriage of good communication, a man would either know when those times are or his wife would tell him (and she needs to -- women should not expect men to read their minds. He is her man, not her mother.)

But, to repeat the key point, rejection of sex should happen infrequently. And it should almost never be dependent on mood -- see Part II next week.

5. I know this and that's why I rarely say no to my husband.

This is a wise woman. She knows a sexually fulfilled husband is a happy husband. (At the same time, men need to recognize that complete sexual fulfillment is unattainable in this world.) And because a happy husband loves his wife more, this cycle of love produces a happy home.

In Part II, I will explain in detail why mood should play little or no role in a woman's determining whether she has sex with her husband.

I conclude Part I with this clarification: Everything written here applies under two conditions: 1. The woman is married to a good man. 2. She wants him to be a happy husband. If either condition is not present, nothing written here matters. But if you are a woman who loves your husband, what is written here can be the most important thing you will read concerning your marriage. Because chances are the man you love won't tell you.

[Hot Tabasco]

and Merry Christmas to you too!

[grey_whiskers]

My wife has often compared the female response to a diesel engine. Takes awhile to get her warmed up, but once you do...

Usually takes her about 30-45 minutes and then she doesn't want to stop for hours.

Now if we could only get our teenagers to leave us alone before 11:00 PM, we'd be all set. :-)

Cheers!

...oh, and Merry Christmas!

[grey_whiskers]

Idle hands are the devil’s workshop. If you take sex out of the marriage, something else takes its place.

FREEPing?!!

[AppyPappy]

yup.

[PapaBear3625]

My husband couldn't understand that, after working ten hours, cooking dinner, looking after our daughters needs and preparing for the next day, I was done. There was no more. Elvis had left the building.

This is why,at the beginning of our marriage, we decided that I would work and she would be at home, and our standard of living would be determined by what I made. It works out better this way.

[thirst4truth]

Great Article, looking forward to part 2

[Tax-chick]

Our teenagers get hauled off to bed by the ears, if necessary. All I have to do is bat my eyes at Der Prinz and say, “If you want any personal attention from me, you’ll get them out of here by nine ...”

[Just another Joe]

I think that's great! Did you, by chance, have older sisters?

No, just a good example when it came to my parents.
They taught by example that marriage is a partnership.
When one partner is out of the loop, the other partner picks up the slack or the business (marriage) goes under.

[csmusaret]

He should have gone to Jared’s.

[DoughtyOne]

Thank you Twink. Merry Christmas...

[RobRoy]

>>True, but when a woman gives herself against her desire she will not be feeling “incredible love”.<<

I see love as an action, not a feeling.

[RobRoy]

>>Your whole statement says that you married the wrong woman the first time and the right one the second time. You are agreeing with me, not arguing with me.<<

I am agreeing with you that it is important. I am also saying that for the massive majority of young people it is dumb luck. Like winning a lottery where your chances of winning are about 32%.

[RobRoy]

Twenty dollars! I guess if his wife were a crack whore, twenty would cover it.

Actually, in this world there is really no need to pay for it. Well, unless you're this guy:

To steal/modify from an old Groucho Marx line, I would never pay $20 to have sex with a woman who would agree to have sex for $20.

The reason so many men think woman are only after their money, is because that is how they'd be, were they female. Actually, that comes from experience with women, and you can take it to the bank. I am dead serious here. Fact is, women are designed to value security while men value autonomy and freedom to build and control their own castle. Giving women the vote is one reason we are so socialist now, but I digress.

[wardaddy]

He, by the way, has only worked one day a week over the last five and a half years

and you work and he refuses to help clean up?

unless he is sick, you have a problem dear....hell, any man that would sit home and let his woman work for him is a breed I fail to recognize anyhow

nothing personal

[RobRoy]

>>When the main priority of the loving husband and the loving wife is the happiness and well being of the other, all the elements of a happy marriage and family fall into place.<<

Absolutely! The movie “Fireproof” is really must-viewing for any couple planning on getting married or already married.

[Gilbo_3]

as an afterthought yesterday while i was finnishin trim painting in the hallway, the reply of another poster kept hitting me...

his reply was that he didnt get outta bed and go to work everyday because he 'was in the mood', just the same as i wasnt painting the hall for sh!tz and giggles...we do these things because they simply need to get done...

now i could be resentful and grudgingly paint, or goto work, but itll show in the finished product, therefore I adapt my mood, because I know that Mrs g as well s myself wants to see the hallway look presentable, and I want the kids to have shoes and food that they need...

no different than any of the other 'chores' on the 'laundry list'......so they get done...without resentment makes em go much better in the long run...

there IS A NEEDfor sex hardwired into most animals...especially the male of the species so for the ladies that dont like sex, or 'feel its a chore'...I bet the laundry list still gets done...and furthermore, if a little effort and forethought were built into the agenda, sex with your husband could very well be a pleasurable diversion from the laundry list...

communication is most valuable in this area of a relationship...if its being resented, then there is a problem...

my .02

[Gilbo_3]

as an aside...I deal with a LOT of people with very destructive personal problems in my main side 'ministry' [AA]...

In the last few years, the theory that stands out the most, is that all human beings, have three basic instincts...ALL God given and used in this life to varying extremes...benficially and destructively...

1 Social...the need to interact with others and achieve our percieved place in society...

2 Security...having those things that enable us to survive and thrive in the world around us...food, shelter etc...

3 Sexual...to at the least reproduce [instinct]...to any extreme of self-centeredness of abuse of the instinct...

this thread obviously deals with sex, but they all really do inter-relate annd the lines become blurred...

the simple fact is that God made the orgasm a VERY pleasurable and fleeting experience...most guys have no problem 'gettin there'...or theirs' as the case may be ...

ladies could do themselves alot of good if they would communicate and help their mates to help them be 'happy'...

I think that would reduce the use of the word 'chore' quite a bit...

[DoughtyOne]

Your comments make sense to me. Thanks for the comments. I agree with that last thought in particular, communication is the key.

[Scotswife]

“How many times will the buddy come back to visit before deciding to go to the bar instead ???”

It’s a good question - but I was only trying to compare similar situations - not exact situations.

My point - is that it is very difficult for the women to “engage” when her brain isn’t involved - when she isn’t “in the mood”.

So I guess another good question would be..how can the buddy get his friend’s attention?

I’m not saying this is how it should be “every” time.
I’ve already said much of Mr. Prager’s article is very good.

I’m talking about the section where he’s addressing women who aren’t in the mood.

[Scotswife]

A lucky man!
Merry Christmas!