Posted on 12/23/2008 12:09:15 AM PST by goldstategop
Given our preoccupation with politics and economics, it is easy to forget that for most of us micro issues still play a greater role in our lives. So here are some thoughts that, as heretical as they might sound, have been found extremely helpful, sometimes even marriage-saving, from listeners to my radio show, which features a male-female hour every week.
The subject is one of the most common problems that besets marriages: the wife who is not in the mood and the consequently frustrated and hurt husband.
There are marriages with the opposite problem -- a wife who is frustrated and hurt because her husband is rarely in the mood. But, as important and as destructive as that problem is, it has different causes and different solutions, and is therefore not addressed here. What is addressed is the far more common problem of He wants, she doesn't want.
It is an axiom of contemporary marital life that if a wife is not in the mood, she need not have sex with her husband. Here are some arguments why a woman who loves her husband might want to rethink this axiom.
First, women need to recognize how a man understands a wifes refusal to have sex with him: A husband knows that his wife loves him first and foremost by her willingness to give her body to him. This is rarely the case for women. Few women know their husband loves them because he gives her his body (the idea sounds almost funny). This is, therefore, usually a revelation to a woman. Many women think men's natures are similar to theirs, and this is so different from a woman's nature, that few women know this about men unless told about it.
This is a major reason many husbands clam up. A man whose wife frequently denies him sex will first be hurt, then sad, then angry, then quiet. And most men will never tell their wives why they have become quiet and distant. They are afraid to tell their wives. They are often made to feel ashamed of their male sexual nature, and they are humiliated (indeed emasculated) by feeling that they are reduced to having to beg for sex.
When first told this about men, women generally react in one or more of five ways:
1. You have to be kidding. That certainly isn't my way of knowing if he loves me. There have to be deeper ways than sex for me to show my husband that I love him.
2. If this is true, men really are animals.
3. Not my man. He knows I love him by the kind and loving way I treat him.
4. You have it backwards. If he truly loved me, he wouldnt expect sex when I'm not in the mood.
5. I know this and that's why I rarely say no to sex.
Lets deal with each of these responses.
1. You have to be kidding.
The most common female reaction to hearing about men's sexual nature is incredulity, often followed by denial. These are entirely understandable reactions given how profoundly different -- and how seemingly more primitive -- men's sexual nature is compared to women's.
Incredulity is certainly the reaction most women have when first being told that a man knows he is loved when his wife gives him her body. The idea that the man she is married to, let alone a man whose intelligence she respects, will to any serious extent measure her love of him by such a carnal yardstick strikes many women as absurd and even objectionable.
But the question that should matter to a woman who loves her man is not whether this proposition speaks poorly or well of male nature. It is whether it is true. And it is true beyond anything she can imagine. A woman who often deprives her husband of her body is guaranteed to injure him and to injure the marriage -- no matter what her female friends say, no matter what a sympathetic therapist says, and no matter what her man says. (Very few men will confess to the amount of hurt and eventual anger they experience when repeatedly denied sex).
Of course, there are times when a man must simply refrain from initiating sex out of concern for his wife's physical or emotional condition. And then there are men for whom sex rarely has anything to do with making love or whose frequency of demands are excessive. (What excessive means ought to be determined by the couple before the refusals begin, or continue.) But the fact remains: Your man knows you love him by your willingness to give him your body.
2. If this is true, men really are animals.
Correct. Compared to most women's sexual nature, men's sexual nature is far closer to that of animals. So what? That is the way he is made. Blame God and nature. Telling your husband to control it is a fine idea. But he already does. Every man who is sexually faithful to his wife already engages in daily heroic self-control. He has married knowing he will have to deny his sexual natures desire for variety for the rest of his life. To ask that he also regularly deny himself sex with the one woman in the world with whom he is permitted sex is asking far too much. Deny him enough times and he may try to fill this need with another woman. If he is too moral to ever do that, he will match your sexual withdrawal with emotional and other forms of withdrawal.
3. Not my man.
Many women will argue, understandably, My husband knows I love him. He doesn't need me to have sex with him to know that. And this is especially so when Im too tired or just don't want sex. Anyway, my man only enjoys sex with me when I'm into it, too.
The importance of mutual kindness to a marriage is impossible to overstate. But while necessary, it is not sufficient. Women can understand this by applying the same rule to men. Most women will readily acknowledge that it is certainly not enough for a man to be kind to her. If it were, women would rarely reject kind men as husband material. But as much as a woman wants a kind man, she wants more than that. If a man is, let us say, lacking in ambition or just doesn't want to work hard, few women will love him no matter how kind he is. In fact, most women would happily give up some kindness for hard work and ambition. A kind man with little ambition is not masculine, therefore not desirable to most women.
Likewise, a kind woman who is not sexual with her husband is not feminine. She is a kind roommate.
Furthermore, a woman who denies the man she loves sex is not kind.
4. You have it backward.
Every rational and decent man knows there are times when he should not initiate sex. In a marriage of good communication, a man would either know when those times are or his wife would tell him (and she needs to -- women should not expect men to read their minds. He is her man, not her mother.)
But, to repeat the key point, rejection of sex should happen infrequently. And it should almost never be dependent on mood -- see Part II next week.
5. I know this and that's why I rarely say no to my husband.
This is a wise woman. She knows a sexually fulfilled husband is a happy husband. (At the same time, men need to recognize that complete sexual fulfillment is unattainable in this world.) And because a happy husband loves his wife more, this cycle of love produces a happy home.
In Part II, I will explain in detail why mood should play little or no role in a woman's determining whether she has sex with her husband.
I conclude Part I with this clarification: Everything written here applies under two conditions: 1. The woman is married to a good man. 2. She wants him to be a happy husband. If either condition is not present, nothing written here matters. But if you are a woman who loves your husband, what is written here can be the most important thing you will read concerning your marriage. Because chances are the man you love won't tell you.
Good for you. I knew a guy that had that problem. His father in law didn’t want his Mexican ancestry Catholic daughter marrying outside the race and religion. It took some years, but it finally changed. The guy was a go-getter and was quite successful. That always helps.
LOL I can’t explain em, I just document the activity.
LOL! I guess I’ll have to start using the line...”wanna drain that prostrate again?”
Not all of them. The women I know who are of the capital-E Emotional types, are also very good at manipulating emotions, both their husbands and their own. It's a fools errand to think that a husband can change such a woman's mood to anything that she doesn't want it to be.
I don’t know what to do with a statement like, “Get a clue guys. It’s not all about you.”
The part that seems to be forgotten here, is that the guy isn’t trying to be offensive to his mate. He is trying to spend some intimate time with her. He is trying to give her pleasure. This isn’t all about him. It’s about a committed relationship, and one where he expects her to enjoy his advances just like he will enjoy hers.
By saying no, she is the one who is saying, “It’s all about me.” He is saying, it’s all about the both of us. I love you. I want to be intimate with you because I love you. If I didn’t, I’d get it elsewhere.
I”m sorry CaramelGal. I meant to insert your name in the to slot, but forgot. I posted this just above already.
I don’t know what to do with a statement like, “Get a clue guys. It’s not all about you.”
The part that seems to be forgotten here, is that the guy isn’t trying to be offensive to his mate. He is trying to spend some intimate time with her. He is trying to give her pleasure. This isn’t all about him. It’s about a committed relationship, and one where he expects her to enjoy his advances just like he will enjoy hers.
By saying no, she is the one who is saying, “It’s all about me.” He is saying, it’s all about the both of us. I love you. I want to be intimate with you because I love you. If I didn’t, I’d get it elsewhere.
Interesting question...
LMAO!!
I thinks that’s certainly something that could be extrapolated from his thoughts. I agree with where you are going there.
For a minute there I thought I had addressed a post to you by accident.
I know where you are coming from. I appreciate that you agree with my post.
Be yourself. I generally find it a good rule of thumb though, to think of what kind of a person would be most compatible with you. If you couldn’t stand living with someone like you, then it’s probably a good idea to make it so the present companion can stand you and want to stick around.
Now if that isn’t desired, you could keep on going the way you are, ride it out, then change post apocalypse. ;-)
I just don’t think it has the ring of, “Hey, wanna have a baby in nine months?” Anything to do with one’s prostate sounds unhealthy to me.
“But he loses me when he states that women should be having sex even when they aren’t in the mood.”
Yeah....he needs to look at why they aren’t in the mood... for instance sciatic pain is a definite mood killer, and migraine headaches or other painfilled conditions would make a women lose interest. If you have been up all night for several nights with sick children, you might not be in the mood to drain his prostate.
Denis Prager might want to watch an old movie called “They Shoot Horses” to get an idea of just how tired some working mothers are these days. Not being in the mood might be an indicator of real physical exhaustion or even illness from the rat race marathon. A good spouse like Denis Prager might want to get his wife to the Dr.
Dennis, stick to politics.
The attitude in this article is part of the problem, not part of the solution.
Or maybe just let his wife sleep once in a while.
Wow! And a new keyboard, please.
Or get her a cleaning service, or a child-care assistant, or something. And tell her to stop volunteering for everything!
True, but when a woman gives herself against her desire she will not be feeling "incredible love".
Post-of-the-Week nomination... and my congrats to the gentleman of the house.
Your whole statement says that you married the wrong woman the first time and the right one the second time. You are agreeing with me, not arguing with me.
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