Posted on 03/08/2007 7:04:09 AM PST by meg88
When Andrew Giuliani fired his very public shot at his father's third wife, revealing that there was a "little problem" between them, Judith Nathan wasn't the only woman who felt the impact. Hundreds of thousands of stepmothers recoiled as the 21-year-old golf fanatic took aim with the expert precision of a Masters champion.
At a time when increasing numbers of marriages in America end in divorce and "blended family" has become the politically correct term for fractured households, Giuliani Jr.'s outburst resounded nationwide.
Nathan, who took a hit for the team, has maintained a dignified silence. But her fellow easy targets are up in arms.
"This kind of attitude and behavior has to stop," says Manhattan psychotherapist Rachelle Katz, a second wife who runs a self-help Web site, Steps for Stepmother, and has written a guide, "The Smart Stepmother."
"The stepmom nearly always gets blamed.
"Ever since Cinderella and Snow White and Hansel and Gretel, she has been cast in the role of villain - the wicked witch.
"Even as adults, children are traumatized by divorce, and the easiest person to blame is the new person in their father's lives.
"It's a disturbing trend because more and more marriages break up, people re-marry and children from past relationships live under the same roof. It's very unfair."
Heather, a 56-year-old media analyst from Queens, knows all about the injustice of being a second wife.
Her stepdaughter resented her so much, she banned her from her wedding even though Heather had been with her father for 10 years.
"She threw a fit and said: 'Don't you dare show up!,' " recalls Heather. "It was very upsetting and nearly tore my husband and I apart.
"It is an incredibly complex situation. There is so much bitterness, and children can be incredibly selfish."
Thankfully, over time, Heather was able to get to know her stepdaughter, and wounds began to heal.
But many stepmothers aren't so fortunate, especially if the distance is not only emotional but geographical.
"The most common complaint is: 'They don't know me well enough to hate me as much as they do,' " observes New York author Jane Isay, whose relationships book "Walking on Eggshells" will be published on March 22.
"Stepchildren in their 20s and 30s are often more difficult than younger kids, because they see themselves as adults who are able to make these judgments, even though their loyalties are strained."
Kim, 48, despaired when her oldest stepchild, Anna, now 27, refused to speak to her.
"She lived in our home for a few months and was just horrible," says the self-employed businesswoman. "We would go to church, and when I sat next to her, she would literally turn her back on me."
Anna wouldn't allow Kim to attend her graduation ceremony and seemed to gloat when her father made the three-day trip alone.
One term being bandied around therapists' offices and even courtrooms these days is "parental alienation syndrome," or PAS.
"This happens when the biological mother or father does everything they can to turn their child against the new husband or wife," explains Anna. "Judges are looking into it a lot more during custody cases."
Both Isay and Katz have encountered mothers who have "groomed" their children, encouraging them to dislike the new family member.
Others take advantage of torn loyalties and act insulted if the children spend time with their father and the "other" woman.
"Many children see it as a betrayal if they get along with their stepmother," says Katz. "I don't like the term 'blended families,' because it sets up an expectation which is rarely fulfilled."
By the same token, stepmoms who believe their domestic situation will be more Brady Bunch than the Borgias are seriously deluded.
"The worst thing a stepmother can do is to try and act like the mother," says Isay. "Young adults don't need two mothers.
"I met a woman in her 20s who visited her father and stepmother in New York and had a wonderful time - until the wife referred to her as 'her daughter.' "
There are no quick-fix solutions,and, frustratingly for the stepmother, the best fence-mender is time.
"Meanwhile, you have to make sure that you don't sacrifice your own happiness," says Katz. "You need to set clear boundaries."
As for the father who feels like monkey in the middle, his only option is to side with his wife.
"When my husband went to his daughter's wedding without me, I was shattered," confesses Heather. "I told him he may as well stay with his old family and not come back."
The relationship survived after he said he would never leave her out of family gatherings again, but it was a close call.
"The guy will be pulled in different directions," says Isay. "But you need him fighting in your corner."
At least Rudy Giuliani has taken his rightful place next to Judith.
"My wife is a loving and caring mother and stepmother," he announced. "She's done everything she can."
Andrew may want her to turn back the clock and never to have met his father. But even the wickedest stepmother can't pull off a trick like that.
Originally published on March 8, 2007
It takes both the harlot and the harlotmonger for that particular equation. I once read that when a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy for future employment.
I limited my comments to the woman since that's what this thread is about. A man would be pretty stupid to marry a woman he cheats with. Anyone who will cheat with you will cheat on you.
"my kids flat out told me they would NEVER accept a step-parent, whether one of us died or divorced. i believe them and i can't blame them."
Those are some really selfish kids, if they are adults and talk like this. Guess they prefer a widowed parent spend the rest of his/her life lonely than risk losing a dime of their "deserved" inheritance.
Anybody that selfish would probably not want to be burdened with taking care of that lonely parent when this parent becomes older and dependent. After all, wouldn't want them to have to "accept" something that makes them uncomfortable or puts them out in any way.
Sad.
Oh the poor harlot. She knew she was splitting up this kid's family.
If I remember correctly, this quote was followed by something like, "The responsibility lies with me."
Do you think he's lying, or do you really believe the responsibility for "splitting up this kid's family" rests with "the harlot"?
Nothing at all to do with Donna "Vagina Monologues" Hanover, of course. Nope. She was the perfect wife.
my kids are 12, 15, and 18 and are conscious of the fact that they are in a loving, supportive traditional family when so many of their friends are products of divorced, dysfunctional and blended families. i think their feelings are directly related to seeing how much better off they are, as far as a family situation, than those of their peers. but feel free to rage on about selfish children. mine are stable, well balanced and loving.
Oh, I had one of those!
Another post by the "Fifteen Percent"
Do you think he's lying, or do you really believe the responsibility for "splitting up this kid's family" rests with "the harlot"?
Well, if Rudy was only cheating by himself, I doubt his son would have a problem.
Don't let the pesky facts get in the way of this full throttled feeding frenzy.
Maybe the word "homewrecker" has fallen by the wayside as more people realize that a healthy home is nearly impossible to "wreck". While it may seem fashionable to blame the "homewrecker", these situations are typically far more complex than the word implies.
Where are we, Saudi Arabia?
In North Carolina, they can sue; one woman did and won a million dollars; it costs half that to get that verdict though.
The next cases that were filed all LOST; there are always two sides to a divorce.
There is enough blame to go around on all sides. Wife #2 probably had some culpability, Rudy was open to adultery, and wife #3 didn't have any moral stance against screwing a married man.
Maybe the word "homewrecker" has fallen by the wayside as more people realize that a healthy home is nearly impossible to "wreck". While it may seem fashionable to blame the "homewrecker", these situations are typically far more complex than the word implies.
The problem is that marriages that are struggling but would eventually turn out just fine, don't get the chance. It's these cases that fall victim to homewreckers. It's in society's best interest to make homewreckers feel the heat.
Hanover was an actress, but from at least this news account, she did not do the "Vagina Monologues".
http://archives.cnn.com/2000/ALLPOLITICS/stories/05/10/giuliani.marriage/index.html
"Hanover, an actress, has appeared in films including "The People vs. Larry Flynt" and on TV soap operas such as "One Life to Live" and "All My Children." She also is the host of a program on the Food Network, and has done stints as a guest on the television programs "Ally McBeal," "Law and Order" and "The Practice."
Recently Hanover had signed on to be one of three actresses in the saucy play, "The Vagina Monologues." But after Giuliani announced he had cancer, Hanover dropped out, citing "personal family circumstances."
Sounds like ultra judgementalism. My former wife decided she wanted to kill the children and my pastor and I said no. She would not turn from her path nor her unbelief and left me for another man and mental hospitals. An ER nurse became step-mom and rescued my two young girls from the abuse being inflicted on them by their mother (who would do so at any chance).
Be careful when you throw stones in glass houses.
ping
An ER nurse became step-mom and rescued my two young girls from the abuse being inflicted on them by their mother (who would do so at any chance).
I didn't refer to all stepmothers as harlots, only the ones who committed adultery with dad.
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