Posted on 03/08/2007 7:04:09 AM PST by meg88
When Andrew Giuliani fired his very public shot at his father's third wife, revealing that there was a "little problem" between them, Judith Nathan wasn't the only woman who felt the impact. Hundreds of thousands of stepmothers recoiled as the 21-year-old golf fanatic took aim with the expert precision of a Masters champion.
At a time when increasing numbers of marriages in America end in divorce and "blended family" has become the politically correct term for fractured households, Giuliani Jr.'s outburst resounded nationwide.
Nathan, who took a hit for the team, has maintained a dignified silence. But her fellow easy targets are up in arms.
"This kind of attitude and behavior has to stop," says Manhattan psychotherapist Rachelle Katz, a second wife who runs a self-help Web site, Steps for Stepmother, and has written a guide, "The Smart Stepmother."
"The stepmom nearly always gets blamed.
"Ever since Cinderella and Snow White and Hansel and Gretel, she has been cast in the role of villain - the wicked witch.
"Even as adults, children are traumatized by divorce, and the easiest person to blame is the new person in their father's lives.
"It's a disturbing trend because more and more marriages break up, people re-marry and children from past relationships live under the same roof. It's very unfair."
Heather, a 56-year-old media analyst from Queens, knows all about the injustice of being a second wife.
Her stepdaughter resented her so much, she banned her from her wedding even though Heather had been with her father for 10 years.
"She threw a fit and said: 'Don't you dare show up!,' " recalls Heather. "It was very upsetting and nearly tore my husband and I apart.
"It is an incredibly complex situation. There is so much bitterness, and children can be incredibly selfish."
Thankfully, over time, Heather was able to get to know her stepdaughter, and wounds began to heal.
But many stepmothers aren't so fortunate, especially if the distance is not only emotional but geographical.
"The most common complaint is: 'They don't know me well enough to hate me as much as they do,' " observes New York author Jane Isay, whose relationships book "Walking on Eggshells" will be published on March 22.
"Stepchildren in their 20s and 30s are often more difficult than younger kids, because they see themselves as adults who are able to make these judgments, even though their loyalties are strained."
Kim, 48, despaired when her oldest stepchild, Anna, now 27, refused to speak to her.
"She lived in our home for a few months and was just horrible," says the self-employed businesswoman. "We would go to church, and when I sat next to her, she would literally turn her back on me."
Anna wouldn't allow Kim to attend her graduation ceremony and seemed to gloat when her father made the three-day trip alone.
One term being bandied around therapists' offices and even courtrooms these days is "parental alienation syndrome," or PAS.
"This happens when the biological mother or father does everything they can to turn their child against the new husband or wife," explains Anna. "Judges are looking into it a lot more during custody cases."
Both Isay and Katz have encountered mothers who have "groomed" their children, encouraging them to dislike the new family member.
Others take advantage of torn loyalties and act insulted if the children spend time with their father and the "other" woman.
"Many children see it as a betrayal if they get along with their stepmother," says Katz. "I don't like the term 'blended families,' because it sets up an expectation which is rarely fulfilled."
By the same token, stepmoms who believe their domestic situation will be more Brady Bunch than the Borgias are seriously deluded.
"The worst thing a stepmother can do is to try and act like the mother," says Isay. "Young adults don't need two mothers.
"I met a woman in her 20s who visited her father and stepmother in New York and had a wonderful time - until the wife referred to her as 'her daughter.' "
There are no quick-fix solutions,and, frustratingly for the stepmother, the best fence-mender is time.
"Meanwhile, you have to make sure that you don't sacrifice your own happiness," says Katz. "You need to set clear boundaries."
As for the father who feels like monkey in the middle, his only option is to side with his wife.
"When my husband went to his daughter's wedding without me, I was shattered," confesses Heather. "I told him he may as well stay with his old family and not come back."
The relationship survived after he said he would never leave her out of family gatherings again, but it was a close call.
"The guy will be pulled in different directions," says Isay. "But you need him fighting in your corner."
At least Rudy Giuliani has taken his rightful place next to Judith.
"My wife is a loving and caring mother and stepmother," he announced. "She's done everything she can."
Andrew may want her to turn back the clock and never to have met his father. But even the wickedest stepmother can't pull off a trick like that.
Originally published on March 8, 2007
i totally agree. how many people do you see ragging on ex-spouses on FR, and how many are willing to take responsibility for having CHOSEN to marry them? there's no way that there are that many jekel/hyde transformations going on. abuse situations, clearly, are different. but screwing around, heck, you should be certain of someone's character before you marry them, it's only common sense.
But is does give me pause in terms of what it means when he swears an oath of office ... marriage vows are also oaths....
But the article was not about Rudy and Judi. It was about a lot of different stepmothers. The remarks tht have been made on this thread were not just about Giuliani's marriages.
What would you say to an adult who is upset that his father remarries years after the death or divorce of his spouse? I have seen grown children who are resentful even when Dad was widowed and is terribly lonely, or when Dad was the innocent party in the divorce. In many cases I think money is a large part of the resentment: "How dare that usurper reduce the size of my inheritance?"
Glad you made the right choice! BTW, love your tag line.
your stepmom sounds great and i think what was key is what i highlighted above. she obviously put your half-brother first and herself second. she gave him a stable and loving, albeit single family home. she postponed her own fulfillment til her job was done. that speaks volumes of her and you have every right to be proud. kids NEED to be the center of your universe til they are grown. problems develop when they are playing second fiddle to the parents needs/wants.
Donna Hanover was a woman scorned ... but oh boy, she raked Rudy over the coals and humiliated him publicly in every way she could. Most folks don't remember the NYC Mayor's wife, before their separation, taking a role in "The Vagina Monologues" so she could strip and spread 'em publicly on stage .... apparently this was calculated to embarrass Rudy and was an example of why perhaps, when he was diagnosed with cancer, he chose to announce his separation from her while he was at a safe distance away from her.
The "messy divorce" was very much orchestrated and attenuated by Ms. Hanover, as she camped out in Gracey Mansion for 18 months and continued to humiliate her husband in her finest role as scorned wife- and to what effect on the Guiliani children?
In the end Donna walked away with the role of victim, $7 million tax free, an apartment overlooking Central Park, plus $22K a month child support plus est $30K a month in alimony- including $1100 per month to support her dog.
Ms Hanover herself is now on her 3rd marriage and is also a step mother.
There are always at least two sides to every marital breakup. Not that we'll hear or even need to know.
No question, no sympathy for home wreckers here.
However, I am just amazed at the selfishness of some children, even after they have chronologically grown up. Sometimes it is all about *them* and no thought given to the happiness (or loneliness) of their parent.
My son who is 9 has a SM who tries to play mommy to him. He can't stand it and makes his opinions known quite often. This is a normal reaction for a child who simply wants one mom and one dad in his home.
I always tell my friends who consider marrying a man with children to think twice cause the kids and the ex wife will always be there and the stress isn't worth it.
"my kids flat out told me they would NEVER accept a step-parent, whether one of us died or divorced. i believe them and i can't blame them."
Sounds like your kids are already a problem. If you did find another truly loving spouse, then your kids are going to deny you any happiness? Sounds like a bunch of spolied brats. You've raised them well.
You hit it on the head at soooo man levels..
What would you say to an adult who is upset that his father remarries years after the death or divorce of his spouse? I have seen grown children who are resentful even when Dad was widowed and is terribly lonely, or when Dad was the innocent party in the divorce. In many cases I think money is a large part of the resentment: "How dare that usurper reduce the size of my inheritance?"
That is a different situation. If the other parent is dead a child would have to be very selfish to oppose a remarriage. In a divorce sometimes the children are hoping that their parents will get back together and the new spouse is interfering.
I agree with that. Not all marriages end because of a cheating spouse. However, the subject was Rudy Giuliani and his son. There is a known fact that Giuliani cheated, even flaunting the mistress in public while his wife sat in the Governor's Mansion.
We are constantly accused of "trashing" Rudy Giuliani, when all we are reporting is that he led the trashy lifestyle and invited the criticism. We tell the truth, and are accused of "trashing". What's wrong with this picture? Anyone want to hold a potential President to a higher standard of moral conduct? I thought when Bill Clinton was President that we got our fill of this.
i am 50 years old and married to my first and only husband for 22 years. we both love our PROBLEM children and they ARE my happiness. i love my husband very much and don't want anything to happen to him, but i have never been the type of woman to NEED a man to be fulfilled.
and thanks, those that know them and know us, agree with you : )
He's proven not to be a man of honor. I don't think I could ever vote for a dad who jus plain blows off his son's high school graduation.
Congratulations!
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.