Posted on 03/08/2007 7:04:09 AM PST by meg88
When Andrew Giuliani fired his very public shot at his father's third wife, revealing that there was a "little problem" between them, Judith Nathan wasn't the only woman who felt the impact. Hundreds of thousands of stepmothers recoiled as the 21-year-old golf fanatic took aim with the expert precision of a Masters champion.
At a time when increasing numbers of marriages in America end in divorce and "blended family" has become the politically correct term for fractured households, Giuliani Jr.'s outburst resounded nationwide.
Nathan, who took a hit for the team, has maintained a dignified silence. But her fellow easy targets are up in arms.
"This kind of attitude and behavior has to stop," says Manhattan psychotherapist Rachelle Katz, a second wife who runs a self-help Web site, Steps for Stepmother, and has written a guide, "The Smart Stepmother."
"The stepmom nearly always gets blamed.
"Ever since Cinderella and Snow White and Hansel and Gretel, she has been cast in the role of villain - the wicked witch.
"Even as adults, children are traumatized by divorce, and the easiest person to blame is the new person in their father's lives.
"It's a disturbing trend because more and more marriages break up, people re-marry and children from past relationships live under the same roof. It's very unfair."
Heather, a 56-year-old media analyst from Queens, knows all about the injustice of being a second wife.
Her stepdaughter resented her so much, she banned her from her wedding even though Heather had been with her father for 10 years.
"She threw a fit and said: 'Don't you dare show up!,' " recalls Heather. "It was very upsetting and nearly tore my husband and I apart.
"It is an incredibly complex situation. There is so much bitterness, and children can be incredibly selfish."
Thankfully, over time, Heather was able to get to know her stepdaughter, and wounds began to heal.
But many stepmothers aren't so fortunate, especially if the distance is not only emotional but geographical.
"The most common complaint is: 'They don't know me well enough to hate me as much as they do,' " observes New York author Jane Isay, whose relationships book "Walking on Eggshells" will be published on March 22.
"Stepchildren in their 20s and 30s are often more difficult than younger kids, because they see themselves as adults who are able to make these judgments, even though their loyalties are strained."
Kim, 48, despaired when her oldest stepchild, Anna, now 27, refused to speak to her.
"She lived in our home for a few months and was just horrible," says the self-employed businesswoman. "We would go to church, and when I sat next to her, she would literally turn her back on me."
Anna wouldn't allow Kim to attend her graduation ceremony and seemed to gloat when her father made the three-day trip alone.
One term being bandied around therapists' offices and even courtrooms these days is "parental alienation syndrome," or PAS.
"This happens when the biological mother or father does everything they can to turn their child against the new husband or wife," explains Anna. "Judges are looking into it a lot more during custody cases."
Both Isay and Katz have encountered mothers who have "groomed" their children, encouraging them to dislike the new family member.
Others take advantage of torn loyalties and act insulted if the children spend time with their father and the "other" woman.
"Many children see it as a betrayal if they get along with their stepmother," says Katz. "I don't like the term 'blended families,' because it sets up an expectation which is rarely fulfilled."
By the same token, stepmoms who believe their domestic situation will be more Brady Bunch than the Borgias are seriously deluded.
"The worst thing a stepmother can do is to try and act like the mother," says Isay. "Young adults don't need two mothers.
"I met a woman in her 20s who visited her father and stepmother in New York and had a wonderful time - until the wife referred to her as 'her daughter.' "
There are no quick-fix solutions,and, frustratingly for the stepmother, the best fence-mender is time.
"Meanwhile, you have to make sure that you don't sacrifice your own happiness," says Katz. "You need to set clear boundaries."
As for the father who feels like monkey in the middle, his only option is to side with his wife.
"When my husband went to his daughter's wedding without me, I was shattered," confesses Heather. "I told him he may as well stay with his old family and not come back."
The relationship survived after he said he would never leave her out of family gatherings again, but it was a close call.
"The guy will be pulled in different directions," says Isay. "But you need him fighting in your corner."
At least Rudy Giuliani has taken his rightful place next to Judith.
"My wife is a loving and caring mother and stepmother," he announced. "She's done everything she can."
Andrew may want her to turn back the clock and never to have met his father. But even the wickedest stepmother can't pull off a trick like that.
Originally published on March 8, 2007
From what I remember reading Guiliani's ex was a fruitcake. So, he is supposed to stay with her for the grown children?
I bet Andrew sure isn't offering to not take Dad's money for college, and getting a job to pay for his own education.
I'm a woman and I am not a stepmother, but I find it interesting that everybody assumes the husband and stepmom are in the wrong in these cases.
That's because the story references the Giuliani situation.
You know, one detail that escapes many Freepers is that Mom may have been a dreadful spouse and deserved getting tossed out.
You know, one detail that escapes many Freepers is that Mom may have been a dreadful spouse and deserved getting tossed out.
Even in extreme cases, the honorable man will end the marriage before moving on to the next woman.
Obviously, a therapist that doesn't get it. I wouldn't advise anyone to go see this hack.
Hardly the case and quite an overgeneralization for this experience...
I am a step-mom dealing with many of the same issues with the blended family thing and while I am younger that the first one (and 100 pounds thinner) she innitiated the divorce, used the legal court and the court of public opinion to rake my husband over the coals and encourages bad behavior in her children....and yet sympathy seems to automatically go to her because she is the first wife...
Step-moms and step-dads deserve a hard time if they were involved in breaking up the child's family.
well for one thing, the thread is about rudy and that IS the case here, it is documented that he was cheating on the children's mother with judith nathan. like it or not, she will be tarred with that brush.
Maybe, but maybe not. Life is a lot more complicated than that and chapters often don't exactly begin right after the prior chapter ends. I agree with you in theory, but I disagree with you in practice.
Does his son hate his cant keep her pants on mother too?
What about Rudy's wife who was very busy herself so to speak.
Both couldn't keep their pants on.
well for one thing, the thread is about rudy and that IS the case here, it is documented that he was cheating on the children's mother with judith nathan. like it or not, she will be tarred with that brush.
As it should be.
Don't be a homewrecker and you'll never face heat from the home.
This article is pretty outrageous, IMO.
My parents divorced when I was 5 and remarried when I was 8 and 10. Neither stepparent was the reason for the divorce.
The 4 decided to be a team in raising my brother and myself. It helped neither was the cause of the divorce and were very smart nice people.
My Dad brought tears to everyone's eyes at my rehearsal dinner when he paid tribute to my stepdad in his toast.
i agree. i'm sorry, but if someone willingly gets involved with a divorced individual, either by causing the divorce, or just eventually marrying someone who has children, they need to realize that they ARE going to be the stepparent and that there will be all sorts of issues they will have to deal with. You assume the risk if that is the path you choose.
Could it be that children prefer a secure family made up of their biological mother and father?
In that sense it's true. Perhaps I should have said "dysfunctional". My apologies.
When stepchildren come to the realization that part of their inheritances will go to stepmothers they consider to be interlopers, home wreckers and outsiders, many nurse bitter grievances and some go ballistic as in the Guiliani case. Their father's happiness with a woman he loves is of no consequence.
Guiliani appears to have at last found a real happiness and a soulmate in Judith Nathan. Rudy has not always been the perfect human in his marriages, but no one is expected to wear a hair shirt for the rest of his life to please bitter adult offspring, particularly if he's cleaned up his act and found a good woman he wants to be with always.
I'm not a Rudy supporter, but, as the Good Book states, "worse than a serpent's tongue is an ungrateful child". The grown son should have just kept his self-serving mouth shut and dealt with his angst man-to-man in a private manner instead of attacking his own dad in such a public way.
"Daddy Dearest" revelations make for good public tabloid titillation, but in the long run, public vituperation against a blood relative only compounds family problems, usually permanently.
I hope Mr. Guiliani cuts this nasty offspring (who has surely benefited over the decades from Rudy's hard work) out of the will completely.
Leni
then both share the blame and if the kids have problems with whomever she hooked up with subsequently, that is their problem, as well. personally, i find serial adultery to be a serious character flaw, but maybe that's just me.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.