Posted on 03/08/2007 7:04:09 AM PST by meg88
When Andrew Giuliani fired his very public shot at his father's third wife, revealing that there was a "little problem" between them, Judith Nathan wasn't the only woman who felt the impact. Hundreds of thousands of stepmothers recoiled as the 21-year-old golf fanatic took aim with the expert precision of a Masters champion.
At a time when increasing numbers of marriages in America end in divorce and "blended family" has become the politically correct term for fractured households, Giuliani Jr.'s outburst resounded nationwide.
Nathan, who took a hit for the team, has maintained a dignified silence. But her fellow easy targets are up in arms.
"This kind of attitude and behavior has to stop," says Manhattan psychotherapist Rachelle Katz, a second wife who runs a self-help Web site, Steps for Stepmother, and has written a guide, "The Smart Stepmother."
"The stepmom nearly always gets blamed.
"Ever since Cinderella and Snow White and Hansel and Gretel, she has been cast in the role of villain - the wicked witch.
"Even as adults, children are traumatized by divorce, and the easiest person to blame is the new person in their father's lives.
"It's a disturbing trend because more and more marriages break up, people re-marry and children from past relationships live under the same roof. It's very unfair."
Heather, a 56-year-old media analyst from Queens, knows all about the injustice of being a second wife.
Her stepdaughter resented her so much, she banned her from her wedding even though Heather had been with her father for 10 years.
"She threw a fit and said: 'Don't you dare show up!,' " recalls Heather. "It was very upsetting and nearly tore my husband and I apart.
"It is an incredibly complex situation. There is so much bitterness, and children can be incredibly selfish."
Thankfully, over time, Heather was able to get to know her stepdaughter, and wounds began to heal.
But many stepmothers aren't so fortunate, especially if the distance is not only emotional but geographical.
"The most common complaint is: 'They don't know me well enough to hate me as much as they do,' " observes New York author Jane Isay, whose relationships book "Walking on Eggshells" will be published on March 22.
"Stepchildren in their 20s and 30s are often more difficult than younger kids, because they see themselves as adults who are able to make these judgments, even though their loyalties are strained."
Kim, 48, despaired when her oldest stepchild, Anna, now 27, refused to speak to her.
"She lived in our home for a few months and was just horrible," says the self-employed businesswoman. "We would go to church, and when I sat next to her, she would literally turn her back on me."
Anna wouldn't allow Kim to attend her graduation ceremony and seemed to gloat when her father made the three-day trip alone.
One term being bandied around therapists' offices and even courtrooms these days is "parental alienation syndrome," or PAS.
"This happens when the biological mother or father does everything they can to turn their child against the new husband or wife," explains Anna. "Judges are looking into it a lot more during custody cases."
Both Isay and Katz have encountered mothers who have "groomed" their children, encouraging them to dislike the new family member.
Others take advantage of torn loyalties and act insulted if the children spend time with their father and the "other" woman.
"Many children see it as a betrayal if they get along with their stepmother," says Katz. "I don't like the term 'blended families,' because it sets up an expectation which is rarely fulfilled."
By the same token, stepmoms who believe their domestic situation will be more Brady Bunch than the Borgias are seriously deluded.
"The worst thing a stepmother can do is to try and act like the mother," says Isay. "Young adults don't need two mothers.
"I met a woman in her 20s who visited her father and stepmother in New York and had a wonderful time - until the wife referred to her as 'her daughter.' "
There are no quick-fix solutions,and, frustratingly for the stepmother, the best fence-mender is time.
"Meanwhile, you have to make sure that you don't sacrifice your own happiness," says Katz. "You need to set clear boundaries."
As for the father who feels like monkey in the middle, his only option is to side with his wife.
"When my husband went to his daughter's wedding without me, I was shattered," confesses Heather. "I told him he may as well stay with his old family and not come back."
The relationship survived after he said he would never leave her out of family gatherings again, but it was a close call.
"The guy will be pulled in different directions," says Isay. "But you need him fighting in your corner."
At least Rudy Giuliani has taken his rightful place next to Judith.
"My wife is a loving and caring mother and stepmother," he announced. "She's done everything she can."
Andrew may want her to turn back the clock and never to have met his father. But even the wickedest stepmother can't pull off a trick like that.
Originally published on March 8, 2007
Safe, maybe but certainly not stable.
That's what is missing from so many of these battle stories.
This is true maturity; not a lot of evidence of this from many of the comments on this thread.
post to re-establish tagline
My dad did get remarried, but after my mom was already remarried. I don't dislike my dad's wife because she 'stole' him or anything like that. I dislike her because she's a psychotic *insert word for female dog* here. Forgive me Lord, but I can't say anything nice about her.
Well, King Lear is a good book, but it isn't the Good Book. (Lear, act 1, scene 4) "How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is To have a thankless child!"
ps: King Lear was making an unjust accusation against his only loyal child for a valid criticism.
Oh, I just meant first wives in general. :-)
Well put! You said it better than I did.
As a second wife and step mother who, by the way, had nothing to do with my husband's divorce, I must ask you to not paint step moms with a broad brush.
I pretty much raised my step son as my own and love him dearly. Some of us step moms are not so bad.
You'll never see a story like this about a divorced Democrat.
Kids should shut up and deal with it? I'm glad my Marine doesn't have so little regard for our children.
My husband's step-mom is really strange, and it is really hard to do anything with her and my father-in-law. First, she is a Jehovah's Witness, and they don't celebrate holidays or birthdays. It's really awkward to have her visit us on Christmas or other holidays.
They came for Thanksgiving this year and we had a really strange visit. Afterward, my husband and I agreed that we wouldn't invite them for the holidays. My father-in-law chose to marry someone that doesn't celebrate holidays, so he made his bed. We're not going to have them for the holidays.
She is also this health nut that takes so many vitamins and supplements it is ridiculous. She had a small suitcase of these things for a 2 day visit. Plus, she got so stressed out after a few days that she was crying and she wanted to go home early. They tried to sneak out of our house early in the morning without even saying good-bye to my husband or I or our kids. I heard them, and woke up the kids to say good-bye.
One of my friends is a step-mom. She is really nice, and tries very hard to make a nice home for her step-kids. However, I'm sure it's still hard for the kids. They spend 1 weeek at the dad's and one week at their mom's. Their son is good friends with my son, and he's had to miss out of things when he is with his mom.
My husband doesn't like me to call his dad's wife his step-mother because my husband is grown and has a mother.
Tell me the dem who has come forward and said with pride that he doesn't believe in living a moral responsible life.
Really, tell me one dem who has come forward saying it's OK to be unfaithful to his wife. Name names.
"i totally agree. how many people do you see ragging on ex-spouses on FR, and how many are willing to take responsibility for having CHOSEN to marry them? there's no way that there are that many jekel/hyde transformations going on. abuse situations, clearly, are different. but screwing around, heck, you should be certain of someone's character before you marry them, it's only common sense."
Do you lend out your crystal ball that tells you exactly what somebody will be like 20 years from now?
In a certain family I know well, the mother remarried after the father had been dead for some time. The grown daughters still hate the stepdad with a passion, even though he seems like an extremely nice guy to me.
no, but waiting til you are old enough to know if you are wet or dry is step in the right direction. also, you have to really be interested in finding stuff like this out and looking for signs of it, and if you see divorce as a back door out then you aren't going to be looking as deep. you have to know that you will live with the consequences of your choice in order to really take it seriously. not everyone does that. and unfortunately, for some, it's just all about the sex and when that is good and steady coming then all is right with the world, but then they realize down the road they never gave a thought to character, and character WILL out eventually.
Yep. We literally BEGGED my mother to date once we entered our teen years, but she wouldn't. On the other hand, we hated my dad's wife, because she was the one that had been seeing dad before the divorce.
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