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Why Are Stepmoms Always the Target? Remarried Children: Women Feel Judi Nathan's Pain
The New York Daily News ^ | 3/8/07 | Jane Ridley

Posted on 03/08/2007 7:04:09 AM PST by meg88

When Andrew Giuliani fired his very public shot at his father's third wife, revealing that there was a "little problem" between them, Judith Nathan wasn't the only woman who felt the impact. Hundreds of thousands of stepmothers recoiled as the 21-year-old golf fanatic took aim with the expert precision of a Masters champion.

At a time when increasing numbers of marriages in America end in divorce and "blended family" has become the politically correct term for fractured households, Giuliani Jr.'s outburst resounded nationwide.

Nathan, who took a hit for the team, has maintained a dignified silence. But her fellow easy targets are up in arms.

"This kind of attitude and behavior has to stop," says Manhattan psychotherapist Rachelle Katz, a second wife who runs a self-help Web site, Steps for Stepmother, and has written a guide, "The Smart Stepmother."

"The stepmom nearly always gets blamed.

"Ever since Cinderella and Snow White and Hansel and Gretel, she has been cast in the role of villain - the wicked witch.

"Even as adults, children are traumatized by divorce, and the easiest person to blame is the new person in their father's lives.

"It's a disturbing trend because more and more marriages break up, people re-marry and children from past relationships live under the same roof. It's very unfair."

Heather, a 56-year-old media analyst from Queens, knows all about the injustice of being a second wife.

Her stepdaughter resented her so much, she banned her from her wedding even though Heather had been with her father for 10 years.

"She threw a fit and said: 'Don't you dare show up!,' " recalls Heather. "It was very upsetting and nearly tore my husband and I apart.

"It is an incredibly complex situation. There is so much bitterness, and children can be incredibly selfish."

Thankfully, over time, Heather was able to get to know her stepdaughter, and wounds began to heal.

But many stepmothers aren't so fortunate, especially if the distance is not only emotional but geographical.

"The most common complaint is: 'They don't know me well enough to hate me as much as they do,' " observes New York author Jane Isay, whose relationships book "Walking on Eggshells" will be published on March 22.

"Stepchildren in their 20s and 30s are often more difficult than younger kids, because they see themselves as adults who are able to make these judgments, even though their loyalties are strained."

Kim, 48, despaired when her oldest stepchild, Anna, now 27, refused to speak to her.

"She lived in our home for a few months and was just horrible," says the self-employed businesswoman. "We would go to church, and when I sat next to her, she would literally turn her back on me."

Anna wouldn't allow Kim to attend her graduation ceremony and seemed to gloat when her father made the three-day trip alone.

One term being bandied around therapists' offices and even courtrooms these days is "parental alienation syndrome," or PAS.

"This happens when the biological mother or father does everything they can to turn their child against the new husband or wife," explains Anna. "Judges are looking into it a lot more during custody cases."

Both Isay and Katz have encountered mothers who have "groomed" their children, encouraging them to dislike the new family member.

Others take advantage of torn loyalties and act insulted if the children spend time with their father and the "other" woman.

"Many children see it as a betrayal if they get along with their stepmother," says Katz. "I don't like the term 'blended families,' because it sets up an expectation which is rarely fulfilled."

By the same token, stepmoms who believe their domestic situation will be more Brady Bunch than the Borgias are seriously deluded.

"The worst thing a stepmother can do is to try and act like the mother," says Isay. "Young adults don't need two mothers.

"I met a woman in her 20s who visited her father and stepmother in New York and had a wonderful time - until the wife referred to her as 'her daughter.' "

There are no quick-fix solutions,and, frustratingly for the stepmother, the best fence-mender is time.

"Meanwhile, you have to make sure that you don't sacrifice your own happiness," says Katz. "You need to set clear boundaries."

As for the father who feels like monkey in the middle, his only option is to side with his wife.

"When my husband went to his daughter's wedding without me, I was shattered," confesses Heather. "I told him he may as well stay with his old family and not come back."

The relationship survived after he said he would never leave her out of family gatherings again, but it was a close call.

"The guy will be pulled in different directions," says Isay. "But you need him fighting in your corner."

At least Rudy Giuliani has taken his rightful place next to Judith.

"My wife is a loving and caring mother and stepmother," he announced. "She's done everything she can."

Andrew may want her to turn back the clock and never to have met his father. But even the wickedest stepmother can't pull off a trick like that.

Originally published on March 8, 2007


TOPICS: Editorial; News/Current Events; Politics/Elections; US: New York
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To: sr4402
Sounds like ultra judgementalism. My former wife decided she wanted to kill the children and my pastor and I said no. She would not turn from her path nor her unbelief and left me for another man and mental hospitals. An ER nurse became step-mom and rescued my two young girls from the abuse being inflicted on them by their mother (who would do so at any chance).

Were you with your second wife while still married to the first? That is what we are talking about here. Adultery is wrong, if you are that unhappy, just get divorced. If Giuliani had divorced prior to meeting Ms. Nathan, I don't think that the same hostility would be there.

101 posted on 03/08/2007 8:53:35 AM PST by LWalk18
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To: Nea Wood

In Rudy's case, that's the first two wives, although the kids are Hanover's.


102 posted on 03/08/2007 8:54:43 AM PST by PzLdr ("The Emperor is not as forgiving as I am" - Darth Vader)
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To: meg88
As for the father who feels like monkey in the middle, his only option is to side with his wife.

Husdands take heed. Children are around for 20+ years. Your wife should be with you for life. Kids aren't above everything in consideration of their feelings.

103 posted on 03/08/2007 8:56:53 AM PST by Centurion2000 (If you're not being shot at, it's not a high stress job.)
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To: meg88

Oh please...

In NYState the rule of law is "moms can do no wrong and dads can do no right or pay enough child support"

NY State Judge John O'Donnell will even ignore the courts own doctors medical evaluation and give children to a diagnosed psychopath mother who neglected them to the point of hospitalization DURING THE TRIAL, despite about two dozen witnesses against the mother and none against the father AND a previous history of abuse and neglect (on the mothers part) where her other children were taken away from her by child "protective" services.


104 posted on 03/08/2007 8:57:04 AM PST by Mr. K (Some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help)
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To: ladyjane

My husband is still mad at his parents for getting divorced. They screwed up his life, and basically ignored their kids. Their daughter got pregnant at 15, and they let her get married. Their other son ran away from home, never finished high school, and is basically a bum.

My husband didn't screw up himself. He put himself through college and has done well for himself, but he doesn't have happy childhood memories like I have. His family can never all get together like mine.

It's a sucky situation that could have been avoided.


105 posted on 03/08/2007 8:57:34 AM PST by luckystarmom
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To: xsmommy

I am not raging, just stating the fact I think that it is very selfish for an adult child to say that, particularly over a widowed parent.

I have stepgrandkids (I'm the only grandma they ever knew, their REAL one committed suicide long before they were born),and they were 4, eight, and 14 when their father died with leukemia.

I am taking care of their sick Grandpa now. When their Dad died the oldest asked me "Grandma, if something ever happened to Grandpa would you still be our grandma? Where would you live? You'll have to come and live with us so we could take care of you." I have no birth children, but have been married to their grandpa for 20 years, and adore my grandchildren.

There's always two sides to every story.

It is a good thing your children have both parents and a stable home. I wish all families could be like that. But often that is not the way it is.

I think Jesus taught a few things about being judgemental. Remember Mary Magdeline?





106 posted on 03/08/2007 8:58:47 AM PST by girlangler (Fish Fear Me)
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To: Centurion2000
Your wife should be with you for life

Funny comment when we're discussing wife #3 already. Odds are the kids will be around longer than #3.

107 posted on 03/08/2007 9:00:06 AM PST by WhyisaTexasgirlinPA (Texas Tech wins by largest comeback in college bowl history - Insight Bowl 2006...Guns Up!)
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To: spikeytx86

If you read about it, step-parents from households where there is a death usually do better. In fact, children from households where a parent has died usually aren't as screwed up as kids from divorced parents.

Dying isn't a choice, and I think kids can accept that better.


108 posted on 03/08/2007 9:00:19 AM PST by luckystarmom
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To: Fairview

It's certainly not the kids that are wrong.

Dr. Laura thinks that people shouldn't get remarried after a divorce if there are kids. She thinks no matter what the kid will get screwed up even worse than the original divorce.

My husband's parents are divorced and I tend to agree with her.


109 posted on 03/08/2007 9:01:59 AM PST by luckystarmom
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To: HitmanLV

Except Rudy has now done this twice. His first wife was a second cousin. He tried to get that one annulled on the grounds he didn't know that fact. He may or may not have been seeing the soon to be wife number two at the time [don't remember]. When the annulment didn't fly, he divorced her.

During marriage number two, there were persistent rumors that Rudy was getting it on with a woman on his staff. She eventually left Gracie Mansion. Rudy then announce he would be seeking a divorce at a press conference, I don't believe he'd mentioned it to the wife. He was, apparently, seeing soon to be wife number three while still married to wife number two.

Hanover, who was a newscaster, largely gave up her career after Rudy became Mayor [she did some acting, "Law and Order", etc.]. She worked on his campaigns. She raised the kids. Could she have been a flake? Sure. But Rudy's got a pattern here. And he's admitted estrangement from his son [who was at Yankee Stadium with him almost every game]. So it probably wasn't Mom's fault.


110 posted on 03/08/2007 9:03:01 AM PST by PzLdr ("The Emperor is not as forgiving as I am" - Darth Vader)
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To: girlangler

the lack of judgmentalism has led to a values-free society where no one is right and no one is wrong and we are seeing the fruits of that every day. there are going to be divorces that are warranted, but far too many result from selfish parents who are more interested in their own fulfillment than in their children's welfare. your situation is very different. my kids see their friends dealing with divorced parents dating and dragging a parade of different partners through their lives and are horrified by it. that is THEIR perspective.


111 posted on 03/08/2007 9:03:39 AM PST by xsmommy
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To: PzLdr
I lived in nyc during Rudy's entire tenure as mayor so I remember the incidents.

In regards to his first marriage, I didn't think adultery was an issue in it, but I could be wrong. If anyone has the final word on that, I'm all ears.

As for Donna Hanover, everything you say is true, but none of it means she wasn't a dreadful spouse. I don't ever blame people for leaving bad spouses - it's a perfectly reasonable thing to do.
112 posted on 03/08/2007 9:06:32 AM PST by HitmanLV ("If at first you don't succeed, keep on sucking until you do suck seed." - Jerry 'Curly' Howard)
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To: WhyisaTexasgirlinPA
Funny comment when we're discussing wife #3 already. Odds are the kids will be around longer than #3.

You have a point when you get to wife#3. At the same time, kids are kids ... they can shut up and deal with it.

113 posted on 03/08/2007 9:15:33 AM PST by Centurion2000 (If you're not being shot at, it's not a high stress job.)
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To: luckystarmom
I can agree with that. I am from a divorced family, though flaws and all I obviously prefer my parents to be alive, I can see how it is easier to accept your parents passed do to disease or something like that as a posed to your parent being a adulterer or wife beater etc. etc.
In my case, My step mother really was a rhymes with witch. She would constantly bad mouth my mother and sister, was constantly rude and verbally abusive to me. She was the spitting image of what not to be as a step parent.
114 posted on 03/08/2007 9:18:46 AM PST by spikeytx86 (Pray for Democrats for they have been brainwashed by their fruity little club.)
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To: qam1; ItsOurTimeNow; PresbyRev; Fraulein; StoneColdGOP; Clemenza; m18436572; InShanghai; xrp; ...
"Stepchildren in their 20s and 30s are often more difficult than younger kids, because they see themselves as adults who are able to make these judgments............

Xer Ping

Ping list for the discussion of the politics and social (and sometimes nostalgic) aspects that directly effects Generation Reagan / Generation-X (Those born from 1965-1981) including all the spending previous generations are doing that Gen-X and Y will end up paying for.

Freep mail me to be added or dropped. See my home page for details and previous articles.

115 posted on 03/08/2007 9:18:54 AM PST by qam1 (There's been a huge party. All plates and the bottles are empty, all that's left is the bill to pay)
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To: Centurion2000

At the same time, kids are kids ... they can shut up and deal with it.


The parents are supposed to be the mature ones capable of dealing with it. Rudy has an obligation to provide a safe and stable home for his children to grow up in. You can't blame the kids for having problems when the parents act like spoiled brats.


116 posted on 03/08/2007 9:19:30 AM PST by freedomfiter2 (Duncan Hunter: pro-life, pro-2nd Amendment, pro-border control, pro-family)
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To: freedomfiter2

exactly. with attitudes like that, is it any wonder that the kids grow up to discipline problems, or worse.


117 posted on 03/08/2007 9:21:20 AM PST by xsmommy
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To: CJ Wolf
But you are right it is a broken home, I've tried to do the best to superglue us back together but you can still see the cracks.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I will offer a little unsolicited advice as a child growing up in such a household. Never let your kids question if you love them, tell them everyday even when they are not at all lovable.
It will give them strength.
118 posted on 03/08/2007 9:23:21 AM PST by msnimje (People are crossing party lines to support Giuliani - even some Republicans support him.)
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To: meg88
"When my husband went to his daughter's wedding without me, I was shattered," confesses Heather. "I told him he may as well stay with his old family and not come back."

The Children were there before you were.

They are in this world because of him.

Be a class act, don't throw a pity party, and encourage your husband to go.

Be the Adult.

119 posted on 03/08/2007 9:28:05 AM PST by happygrl
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To: freedomfiter2
Rudy has an obligation to provide a safe and stable home for his children to grow up in.

Were his kids ever in danger? nope.

Were his kids ever denied the necessities for growing up? Nope.

I'd call that pretty safe and stable.

Kids do not get veto or voting rights on adults' sex lives.

120 posted on 03/08/2007 9:28:49 AM PST by Centurion2000 (If you're not being shot at, it's not a high stress job.)
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