Posted on 09/20/2006 1:17:16 PM PDT by groanup
HOW MANY SEC STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
At VANDERBILT: it takes two, one to change the bulb and one more to explain how they did it every bit as good as the bulbs changed at Harvard.
At GEORGIA : it takes two, one to change the bulb and one to phone an engineer at Georgia Tech for instructions.
At FLORIDA : it takes four, one to screw in the bulb and three to figure out how to get stoned off the old one.
At ALABAMA : it takes five, one to change it, two to reminisce about how The Bear would have done it, and one to throw the old bulb at an NCAA investigator and one to throw the other old bulb at Fulmer.
At OLE MISS: it takes six, one to change it, two to mix the drinks and three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.
At LSU: it takes seven, and each one gets credit for five semester hours.
At KENTUCKY : it takes eight, one to screw it in and seven to discuss how much brighter it seems to shine during basketball season.
At TENNESSEE : it takes ten, two to figure out how to screw it in, two to buy an orange lampshade, and six to phone a radio call-in show and talk about how much they hate Alabama .
At MISSISSIPPI STATE : it takes fifteen, one to screw in the bulb, two to buy the Skoal, and twelve to yell, "GO TO HELL, OLE MISS".
At AUBURN : it takes one hundred, one to change it, forty-nine to talk about how they did it better than at Bama, and fifty to get drunk and roll Toomer's Corner when finished.
At SOUTH CAROLINA : it takes 80,000, one to screw it in and 79,999 to discuss how this finally will be the year that they have a decent football team.
At ARKANSAS : None. There is no electricity in Arkansas.
PLANNING FOR THE FALL FOOTBALL SEASON
Planning for the fall football season in the South is radically different than up North. For those who are planning a football trip to the South, here are some helpful hints.
Women's Accessories
NORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's what dates are for.
Stadium Size
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
Fathers
NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
Campus Decor
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
Homecoming Queen
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.
Heroes
NORTH: Rudy Giuliani
SOUTH: Bear Bryant, Archie, Eli and Peyton Manning, Bo Jackson
Getting Tickets
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campusand purchase tickets.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and put name on waiting list for tickets.
Monday Classes After a Saturday Game
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have to prepare for classes on Monday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Monday classes because they don't want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class.
Parking
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.
Game Day
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never broadcast from their campus.
Tailgating
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews' Band," who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.
Getting to the Stadium
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the state's third largest city.
Concessions
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.
When National Anthem is Played
NORTH! : Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.
The Smell in the Air After the First Score
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.
Commentary (Male)
NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs.."
Commentary (Female)
NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch tackle him and break his legs."
Announcers
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.
After the Game
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning begins for next week's game.
Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the glories of Southern football!
LMAO!!! I'm a Southerner nd fit most of those descriptions. So does my wife/mother/sister etc...;-)
"Knoxville is bigger than Blacksburg. The Virginia Tech stadium seats 65,000 and the town only seats 40,000."
Michigan International Speedway seats 139,000+ fans, plus all of the support people (beer vendors mostly). Brooklyn, Michigan (where MIS is located) has maybe 2,500 people living there.
Someday, when the Big House gets really big, and U of M traffic jams take 2-3 days to clear after the game, they'll have MIS.....
Yeah..... Apologize.... LOL... [/sarcasm]
"Ahem, anybody residing north of I-10 is a Yankee, as far as I'm concerned. ;^)"
And anything south of Dayton / Indianapolis is Kentucky, and anything west of Dayton is West Virginia......
You could apologize.
Bourbon at an SEC game is a requirement. We cleverly used our dates undergartments to sneak it in the student section.
BTW, War Eagle!
"So does my wife/mother/sister etc...;-)"
So, how is your wife/mother/sister doing? I met her once at the Piggly-Wiggly...
At UNIVERSITY OF MASSACHUSETTS: 3,500: one to change the bulb, 300 to demand the bulb-changer be granted an engineering degree on the basis of "life experience;" 800 to riot and burn-down the engineering building when the honorary degree is not forthcoming; 200 to hold a special inquiry into racist and sexist university policies at the Statehouse; and the entire staffs at The Boston Globe and New York Times to keep the story alive for a year while demanding reparations because of university homophobic, sexist, racist, lookist, specist, warmongering, global warming Republican policies.
Its funny cause its true...gotta love it...No lights in Arkansas bwaaaaaaaaaaa
Ha......ha.......fairly clever for a Big 10 guy.....;-)
Thats obvious, everyone knows Texas is abbreviated t.u.
In this state, they define an atheist as someone who DOESN'T CARE who wins the Alabama-Auburn game.
LSU!!!
Welcome South to your son.
Everybody knows that "real" football is played in the SEC.
{That should do the trick}
Yea..How did Clarett ever get in and how much Troy Smith is being paid this year..They still gotta Gilligans Island 101 that Katzenmoyer was taking?
THAT is 100% true...
LOL!!
"Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the glories of Southern football!"
Except High School Football in West Texas.
Where do you think those colleges get their players?
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