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Shallow Men And The Women Who Suffer (The Male Lust For The Supermodel Perfect Mate Alert)
Jerusalem Post ^ | Rabbi Shmueley Boteach

Posted on 03/18/2006 7:03:00 PM PST by goldstategop

The miracle of Purim owes much to a superficial, womanizing male who set about dating as many women as possible to find the one that was the most beautiful. Ahasuerus is like so many shallow men today who reduce women to nothing but a slim figure and a pretty face. But in the end, the story of Esther makes it clear that the secretly Jewish queen was chosen not for her looks, but because she "found grace and favor" in the eyes of all who beheld her. There was a womanly dignity, a sublime feminine majesty, to Esther that the rest of the harem lacked. They were empty suits, packaging only, without substance or personality. They were the kind of women who attract attention with low-cut blouses rather than high intelligence, short skirts rather than a lofty spirit. But Esther is a woman possessed both of outer and inner beauty, a heroine who exhibits uncommon wisdom, courage and dedication to the helpless. In short, she is a woman of outstanding character and her story is that of the triumph not only of the Jews over their enemies, but also of a woman's ability to win over a man with her brains rather than her bust.

How tragic, therefore, that Jewish men today have adopted the dating mores of Ahasuerus. And I'm not just talking about secular Jewish men whom we might expect to have adopted less lofty criteria in their choice of a mate. Rather, I am speaking especially of Orthodox Jewish men who have become so obsessed with the three modern virtues of a real woman - large chest, long legs, slim figure - that heart, mind, even the sparkle of her eyes, count for almost nothing.

I once served as matchmaker-in-chief for JDate. But I now find matchmaking nauseating thanks to the dispiriting superficiality of today's Jewish men. I now know that the countless men who tell me how desperate they are to find a really nice girl are lying through their teeth because what they really mean is a woman who looks like a model. At my weekly Sabbath table, where I host many singles, I watch as the men immediately dismiss even the most interesting women with the warmest hearts if they lack a bombshell body.

If she's short, she's out, and if she's overweight, well, that's the kiss of death. I'll set up men with women who I know to be attractive and charming, only to have the guy call me back the next day and complain of a lack of chemistry, by which he always means, "She wasn't pretty enough." The poor woman never had a chance. Before she opened her mouth, her body did her in.

BUT WHY would we expect anything different? Superficial people seek superficial qualities, and men today are about as deep as a crack in the sidewalk. They have been given one criterion for success, money, and they use that money as a commodity to purchase a woman's chief commodity, her physical beauty. Today's religious men are trained to appreciate little else.

I know a 20-year-old Jewish girl who developed a dangerous eating disorder because her very religious parents told her that unless she lost weight the type of yeshiva student they wanted her to marry would not take her out.

But weren't Jewish men, especially Orthodox ones, supposed to be different? The nation that gave the world's Solomon's Ode to a Woman of Valor, where a woman's God-fearing qualities are what make her beautiful, have betrayed that ideal utterly. If you are a woman in the Jewish singles scene who isn't stunningly attractive, you're going to wait a long time to get married. And once you're married, you better keep your looks up, because the women who are going to be praying with you in the ladies' section spend five hours in the gym for every hour they spend in the synagogue. They're not fools. They know that their husbands are trained to appreciate muscle tone rather than piety. And don't have more than two children, even though we need as many Jewish babies as possible, because kids will make your figure go to hell and your breasts droop almost as far.

NEVER believed that I would witness a time when even marriage-minded, Orthodox men would become womanizers, giving themselves the latitude to date as many women as possible so that they can find "the best." In yeshiva I was taught one did not date a woman the way one shopped for a car. Rather, you focused on one woman completely and tried to develop a soulful connection with her without worrying about what else might be out there.

Recently, I had a young rabbinical student of marriageable age at my home. He told me he had already dated 40 girls and had not found what he was looking for. I was stunned. "Forty nice, religious girls, and not one of them was good enough for you?"

But anyone familiar with the increasingly toxic shidduch system among the ultra-Orthodox knows that what many young men are looking for is anathema to Jewish values, namely, looks, money and pedigree. Find all three and you have hit the jackpot. Find only one, or even two, and you have "to settle."

Now, no doubt, in the secular world marrying money and marrying into an important family are also important. But when religious Jews marry for materialistic and ego-driven values, they degrade a glorious spiritual tradition.

It is high time that rabbis started giving sermons from the pulpit exhorting single men in the congregation to be gentlemen and reward women for developing the traits that Judaism truly values like compassion, wisdom and goodness. While physical attraction is always important in marriage - both for men and for women - Jewish leaders must begin inspiring future husbands to judge their wives' attractiveness by considerations beyond flesh alone. For if we fail, we'll continue seeing Jewish women feeling permanently insecure about their "imperfect bodies" rather than taking pride in their generous spirits.


TOPICS: Crime/Corruption; Culture/Society; Editorial; Miscellaneous; News/Current Events; Philosophy
KEYWORDS: 10; boderek; dating; genderwars; jerusalempost; knuckledraggers; perfectmate; rabbishmuley; rabbishmuleyboteach; shmuleyboteach; supernodelwoman; whyanalertinheadline
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To: little jeremiah
I have to defer the credit to vwunpimsmyride. He reminded me of them when discribing his girlfriend.

Sincerely
401 posted on 03/19/2006 1:58:37 PM PST by ScubieNuc
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To: chief_bigfoot

arf arf


402 posted on 03/19/2006 2:10:20 PM PST by hinckley buzzard
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To: beyond the sea

Bump and thanks!


403 posted on 03/19/2006 2:11:14 PM PST by potlatch (Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?)
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To: Gondring
There is a shade of gray/grey that I have encountered only thrice...in some fossilized coral from Florida, in a girlfriend's eyes, and in the clouds of a storm.

Sorry, can't match that!

404 posted on 03/19/2006 2:30:13 PM PST by grey_whiskers (The opinions are solely those of the author and are subject to change without notice.)
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To: SauronOfMordor

Did he finally find the woman of his dreams?


405 posted on 03/19/2006 2:41:03 PM PST by exdem2000
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To: HitmanLV

LOL!


406 posted on 03/19/2006 2:41:49 PM PST by Victoria Delsoul
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To: HitmanLV
That explains why women may dislike goodlooking women. I don't doubt that at all. That being said, the bias I am talking about is that goodlooking women aren't smart, are slutty, are ditzes, goldiggers, etc.

Disliking a woman because she is beautiful makes sense, I understand that. The bias I was talking about unfairly imputes the qualities i listed above - and that makes no sense, as far as i can tell.

It's also very common in our culture, and both men and women are guilty of it, though I will go out on a limb that while women complain about that bias, they probably are the worst offenders. Go figure.

Great post, Hitman - and I can testify to that – it is easy to impugn someone's character and intelligence and purposely and deliberately ignore her instead of trying to know her just because she is smart and attractive. Although, it doesn't bother me as it did before... guess I'm getting old, lol.

407 posted on 03/19/2006 2:45:30 PM PST by Victoria Delsoul
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To: little jeremiah; grey_whiskers

I started reading LOTR when I was in high school in the early seventies. I've read it more times than I can count. Great books.


408 posted on 03/19/2006 2:49:46 PM PST by metmom (Welfare was never meant to be a career choice.)
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To: gregwest

LOL. You got it. I got married later than I wanted but not too late. It makes one much more practical and realistic. I think it worked out better because I wasn't so unrealistic about men and life and what was really important. I grew up a lot during my 20's


409 posted on 03/19/2006 2:52:13 PM PST by metmom (Welfare was never meant to be a career choice.)
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To: metmom
was thinking more of along the lines of the dirty, smelly, toothless welfare bums that were prevalent where we used to live. They had the attitude that was described, that of being picky and thinking they were God's gift to women and were entitled to a knock out, or that a knockout would even be interested.

Sounds like these duys have serious self-esteem issues. As in entirely too damn much self esteem. With some people, when their self esteem (defined as what they think they deserve) far exceeds reality, they tend to become criminals, figuring they'll just TAKE what they're owed (this also describes many rapists)

With others, the ones without the energy to be criminals, they just sit around and dream about all the stuff they'll have when they finally get what they deserve. Meanwhile they vote Democrat

My friend was not a welfare bum. He's blue collar, not all that successful in life, but the kind of guy you would want around if the excrement hit the ventilator.

410 posted on 03/19/2006 3:05:14 PM PST by SauronOfMordor (A planned society is most appealing to those with the hubris to think they will be the planners)
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To: durasell
Couple years ago I was at some shindig where there was a beautiful actress. I kind slithered my way over there to check her out. She was hanging back, not saying a word. Not offering anything. About two months later I discovered she went to Oxford for a couple years and actually studied the topic under discussion...

I think the champ in this routine was Hedy Lamar.

Gorgeous actress from the 30's and 40's.

And patent-holder for spread-spectrum radio.

411 posted on 03/19/2006 3:12:37 PM PST by SauronOfMordor (A planned society is most appealing to those with the hubris to think they will be the planners)
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To: SauronOfMordor

Yep. She liked tinker.


412 posted on 03/19/2006 3:17:00 PM PST by durasell (!)
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To: Victoria Delsoul
I think a lot of guys find it easier to just dismiss whole sets of women rather than actually take a chance and see if any particular one has something substantial to offer as a person.

The risk is that while she may be substantial, she may still reject the man for substantial, rather than shallow, reasons. That's a risk lots of fellas seem unable or unwilling to take - it's easier to believe they will be rejected for shallow reasons than substantial ones.

Gotta give people a chance and just roll with the punches.
413 posted on 03/19/2006 3:28:53 PM PST by HitmanLV (Listen to my demos for Savage Nation contest: http://www.geocities.com/mr_vinnie_vegas/index.html)
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To: Pukin Dog
Men are not looking for a dream-woman, just someone who doesn't come with their own zip-code, who can cook, knows when to shut up, and a few other things. You are wise beyond your years.

A recipe for the perfect woman.

414 posted on 03/19/2006 3:33:47 PM PST by elkfersupper
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To: HitmanLV

Yes, the fear factor gets in the way of good judgment; and the fear of rejection is prevalent when their confidence level is low. All I got to say is.... just try it - after all, practice makes perfect, and the most important thing is, believe in yourself, because if you don't, no one else will.


415 posted on 03/19/2006 3:34:44 PM PST by Victoria Delsoul
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To: wardaddy
I have a Siamese like yours. Mine isn't into all the talking. But a Siamese still knows when its dinner time. LOL

(Denny Crane: "I Don't Want To Socialize With A Pinko Liberal Democrat Commie. Say What You Like About Republicans. We Stick To Our Convictions. Even When We Know We're Dead Wrong.")

416 posted on 03/19/2006 3:39:25 PM PST by goldstategop (In Memory Of A Dearly Beloved Friend Who Lives On In My Heart Forever)
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To: hinckley buzzard

"A universal baseline for attractiveness [across all cultures]"

At last! A definitive answer!


417 posted on 03/19/2006 3:59:48 PM PST by elcid1970
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To: Victoria Delsoul
Yea, I agree.  You can't please everyone, and I don't think people should try.  What any one person thinks of you is always subject to change.  And people have to have the maturity to understand that while they may be a perfectly good person, but that any given person they meet (and may be attracted to) might not respond to them well.  That's life, that's what people say.

For example, when I first met the woman who would be my girlfriend for 1/2 of my law school tenure, I was happy as a clam, DESPITE the way she looked at me. :-)

Things worked out, though. I didn't hold the fact that she didn't care much for me when we first met against her.  And she didn't let her first impression be an eternal obstacle, either.

It pays to be a bit mature about these things and take a chance, and be willing to fail.

Another young woman I was smitten with in law school didn't care for me that way at all.  Shucks - some short term heartache for me - despite being widely regarded as a jerk by many people who know me, I'm a sensitive guy.  But take a chance - sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't.

That story has a great epilogue, though: I bumped into her about a year and a half ago here in Las Vegas.  I almost didn't recognize her: she was having a weekend away in LV with the girls.  Her taste in men wasn't good: she married, has children, and was now divorced.  She was happy to see me, though...

Well I smiled, glanced her up and down, and for insight into  my thoughts about her and a potential dalliance, just click here. ;-)
418 posted on 03/19/2006 4:01:35 PM PST by HitmanLV (Listen to my demos for Savage Nation contest: http://www.geocities.com/mr_vinnie_vegas/index.html)
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To: HitmanLV

Man, you are bad. I checked out the link you posted and, my oh my... that's sooo wrong, LOL!!


419 posted on 03/19/2006 4:07:40 PM PST by Victoria Delsoul
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To: metmom

Heh heh - you're confusing your trilogies. That's a quote from C.S.Lewis' trilogy - starts with "Out of the Silent Planet", then "Perelandra" and finishes with "That Hideous Strength".

I really like them as well only not quite as much as LOTR.


420 posted on 03/19/2006 4:08:35 PM PST by little jeremiah (Tolerating evil IS evil.)
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