Posted on 07/05/2005 5:31:57 AM PDT by Bon mots
Is marriage, as a social institution, doomed? As recently as 50 years ago, it was the norm for people to get married and have children. But now, at least in the west, we are seeing record numbers of people divorcing, leaving marriage until later in life or not getting married at all. In Britain, I was amazed to learn the other day, the proportion of children born outside marriage has shot up from 9 per cent to 42 per cent since 1976. In France, the proportion is 44 per cent, in Sweden, it is 56 per cent and even in the US, with its religious emphasis on family values, it is 35 per cent.
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I suppose we must blame the rise of selfish individualism. People are a lot less willing to sacrifice their independent lifestyle and become part of a couple or family unit than they once were. And if they do marry, the importance they place on their right to a happy life leaves them disinclined to stick around for long once the initial euphoria has worn off.
I wonder, though, if there is another possible explanation: that, frankly, a lot of women do not like men very much, and vice versa? And that, given the choice, a lot of women and men would prefer an adequate supply of casual nookie to a lifelong relationship with a member of the opposite sex?
Choice, after all, is a very recent phenomenon. For most of human history, men and women married not because they particularly liked one another but out of practical necessity: men needed women to cook and clean for them while women needed men to bring home the bacon. It is only in very recent times that women have won legal independence and access to economic self-sufficiency - and only recently, too, that men have been liberated from dependency on women by ready meals and take-away food, automatic washing machines and domestic cleaning services.
During the times of mutual dependency, women were economically, legally and politically subservient to men. This had a number of repercussions. One was that, lacking control over their own lives, women could justifiably hold their husbands responsible for everything, resulting in what men around the world will recognise as the first law of matrimony: "It's all your fault." Second, while men ruled the world, women ruled within the home - often firmly, resulting in the age-old image of the nagging wife and hen-pecked husband. And third, understandably resenting their subjugation outside the home, women took pleasure in characterising their oppressors as selfish, insensitive, lazy, lying, feckless, incompetent scumbags.
Fair enough. But in the last 30 years, relations between men and women have undergone a greater change than at any time in human history. Women have not reached full equality yet, but they are getting close. And now the economic necessity for getting hitched has died out, marriage is on the rocks.
What can be done to save it? My interest in this was provoked by an article I read online last week by Stephanie Coontz, an author of books on American family life. In The Chronicle of Higher Education, she said an important principle was that "husbands have to respond positively to their wives' request for change" - for example, addressing the anomaly that women tend to do the larger share of the housework.
So, husbands have to change. Does this sound familiar? Of course it does, because it is another repetition of the first law of matrimony: "It's all your fault."
I could quibble with Ms Coontz's worries about the uneven split in the male/female workload. In the US, according to the latest time-use survey from the bureau of labour statistics, employed women spend on average an hour a day more than employed men on housework and childcare; but employed men spend an hour a day longer doing paid work. While this may be an imperfect arrangement, it hardly seems a glaring injustice.
But my point is this. Yes, men must change; indeed, they are changing, which is why we hear so much about new men and metrosexuals and divorced fathers fighting for custody of their children. But are women so perfect, or so sanctified by thousands of years of oppression, that they cannot be asked to change even the tiniest bit, too?
If economic necessity is not going to bring and keep men and women together in marriage, then we are going to have to rely on mutual affection and respect. And there is not going to be much of that about as long as women - assisted by television sitcoms and media portrayals in general - carry on stereotyping men as selfish, insensitive, lazy, lying, feckless, incompetent scumbags, even if some of them are.
So, my timorous suggestion is that it is time for women to shrug off the legacy of oppression and consider changing their approach to men and marriage. First, with power comes responsibility, which means it is now all women's fault as much as men's and, hence, the end of the blame and complain game. Second, if women are to share power in the world, men must share power in the home, which means that they get an equal say in important decisions about soft furnishings.
Most of all, it is time for the negative stereotyping to go. I know women will say: "But it's true!" If so, then marriage certainly is doomed.
But whose fault is that? If you treat all men as selfish, insensitive, lazy, lying, feckless, incompetent scumbags, you should not be surprised if that is what they turn out to be.
I also require that a man be a conservative ideologue.
PRICELESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hear you - I cover that requirement by adding that a prospective mate mush have a similar world view as I do. :-)
Why credit the schools, rather than yourself, your own intellect, and your own effort?
Good luck with E.E.; that's what my husband does (digital network design).
Does anyone else think educated females are boring? I can't stand dumb women, but most educated women have no sense of logic, and most spew liberal propaganda at me.
I must respectfully disagree with you.
National Socialism is Fascism. Fascism is a far-right ideology, so far that it starts to meet up with the far left on the circle of political ideology.
We can pretend that National Socialism was the same as Socialism because it makes us feel farther from it, but we have to admit that some "conservatives" go too far and become Statists, even on this site.
LOL...well, (sort of) luckily for me, all my children are boys. I'm more worried about them killing themselves doing some bone-headed stunt, driving recklessly, or drinking themselves silly once they leave home. :)
What I am NOT worried about is that they will depend on some woman to cook or clean or do laundry for them. I am making sure they learn how to do for themselves. I don't know when or if they will marry, and if they do, whether or not their wives will know how to do these things. I don't think that teaching them this stuff will feminize them, either, lol. With any luck, my husband and I will provide them with an excellent idea of what a good marriage and family are, and what is necessary to achieve that. I hope they never know the pain of divorce. :(
Not at all. Educated women are the sexiest women.
Well, the sexiest women to have a long-term relationship with. ;)
*snicker* Since SirSuziQ trusts that I will NEVER bring anything frou-frou into this house, he is content to let me choose. However I ALWAYS ask his opinion on any sort of furniture coverings since he needs to be happy with it, too. Considering we don't purchase stuff like that very often, we want to make sure we like it cause we're gonna have it a LONG time.
Right now I'm on a quest for the perfect bedding ensemble for our new Master Suite. It's tough because I don't like flowers, and most geometrics don't do anything for me. I found a nice pattern online, not overly colorful, but nice shades. Unfortunately, I can't find it locally. DRAT!
LOL! You are braver than I. I thought about saying the same thing, but decided against it. I'm too tired, lol.
Congrats on your anniversary. You have lasted so long precisely because of your attitudes toward your union. Sir SuziQ and I are celebrating 30 years this October!
Have fun!
Statement such as ... not wanting to get married because getting drunk 5 nights a week is much better than having kids ... are indicative of both extreme youth and pop-culture brainwashing.
Thanks I was blessed for 20 years so can't complain.
Well said!
Well said!
And as another wise woman stated it,"It's the difference between schooling as "filling an empty bottle," and education as "lighting a fire."
I pretty much agree.
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