Why Women Must Change Too if we are to Rescue Marriage

The Financial Times ^ | July 5, 2005 | Richard Tomkins

[HitmanLV]

I have some experience in the law biz, like you, and it can be a dreadful grind. I don't miss it at all. I was never suited to chase a carrot and be subjected to some SOB's whims, anyway.

I worked hard to get my life - I make good money, have a lot of flexibility and freedom, don't have to take anyone's crap, etc.

Why in the world would I date a woman who can't keep pace with my lifestyle? Like I said, I have no interest in my honey calling me up (almost nightly) at the last minute canceling plans because she has to work.

I've had many nice conversations with my former colleague women: they are anxious to tell me about how fulfilling their career is, and how they love how women have more choices than ever before and they enjoy it. When my turn comes, I pretty much say that I agree, and I like the freedom and choice I have, to be able to reject women with their career demands.

Funny, when their choice is about rejecting men, they eat it up and take delight. It seldom occurs to them (until it is explicitly articulated) that us guys are enjoying more freedom and choice too: and often that means rejecting them and women like them. The blank stares I get is priceless. ;-)

[HitmanLV]

I have some experience in the law biz, like you, and it can be a dreadful grind. I don't miss it at all. I was never suited to chase a carrot and be subjected to some SOB's whims, anyway.

I worked hard to get my life - I make good money, have a lot of flexibility and freedom, don't have to take anyone's crap, etc.

Why in the world would I date a woman who can't keep pace with my lifestyle? Like I said, I have no interest in my honey calling me up (almost nightly) at the last minute canceling plans because she has to work.

I've had many nice conversations with my former colleague women: they are anxious to tell me about how fulfilling their career is, and how they love how women have more choices than ever before and they enjoy it. When my turn comes, I pretty much say that I agree, and I like the freedom and choice I have, to be able to reject women with their career demands.

Funny, when their choice is about rejecting men, they eat it up and take delight. It seldom occurs to them (until it is explicitly articulated) that us guys are enjoying more freedom and choice too: and often that means rejecting them and women like them. The blank stares I get is priceless. ;-)

[HitmanLV]

Well, that's romance, I suppose... ;-)

[Melas]

Don't be too hard on your friend. Some of us are better equiped to lead a family life than others. History is repleat with men, often great men who weren't cut out for marriage or children.

[papertyger]

The goal should be to reduce the number of unhappy marriages, not to bar the exit.

DINGDINGDINGDING! We have a winner. Now comes the easy part... how do you make people satisfied with what they've got?

[Melas]

Excellent post. I think you hit the nail on the head. Although I'm divorced myself, I can't argue with a word of it. Luckily for me though, soon after leaving my disasterous first marriage, I met a wonderful woman, and we're working on 15 years of marriage now.

[Mrs. Don-o]

Hello Rhino, You wrote: "I know this is going to get me a shit storm, but home schooling is probably the worst way to educate a child."

I don't have any, um, excrement to fling, but if you appreciate research instead of volleys of fragmentary impressions and subsequent shitstorms, I have something worth looking at:

* The largest data set on the academic success of the home educated reveals positive things. 16,311 students from across the country were tested with the nationally normed Iowa Test of Basic Skills. The nationwide average for the homeschooled on the Basic Battery (i.e., reading, language, and math) was the 77th percentile. They were at the 79th percentile in reading, the 73rd in language, and the 73rd in math. (The national average is, by definition, the 50th percentile.) 1

* Canada's largest study of its kind revealed similar findings on the academic success of the home educated. Dr. Brian Ray found the students scoring, on average, at the 80th percentile in reading, the 76th in language, and the 79th in math. Students whose parents were certified teachers did no better than the other students. 2

* Dr. Steven Duvall compared the academic engaged time (AET) and basic skill development of learning disabled students who were home educated to those in public school special education programs. Higher rates of AET and greater academic gains were made by the home educated. "... parents, even without special education training, provided powerful instructional environments at home..." (p. 11). 3

* Repeatedly, across North America, the home educated score as well as or better, on average, than those in conventional schools. 4

* Drs. Paulo de Oliveira, Timothy Watson, and Joe Sutton studied Christian college-age students at a large liberal arts, Christian university. They compared four groups - those who had graduated from two types of private schools, from public schools, and those from homeschools. There were no statistically significant differences in various critical thinking skills among the student groups. That is, the home educated did as well as the others. 5

* Public school, conventional Christian school, and homeschool graduates at a large, Christian liberal arts university were examined and compared for their college academic preparedness and college academic achievement. Dr. Rhonda Galloway found that the home educated performed as well or better than the others on these measures.6

* Dr. Gary Knowles, of the University of Michigan, explored adults who were home educated. None were unemployed and none were on welfare, 94% said home education prepared them to be independent persons, 79% said it helped them interact with individuals from different levels of society, and they strongly supported the home education method.7

Endnotes (Full citations are in the Home Centered Learning Annotated Bibliography available from NHERI):

1. Home School Legal Defense Association, 1994.
2. Brian D. Ray, 1994.
3. Steven F. Duvall, 1994.
4. Brian D. Ray, 1992.
5. Paulo Oliveira, Timothy G. Watson, & Joe P. Sutton, 1994.
6. Rhonda A. Galloway, 1994
7. J. Gary Knowles, 1991.

The National Home Education Research Institute gathers and distributes a wealth of information and NHERI is actively engaged in collecting and analyzing original research data.

NATIONAL HOME EDUCATION RESEARCH INSTITUTE
Brian D. Ray, Ph.D., President
PO Box 13939, Salem, Oregon 97309, (503) 364-1490, fax (503) 364-2827, www.nheri.org

Beyond this, the average hmeschooler gets MORE outside-of-school socializing and recreational actiities than does the typical public school student, including Scouting, church youth groups, music, art, and sports activities.

See?

No negative prejudicial impressions, no shit storms.

Cordially,

Mrs. Don-o

[Melas]

I disagree whole-heartedly. I've seen many couplings with 25 year old women and 35 year old men, where he was easing into full blown homebody mode, and she was still wanting the night life. From what I've observed, it's a situation that only gets worse as he really begins to slow down in his 40's, and she's still in her 30's. Never mind that men tend to experience poor health sooner, and die younger than women.

In short, 10 years is more often than not a considerable gap in where two people are in life. I wouldn't recomend it.

[Diana in Wisconsin]

"Actually, the economics would tell you that, since women have expanded the labor market, the purchasing power of a single salary has gone down precipitously. It's a spiral, the more two-income families there are, the less one income will buy."

I find that very interesting. Where did that data come from? On one hand, it makes sense, but how would an expanded workforce, whether it were men or women holding the jobs, cause our purchasing power to decline?

I think there's not enough money in two-income homes due to the "wants" I elaborated on above, and the fact that there's less saveable or debt-reduction income to go around because that second income also has to cover things like daycare for the kids, work wardrobe, maybe a second vehicle, extra payroll and income taxes, after-school care for the kids, more expensive convenience foods rather than cheaper home cooking, lunches away from home, an extra bottle of Scotch for the "weekend recouperation period," etc.

When I sat down and crunched the numbers, it was absolutely NOT worth the time and money for me to work fulltime outside of the home; and I was making really good money. I was getting burned out when my son hit Junior High age, and he was struggling in school, so that's when I quit my Corporate Career to be a SAHM/Classroom Mom. I know I stated earlier that I would never live off of another person's earnings, but I did make the exception for those few years there when the kid needed an extra helping hand and we lived on DH's income alone. I was basically working for FREE when there were more important matters at hand, which was the STUPIDEST thing I ever did, LOL!

Wonder how many millions of second-earners are doing the same right this minute? Hey you Cubicle Dwellers! Crunch the numbers and go home if you can. ;)

[papertyger]

Funny, when their choice is about rejecting men, they eat it up and take delight. It seldom occurs to them (until it is explicitly articulated) that us guys are enjoying more freedom and choice too: and often that means rejecting them and women like them. The blank stares I get is priceless. ;-)

And of course they will slap a coat of make-up on it, and call it something other than "hypocrisy."

[TheForceOfOne]

[Melas]

Hefner Syndrome: I keep getting older, but the women I like stay the same age.

It's just a bit on the creepy side now when you're 37. You can probably even hold on to it well into your 40's. When you're seriously middle aged and beyond though, you'll really be looked at as a sick freak.

I'm 41, and I find the idea of relations with a 23 year old to be totally repugnant. Then again, my step-daughter who I raised from the time she was 12, is 26, so that probably has a lot to do with it.

[highball]

Funny stuff, although that was already considered a joke when it was printed.

[HitmanLV]

I agree with you. I benefit a bit from looking younger than I am - people tend to figure me for late 20s or so. I benefit also from genetics (I have all of my hair, and more), my macho good looks (of course), as well as never drinking or smoking in my life (though I enjoy a good cigar maybe 12-15x a year these days). I was never a big boozer, partier, etc, and that does make a difference in looks to an extent.

Also when it comes to women, in the age group that I like and even more so with older ones, a lot of the seduction game has to do with having a very good rap and distuinguishing yourself from other males out there. I do both easily, so having a lady companion has never been a problem for me in my adult life.

I date a woman in her early 30s who is very goodlooking: she is a musician and shuttles a lot between LA and NYC. We speak daily and see each other for a long weekend every 3 to 4 weeks. That suits me just fine. I agree that I naturally feel more comfortable with her (a 5 year spread in ages) than I would with a girl who was 23 or 24. But its negligible - if a woman is mature and has her act together, it tends to not matter to me very much that I'm older.

I don't date women close to my age nor older, sorry. ;-)

[AmishDude]

My reasoning comes from the basic "X" in the supply-demand curves. Labor is just another commodity with a price.

You are right in that there is a cost associated with working outside the home, if one has children and I've heard others make the same calculation, but usually with pre-school aged children. Some of your costs depend on living conditions. The second car is usually always needed unless the breadwinner commutes via public transportation, etc.

[HitmanLV]

For a bunch of really together, progressive, independent minded, agressive, successful, smart women, they tend to not take criticism too well... ;)

[exnavychick]

Now comes the easy part... how do you make people satisfied with what they've got?

Ah, and ain't that the crux of the matter? Most folks don't get married thinking "Oh, I can always get divorced if things don't work out", after all. They love each other...I just think a lot of folks get caught up in the mundane, day to day routine and mistakenly assume that by changing their partner - either the one they have or simply getting another one - will magically cure what ails them.

They forget...bored people are often boring themselves, and looking outside the marriage for a way to fix the problems IN the marriage is just ASKING for trouble, imo.

For the record, that seems to be an ailment suffered by a lot of men and women both...it just gets acted on differently.

[TheForceOfOne]

I put a copy on the refrigerator for the lady of the house. She has a good sense of humor. ;P

[walden]

Nobody wanting the nightlife should marry at all. But in my generation (I'm 46), most women wanted a baby by age 25, which is just about perfect.

[walden]

I am so sorry for your loss.