Posted on 01/03/2005 8:31:56 AM PST by qam1
Nita and Ken Eaton hit the stores last month, as they do every Christmas, to find just the right gifts for the youngsters on their shopping list.
The carefully chosen presents weren't for their youngsters but for their nieces and nephews.
The Eatons are part of a small but growing segment of American couples who have chosen not to have children.
"We spend a lot of time thinking about what we're going to get our nieces and nephews for Christmas. We want to get them something meaningful," said Nita Eaton, 38.
The Eatons, married for five years, never had the desire to become parents.
"People used to always say: 'Your clock is ticking. You'll change your mind. It's different when they're your own,' " Nita said. "When I worked in a law firm, we were all in the age group to have kids, and I'd go to baby shower after baby shower, and I'd have to say honestly that it never hit me."
Many childless couples say they find themselves drifting away from friends once children are added to the mix.
"We started feeling sort of socially isolated," said Andrea Wenker, 33, of Colorado Springs. "Our friends started having babies and their lives changed. It revolves around the kids, and for good reason. The kind of things you used to do with your friends aren't an option anytime.
"They're talking about childbirth and diapers. It's important to their lives, but you start feeling, 'I'm still here, I'm still a person.' You start to feel kind of invisible."
She and Peter, her husband of 13 years, are childless by choice, and she is the coordinator of Denver Metro NO KIDDING!, one of 101 chapters of an international social group of more than 10,000 couples and singles without children. The Colorado group has about 200 members, 10 to 20 of whom typically attend the monthly get-togethers.
Jerry Steinberg, of Vancouver, British Columbia, calls himself the founding non-father of NO KIDDING! He started the group in 1983, he said via e-mail, because he was losing friends as they started to have children.
"They were no longer available for phone conversations, getting together for coffee or lunch, going to see movies, or much else," he said.
"Most people who have children seem to understand why I felt the need for a social club for child-free people, since people usually like to socialize with others who share at least some of their interests and have a similar lifestyle. After all, most, if not all, of (parents') friends were made through their kids' activities - the soccer moms get together, the softball dads meet, the school parents become friends, etc."
The number of childless-by-choice couples can't easily be determined, but anecdotal evidence indicates that their ranks are growing.
The Census Bureau doesn't ask whether couples are childless by choice, but the bureau projects that the percentage of families with children under 18 will decline from 47.7 percent in 1995 to 41.3 percent by 2010.
According to the National Center for Health Statistics, 6.6 percent of American women said they were voluntarily childless in 1995, the last time researchers asked the question. The number was up from 4.9 percent in 1982 and 6.2 percent in 1988.
The State of Our Unions, a 2003 report by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, reported Census Bureau projections that families with children will make up only 28 percent of U.S. households by 2010, the lowest number in at least a century.
"The underlying reason that there are fewer children is basically that women have other things to do," said David Popenoe, sociology professor at Rutgers and co-director of the National Marriage Project.
"Child-rearing in modern times is expensive and can be onerous, especially after you've been living as a single person or a couple without children for a while."
The decision to choose children, however, ultimately is very rewarding, he said.
"Over the long term, it's people who have children who are the happiest," said Popenoe.
Childless couples are used to hearing that their choice is either selfish or motivated by a dislike of children.
"I think it's being honest about what your priorities are and how you use them," said Wenker. "It doesn't mean everything's about you all the time. People don't decide to be parents because they're being philanthropic; it's because they want kids."
Nita Eaton works with children as a school psychologist.
"I like kids a lot and work with them in school," she said. "I see kids out there who don't have parents. That really played into my decision. If I decided to have kids, I'd go adopt one."
Population issues drive some decisions about whether to bear children.
"Whether or not I want to have kids is not the only consideration," said Wenker. "I believe there's a problem with population, serious issues with the environment, and I believe I have to be part of the solution."
Would-be parents should carefully consider their choice, said Ken Eaton, 42.
"It's a big decision that needs to be well-thought-out. There are a lot of unwanted kids out there. People didn't take the time to think about whether they would take the time to raise them."
Couples without children say they have more time to spend with their spouses and for volunteering.
The Eatons have three greyhounds and are board members of Rocky Mountain Greyhound Adoption, which they doubt they could do if they had children.
"They take a lot of time, energy and motivation. One has various autoimmune issues, one had a leg amputated, the other had a viral infection and has pretty bad arthritis," said Ken Eaton.
Having siblings who have children, say childless couples, tends to turn down the heat on family expectations to produce grandchildren.
Nita Eaton has three brothers with children, and all three of Ken's siblings have children.
"If I were an only child, I think, the pressure would be pretty great," Nita said. "I've always been pretty outspoken. My mom's pretty much backed off."
In a culture where parenthood is the norm, those who choose to bypass the baby boom often have their decisions questioned.
"Nobody's deliberately nasty," said Wenker. "From men, I get an odd reaction. The reaction (Peter) gets is, they get this look in their eyes that he's lucky. They like to get me to admit it's possible I'll change my mind. What I have to say to that is 'It doesn't seem likely' and 'It's just not an option.'
"I like my life. My husband and I have a very close relationship. We value the time between the two of us and can't imagine that interrupted. I've never regretted it."
Nita Eaton said she felt like an outsider when they moved into a neighborhood filled with young children.
"The woman who sold us our house said the neighbors had been asking how many kids we have," she said.
There is no cultural celebratory template for women who decide not to have children.
"I've thrown baby showers for girlfriends, and it's kind of this rite of passage," said Wenker. "We're going to buy you presents to get you started and treat you like Queen for a Day. It doesn't occur to anybody to celebrate a child-free woman in that way."
According to the standards of the Catholic Church, it wouldn't be a natural marriage because they intentionally not having children. People who are infertile are an exception. That's not their fault but how many people don't have kids so they can have more goodies?
I agree. And your points about this article being a part of the homosexual agenda (especially the push to paint them as something of a "normal alternative") are excellent. I hadn't thought of that angle.
What I want to know is why so many of these childless couples end up having a pack of dogs they treat like children...
;-)
Yes exactly what I had in mind.
Your input solicited.
"Every time I read about couples like this I remember the little old ladies in the nursing homes I have visited who never had any children and have to rely on that lone nephew who lives 1,500 miles away for a family connection."
Oh, I don't know. My wife and I have no children by our own choice. We're providing for ourselves, and will continue to do so. However, our family is large and strong, on both sides. We're favorites of our nieces, nephews and, now, a few grandnieces and nephews. We're not so stupid, though, as to assume they'll take care of us in our old age. We're doing that for ourselves.
Deciding not to have children is not necessarily a selfish choice at all. For many people, having children is a bad idea, medically and genetically. Since you don't know anything about my wife and I and our decision, making any statement at all about us would be presumptuous and wrong.
Yep, especially on FR, I'm sure there are lots of good parents.
What they don't realize is that some people are emotionally, intellectually or psychologically singularly unsuited for parenthood.
Yep again.
...And as a side note, speaking as a Christian, I also believe married Christians are not required and should not be expected to have children.
That is one of the most compelling reasons that has occurred to me when I mull over our options. Who will care when we are old? Is that enough reason to change my life now?
But then again, children often dump ageing parents in a rest home and never visit.
Its both harsh and wrong. Being an adult doesn't mean that its a moral imperative to have children. People can contribute to society and humanity without producing offspring. Some of the most charitable people I've ever met do not have children. Not having kids isn't always an act of selfishness ( not that there is anything wrong with being selfish either)
True, but if these people believed their personal decisions were nobody's business but their own, they would have told the reporter, "No thanks, our life is our own business." Obviously, they wanted to share their personal decisions with the public. Having done so, they are open to the public's judgment. Some readers no doubt said, "Oh, she's right! Where's MY not-having-a-baby shower?!"
Others said (as I have), "Is this for real?" On further reflection, I don't believe "Andrea Wenker, 33" even exists. The line "I'm still here ... I'm still a person!" is such a parody that the reporter had to have made it up!
No prob! It's nice to be on the same wavelength. :-)
Agreed.
My dog is 16 years old, and I have never had to go to a PTA meeting for her.
I am making no judgements. It is just sad when people are old and have no one to watch after them.
Thank Sam and Rosie Gamgee. They had the happiest ending...and they were the future of Middle Earth!
Those poor bachelors, Bilbo and Frodo, who spent their whole lives serving the Ring of Power, sailed off into the West, never to be heard from again...
;-)
If they ever drove across Nebraska, they'd know better!
"I tend to agree. What harm do these folks do by choosing not to have kids?"
A good question. Perhaps the harm is in creating envy among those who do have kids. I know there are a few couples I know who resent my wife and I for not having them. We can do as we please and never need baby sitters. We don't have to plan for college educations and can travel as much as we like, within the confines of our careers.
We pay property taxes (and big ones) to support the public schools, so in a way we're subsidizing those families who have children.
It's a silly discussion.
She also never said, "Goodnight Daddy, I love you..."
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