Posted on 12/17/2004 9:25:01 AM PST by John Robertson
My wife and I just got word from my daughter's college that we will be shocked when we see her tonight, when she gets home for Christmas break. We were fairly shocked at Thanksgiving, at the weight she'd dropped. Her personality is off, she has lost her sense of humor, has mood swings, her menstruation has stopped, she can barely sleep. She's eating, but not much. A few granola bars a day, and water. She is not skeletal, certainly, but way too thin, and her "spark" is gone. She may or may not be taking some vitamin supplements we got her. Though she is not officially diagnosed, she exhibits enough signs of the syndrome that saying, "Let's wait and see" is simply major denial. She's got it. My wife is scrambling right now, looking for the right local program or specialist in our area (Pittsburgh) to deal with her. The situation is dire.
Well...it's not too late to do something...
Take a look at different ways of interacting with her...Make her feel more accepted and loved by you. Lower the bar just a little bit on her. She is trying to please you so much that she's not taking care of herself.
I agree. Don't let her go back to school until she is mentally safe. She can go back and finish next year. I have three daughters and I adore them. Best, best to you, John.
See my #174. Most people EAT when depressed. I can never eat ANYTHING when stressed or depressed.
Prayers for you and your family, please let us know how it is going.
I would think the best place to start is asking her why she thinks this is happening to her.
I have no advice to offer, but we will certainly keep your family in our prayers, and pray for your daughter's recovery.
Anorexia Nervosa is not to be taken lightly, It can be fatal. The solution is long term professional psychological counceling. There are psychologist who specialize in treatment of this and other eating disorders.
It is not something that can be treated by monitoring, but requires a major adjustment of the patients "self talk".
Seek Help NOW
I am a 22 yr old recent college grad who has seen anorexia in its earliest and most severe stages. As for recovery and helping your daughter. Get her a journal. Talk with her as much as possible, not about eating but about life, about her past semester. Stressors in her life. How does she generally handle stress, is she a perfectionist, has she had trouble transitioning into college in her first year and a half? Talk to her friends, if she went to school with friends talk to them if possible, or others who she has kept in touch with, often times they will know much more about what is happening in your daughters life than she would ever be willing to admit to you. A friend of mine who suffered from the illness late in high school and through her first two years of college was unsure of her sexuality. How is that issue addressed in your family and community? Do you think you could openly speak with her about such an issue? My friend after 2 years of battling the disease and moving back and forth from anorexia to bulimia was confronted by her mother and was back to normal in no time.
Others personal friends have had the disease develop over time for various reasons (nothing quite as specific as the first) and those seem much harder to combat. Of the 3 others that I've known one began binging and purging after confronted by parents, was able to hide it for so long that her four front teeth rotted out due to the stomach acid. Two I know have been helped a great deal by meeting with a nutritionist regularly. One girl actually has been at a healthy weight for 5 years now although she regressed her first year of college (she roomed with a girl who was bulimic), she has been "okay" since. Lastly, I have a sister in-law who has had the disease for 10+ years. Numerous interventions, causal talks, nutritionsits have been of no help. She did not have her menstrual period for years (others missed for months at a time during their most severe stages of the illness) yet was able to get pregnant and have two children. I have researched this issue so much and found little help. You are lucky, it is early in its stages and the sooner you put together a plan of action the more likely you will be able to help her. I, like you, am using these posts to look for more answers, help, useful suggestions...
Things I suggest being on the lookout for if she is in denial. If she is pressured to eat since she is now home she may move to bulimia. Large amounts of food in short amounts of time, generally they will drink pop or something with carbonation (it makes vomiting easier). Keep an eye out for marks on the back of her dominant hand from gagging herself if you suspect she has moved to bulimia, or long showers after a meal, brushing teeth constantly after using the bathroom after a large meal. Also, be on the lookout for her use in laxatives, or diet pills such as Trimspa or other like that, very dangerous. I have found that people with this disease become very deceptive very quickly, check in other medicine or tylenol bottles for diet pills that she may be hiding. When eating at the table (if your family does) watch her very closely, does she distract your attention to other things while she puts food in her napkin? gives it to the dog? hides it under her plate until she gets up, or just pushes it around to look like it was eating. Wow, it seems as though I could go on for days about signs to look for, I am sure you have read a great deal of this by now from other posts and online sites. I hope that this was somewhat helpful to you and your family and please post and keep us updated on your progress or help you have found along the way.
I wish you nothing but the best of luck. Please be sure to hug your daughter and tell her that you love her. Whatever happens do not give up until she is better.
Yup. At this point, his daughter is her own worst enemy. She cannot be trusted to take care of herself. She is lying to herself by telling herself she's still fat and that the anorexia is okay. Anorexia is illogical. Bony skeleton women are not particularly attractive (especially once you add in health complications from the eating disorder). Unfortunately, this means that you can't reason with her, just as she can't reason with herself. You definitely cannot trust her with her own health; that much is obvious.
Another thing you might consider (although it will be difficult with her college so far away) is her friends. Are they contributing to her anorexia? Or could they help her to keep it under control (after all, they'll be around her a lot). If her friends are encouraging her to be anorexic, she needs to stop seeing them. If they are a problem, you should not let her return to school right away.
THANKS TONS FOR YOUR KIND WORDS, JOHN,
PRAISE GOD for whatever was of value or turns out to be of value.
I just know from working with several such young gals that it's a very complex and challenging collection of things to deal with. My heart just went out to you and your family.
As usual, I just tried to put myself in your shoes and trusted God to help me share whatever from all He's taught me that might be of any chance to be of value to you.
I trust you'll toss out what doesn't fit.
AND, use any of it as grist for the brainstorming mill to foster creative ideas of your own.
I think just a rule of thumb to DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT--WHATEVER HAS BEEN HISTORICALLY DONE in the relationship that seems in this hindsight to not have worked so well--DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. And God can guide about that if you'll ask Him to guide you in such.
LOTS of other priorities turn out to be chaff when faced with life or death situations. And, it turns out that communicating faithful, strong, REGARDLESS caring, love is an incredibly powerful and healing message regardless of what has gone before.
No need to compromise your personhood or Godly priorities. But in my experience, a lot of what we assume to have been Godly priorities can too easily turn out to have been our own human notions. We need to got to Him to get His priorities in specific daily life situations and relationships, imho.
I think in this situation a big priority is to communicate that you care and will leave no stone unturned to work this out TOGETHER as much as is fitting.
It's soooooooo challenging to communicate open handed love to a teen or early adult. But I'm confident you and wife can manage it with God's help.
I think the suggestion for support for you and wife is crucial, too. You can't help take care of your daughter if you don't take care of yourself--there won't be anything left to give her.
I think in general the advice given to avoid anger is probably good advice but I wouldn't necessarily avoid it 100% ALL the time. Let God guide you. There are conceivably situations when anger would be fitting. But make it constructive, redemptive anger--NOT--hopeless gendering, put-down kinds of anger. And quickly include an alternative out for next time so that whatever triggered the anger can be avoided. The professionals can give you more specifics on that tailored to your daughter and situation after they've had some time with her.
I agree with one poster about being firm with her. But I wouldn't want that in an authoritarian, cold, distant, snooty, petulant, 'we've been wronged and now you're going to pay for this crazy stunt' etc. sort of way. Authoritative as fitting--sure--not authoritarIAN. One is a fitting role of a parent and the other is a more demagog sort of harsh, cold, distancing thing.
Probably the best place for firmness and even occasional sternness is in the area of BEHAVIOR MOD and the Cognative therapy. I'd ask the professionals to give you a quick course in cognative therapy as best fits your daughter so you and wife can play a more effective collaborative role.
Basically the BEHAVIOR MOD will rearrange the contingencies toward her gaining weight. And I really would persist until I found a therapist skilled in helping you set up changed contingencies. And, one who has a track record of success with anorexics through such methods. The research seems to be pretty clear about the effectiveness.
It would help your professional if you'd sit down with your wife and just draw up a list--brain-storm and draw up a list of all the things that you each ARE AND GIVE to your daughter--EVERYTHING--EVERY LAST DETAIL YOU CAN THINK OF THAT HAS ANY SIGNIFICANCE AT ALL.
Then go through and rank those from most important to least. And then you might rate them on a 10 pt scale as to how much you'd guess that she'd consider them important.
Then, I'd list all the things that she got otherwise but which you had some influence or control over and rank those then rate them. Prepare copies of the above for the BEHAVIOR MOD professional. But even before you got there, you might prayerfully consider if there's anything you could adjust immediately.
I agree that weight gain is a good measure to key things to. But in the immediate short term of the next several days to a week until you get into see a professional,, you might do well to focus on eating healthy substantive somethings of X proportions and then her staying with you for the following at least 2-4 hours.
After you have ranked and rated the goodies, you need to come up with what a reasonable exchange rate might be. Certainly the professional will need to advise you on that from their experience and awareness after sessions with your daughter. But you can profit from thinking some about it ahead of time.
Some key things need to be pretty significant in terms of costs. The things she MOST wants need to cost her the most in weight gained or in the short term, number of calories/cups of meat whatever's healthy etc. That is, she has to REALLY ALTER HER BEHAVIOR in a healthy direction to obtain much of anything of what she MOST WANTS.
But it has to be a somewhat realistic, hopeful thing. There needs to be some prayerful, sensitive assessment as to what is a reasonable step for her without expecting unreasonable leaps. And I wouldn't necessarily take her word for it at all. That needs to be a prayerful thing and a consultative thing with the professional. I wouldn't be swayed by a lot of whining but I would listen to her heart with Holy Spirit's help. We don't want to increase her sense of helplessness or hoplelessness.
We DO want to increase her sense of being able to succeed AT GETTING HEALTHY; FORSAKING STINKIN THINKIN ETC and being able to grow and overcome. So some of the things she can earn with good eating behavior should be RELATIVELY easily done if she's going to be around you preventing purging etc. And you will likely have to have your wife go into the bathroom IF her case has progressed to that point. I'd pray that one through and ask the professional their assessment of how to treat trips to the bathroom initially etc.
Some how you really do have to treat gaining weight or in the short term eating well as a life and death thing as it is. It's OK for her to know that you're scared out of your wits about such possibilities. But it's also important that she know that you are not about to let THE PROBLEM RULE YOU. Or her, for that matter.
THE COGNATIVE THERAPY deals with the long list of patterns of stinkin thinkin. And, the research is clear that this is another key. Cognative therapy is the grandchild of behavior mod. So, they should work well together if done right.
You and your wife can begin already by assessing your own verbalizations and thought patterns. REMOVE *******ALL******* PUT DOWNS TO HER AND TO EACH OTHER AND TO ANYONE ELSE IN THE HOME. If something less than lauditory must be said for a constructive reason, then word it in a redemptive, constructive way. Or don't say it.
Another list of things you and wife and anyone else close to her would do well to draw up is a list of admirable, enjoyable, likeable things about her. Grandparents, anyone who knows her well can contribute. I'd pray over that list and ask God to show you what sorts of things and what specifics would touch her heart the most to hear them from you or from your Wife. some things would be more powerful from one of you than the other of you. Find out which is which. Behave accordingly.
Some things I'd write in short notes and leave where she'll find them. Some things I'd tell her while hugging her. Some things I'd tell in front of store clerks and others out in public. Some things I might even stage for her to overhear me saying on the phone. May times we HEAR things better that we hear eavesdropping than if they are told directly to us.
Some things I'd think of 100 creative ways to say the same thing only differently. Such as--"Precious daughter--you are more important to me than any job or possession. And I feel so stupid that I've been too busy about petty things to have missed effectively communicating that to you."
"Hey twinkle eyes--thanks for getting my attention. I just want you to know that you'll always have it the rest of my life. And if you think you don't, please yell at me until you're sure you do."
Ask Jesus to show you what being her servant-hearted dad and mom would BEST LOOK LIKE DAY BY DAY, MOMENT BY MOMENT. That's different than slave/maid/butler though some of the tasks might be the same. Servant hearted is Christ on the Cross. The alabaster perfume bottle . . . etc. Extreme sacrificial giving but not kowtowing to evil or destructiveness. Enhancing your role as parents, not surrendering it.
I think I'd make it a real high priority to do SOMETHING SILLY--EACH OF YOU--MOM AND DAD--SOMETHING SILLY AND HUMOROUS or silly/touching every day. Every or every other 4 hours wouldn't hurt!. Let your daughter see parts of your personalities and characters that maybe she hasn't seen or you haven't let out for a long time.
Lay aside any constipated, puffed up, prickly, easily offended, pretentious, showy, appearance concern driven starchy-ness. Let her see any such changes very vividly, dramatically.
You could even sit down with your wife and draw up another list. Ask God to show you those behaviors, habits, communication patterns etc. that may have communicated perfectionism; put downs; over concern with appearances and surface things vs heart foundational things etc. Then rate those in terms of most impact to least impact. You might also mark them according to how typical or frequent they likely were manifested in daily life.
Then ask God to show you how to act in a constructive OPPOSITE way. Especially in an off the wall (healthily) spontaneous flavored, serendipitous, carefree sort of way. Some opposite ways- I'd make very silly and off the wall.
Some expressions, communications, I'd make very sober and sensitive. That movie THE FIVER RUNS THROUGH IT might be a good one to watch together as a family and talk about. It's full of rich sensitive observations and exchanges. Perhaps even stopping it after a powerful exchange or narration and talking about the points made as they might have applied or been missed in your family.
I suppose as early as possible, I'd try and have some exchange or for her to just happen to observe you and/or wife communicating or behaving
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OUT OF CHARACTER IN A WONDERFUL WAY that it would knock her socks off favorably. What could you and/or wife do--and each needs to at some point and the more such the better within reason . . . What could you do that would cause her jaw to drop in a favorable way relationally, communicationally???
I wish I could be more specific but it really needs to come from within you in dialogue with your wife and with God. It needs to be authentically you out of your deep heart and caring. But a you that perhaps you've long stifled or squelched or ignored or some such in favor of more conventional priorities--things you sold your birthright for pourridge for, so to speak. So ask God to help you tap into some of that deep relational birthright stuff and reclaim it, express it, manifest it.
Some things would be better acted out the first time with her--no practice. Some things might be better practiced first.
For example, if you really can't wear a white shirt out in public with a blackberry stain on the collar or front pocket without self-consciously glancing at it or fingering it constantly--then practice away from your daughter until you can.
LEARN to be at ease; to be authentically focused on the other person REGARDLESS OF THE CIRCUMSTANCES, DRESS, OTHER PIDDLY PRIORITIES OTHER PEOPLE MIGHT THINK THE CAT'S MEOW OR SUPER CRUCIAL.
Am NOT advocating this, but AS AN ILLUSTRATION get to the place in your heart--ASK GOD to help you--to change you within--to get to the place in your heart--that if you were down town at the sidewalk cafe on the busiest street corner and somehow a miraculous wind came along and stripped 100% of your clothes off while you were having coffee with your daughter--that your daughter would be shocked to notice that you were sooooooooooooo focused on hearing her heart, it was as though nothing had happened to your clothes. Wish I could articluate it better but I think you get the drift.
It might even be worthwhile for you AND your wife to go back over your daughter's life and to come up with 1-4 incidents per year that you recall warmly; that touched you; that impressed you; that humored you etc. which caused warm feelings within you toward your daughter. Write a line or paragraph about each one from the depths of your heart including FEELING WORDS and very vivid descriptions. Perhaps draw a picture of what that meant to you either literally or symbolically. Make a scrapbook together with your wife and give to her.
I should probably hush. But the above may give you some ideas. Feel free to ask me questions. Will give this to you freepmail with my email addy and phone.
GOD'S BEST TO EACH OF YOU.
REMEMBER, TRASH WHATEVER IDEA ISN'T FUNCTIONAL, FITTING, WORTH IT SOMEHOW. Ask God to show you what's worth it. Then be willing to pay any fitting cost.
LUB, LUB, LUB.
We come before Thee, our Father of Mercies, Lifting this Precious daughter to our God of Compassion and Love. We Ask that Your Own Knowledge and Wisdom would be Granted to John and his wife as they Deal with this Situation, and that Your Hand would Choose the Professionals to whom they should Go for Treatment. Grant to all who Care for her the Discernment of our Great Physician Himself, that a Successful Treatment will be Selected for this Dear child.
O God of All Comfort, we Implore that Your Peace will Envelope this family, and that Your Spirit of Grace will Strengthen them, to Your Highest Thanksgiving and Praise. Empower them throughout this Stressful Time, our Holy Lord, with Your Heavenly Might, and with the Endurance and Patience of our Blessed King of kings.
Pour out Your Grace upon them, Sovereign Master, Your Hand of Fatherly Love Steadying them, and Holding them up. We Ask for Complete Healing for this Sweet daughter, O God, that we may Glorify Thee, O Savior, our Mighty and Gracious Deliverer. We Pray in Thy Holy Name, and for the Glory of our King, amen.
I join with these in prayer for your daughter!
Carolyn
Prayers for all of you. It is indeed beatable, but it has to be taken seriously and addressed. I know a recovered anorexic and one that is now in treatment.
My daughter was a college freshman this year also. She stopped menstruation, had some trouble sleeping and I know she was very stressed about her new situation. I know she expected very high grades for herself and she was lonely. There were times I was very concerned for her mental health but thankfully, she made it through one semester.
If my daughter was having the more extreme trouble your daughter seems to have, I would keep her home and maybe even lay out of school for a while. It is hard to be away from home, the family and into a new environment where you have all the responsibility for success or failure. Loneliness and depression, unrealistic expectations all make it tough for some people. It was a little hard for me to understand because I was so ready to be on my own, even though I did miss my home when I went to college.
Love her, pray with her, support her and as someone else said, don't rule out drugs just in case. You have my prayers and as much empathy as I can give. Anorexia is a killer. God is the great Physician.
My daughter researched the effects of eating disorders on nutrition in a body. She found websites that PROMOTE eating disorders like bulimia, anorexia. Disturbing, so watch that too.
I THINK YOUR BEST SENSE ON THIS ISSUE IS QUITE RIGHT. I'd be alert but I think your assessment is right. Especially outlining all the input from the diversity of those close to her that you're getting.
Thank you for your heartfelt advice.
The doctor-plan is rolling...first (GP) appointment Monday, second (Specialist) already booked on Thursday. Considering the time of year, and that we only sprang into action Friday...this is something of a Christmas miracle.
Prayer-thanks.
And to ALL of you, who have offered prayers and advice. If I respond individually to every kind wish, I will double the length of this thread, unnecessarily. So please understand: To all, Thank You.
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