Posted on 08/20/2004 4:39:09 AM PDT by Tom D.
Sam Kinison: The Original South Park Republican
Sam Kinison has always been my favorite stand-up comedian. While he was vulgar, grossly obscene, shockingly cruel, sometimes blasphemous, & outrageously offensive, he was also wickedly funny and delighted in skewering politically correct targets that few other people had the guts to take on.
While Kinison is certainly no role model and would surely offend -- well, just about everybody on both sides of the political spectrum -- I wanted to share a little bit of his humor with you because I find Kinison funny for many of the same reasons that I enjoy South Park (Of course, South Park is still running and Kinison died back in 1992, so a lot of you probably aren't all that familiar with his work).
So here are some snippets from some of Kinison's bits that you may find funny, provocative, outrageous, and even offensive. But, I'm going to post them and let you make up your own mind. There's certainly nothing here worse than you'll see on the average episode of South Park...
Sam Kinison on world hunger...
You want to help these people? Stop sending them food. Don't send these people another bite, folks. You want to send them something, you want to help these people? Send them U-Hauls, send them luggage, send them someone like me, I'll walk out there..send a guy who'll go,
'Hey, we just drove 700 miles with your food and it occurred to us that there wouldn't be world hunger, if you people would LIVE WHERE THE FOOD IS! YOU LIVE IN A F*CKING DESERT! YOU LIVE IN A F*CKING DESERT! NOTHING GROWS OUT HERE! NOTHING'S GONNA GROW HERE! YOU SEE THIS? HUH? THIS IS SAND. YEAH. DID YOU KNOW NOTHING CAN GROW IN THIS SH*T? HERE, EAT SOME OF IT, TASTE IT. KNOW WHAT IT'S GONNA BE A HUNDRED YEARS FROM NOW? IT'S GONNA BE SAND! YOU LIVE IN A F*CKING DESERT! GET YOUR KIDS, GET YOUR SH*T, WE'LL MAKE ONE TRIP, WE'LL TAKE YOU TO WHERE THE FOOD IS! WE HAVE DESERTS IN AMERICA -- WE JUST DON'T LIVE IN THEM, @SSHOLES!"
Sam Kinison on bombing Libya...
Ever since we bombed Libya ya know, I'm just in that f*cking tear everything up mood. Blast 'em. That was just too cool man, American bombers going in going "Where's the baby's room?" *** BOOM *** "Where do you keep the little girl"? (Explosion sound).
We did out job, we only f*cked up one place, we "accidentally" dropped a bomb on the French embassy. (Crowd "AWWWWWWW"). Sorry about that, I'm sure would have been a little better if we had more f*cking sleep. Thanks for those extra 6500 air miles you f*ckheads, build a new house!
We're not f*cking around anymore, it's time to be the tough guy. This is America Godd@mnit, Reagan's President and Clint Eastwood has his own police force.
Sam Kinison on homelessness...
You give 'em the test. You sit 'em down and you go "Eh, you got any job skills, any career training? Any type of talent for anything that'll help you get a job?"
"No"
"Do you have any loved ones, do you have any friends, someone who'll love you enough to take you in, help you get back on your feet, help you fight back?"
"No"
"Is there anything left inside of you as a man that wants to get on his two feet and do something to change his world?"
"No"
*** BOOM *** I swear to God, the guy behind him is going to go,
"Woah, woah, woah, My God, you're shooting the homeless!....Ok, I'm homeless, I don't have a job. I may have set my career goals a little too high. All right, all right. I was holding out for an executive position. That doesn't look like it's going to happen. Give me a couple of hours, I'll get a paper route, I'll get something. I'll get a job where I take the carts back to the grocery store, don't shoot me!"
The homeless will disapear, that'll be one less problem for America.
Saw Ron on Blue Collar TV a few weeks ago and he had just gotten married again. He's workin that already, but if I were his wife all I could do was laugh.
"Give us our pot back, and we'll stop smoking crack". - Sam Kinison.
"All these TV preachers say Jesus has been talking to them. Well I read the Bible. Says there that Jesus hasn't said anything to anybody for 2000 years! And the last thing he said to anybody was 'ahhh! Get these nails outta my hands!!'"
LOL funny!
"If you kill someone in Texas, we will kill you back." :)
Yup, just BOOM, right out of the box. His whole set was like that. Did the "feeding the hungry" that Tom D.'s post mentioned as well. I was hooked.
I saw Ron and Larry the Cable Guy together in Clearwater last February. Just about had to be carried out. I was hurting from laughing so hard.
If you want to talk about un-PC comedians, Larry is your guy. His first line was "I'm happy to be here. I'm happier than Jim Nabors with a wheelbarrow full of buttholes."
I liked his line about his wife not being much of a cook. He said that he gave his dog some of the food, and a little later, the dog was licking his butt. His wife asked what the dog was doing, and he said, "probably trying to get the taste out of his mouth".
My favorite Sam K bit was the "Robo Pope":
Voice over voice talking really fast: " He's Robo-Pope. He loves God, he hates crime, HE'S COMING TO YOUR TOWN."
Robot voice: "You are in violation of John 3:16"
Funny stuff.
"Hickory Dickory Dock..."
Funny! His bit in Rodney Dangerfield's 'Back to School' as the former soldier, now history professor, explaining our involvment in SE Asia, is hysterical.
That was great. I love it when the 4 of them get together and just go off.
As Larry would say "I don't care who you are, that's funny!"
He was going to be the tour guide in Hell, remember?
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It was in the way he said "sand."
"You want poems? I got F&%#@ing poems!"
Click here to feel the love.
No no, it's "You want 'pomes', I got some f'in 'pomes'"
I was crying. CRYING, I tell ya. When he did that Larchmont Lockjaw, IV voice and the lip-quivering, feigned smile, I nearly peed myself laughing.
No, I was drunk in a BAR. They THREW ME into pub-LICK.
I miss SAM , He is one of my favorite comedians.
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