American food sucks

The Spectator (U.K.) ^ | 08/21/04 | Ella Windsor

[Pokey78]

Ella Windsor says that if you don’t like pigging out, you won’t much enjoy eating in the US, where The Cheesecake Factory serves portions big enough to kill an ox

My American friends in England never stop complaining about the food here. It’s all ‘gloopy’, they say, and they bitch about the warm beer, grey curries and unidentifiable soups. Sometimes their longing for US comfort food — beefburgers, hotdogs, cookies, tacos and dairy queen ice cream — becomes so strong that some of them even resort to a company called the Food Ferry, a British Internet site that delivers Skippy Peanut Butter, beef jerky and Oreo cookies.

My solution is a little different. I tell them that American food is overrated, unhealthy and revolting, and the sooner they wean themselves off it, the better they will feel.

American food seems pretty impressive at first sight, but during a four-year stint in the US I realised that it is basically a con trick: bigger isn’t necessarily better; brighter colours don’t mean more intense flavours; sugar tastes good, but leaves you feeling depressed, sick and still hungry.

British cuisine may be considered bland but at least, by and large, you know what you’re putting in your mouth. One of America’s bestselling snacks is a cheese dip designed to be scooped up with nacho chips. It’s runny, it’s orange, it tastes like cheese, but a label on the jar says that it’s a ‘non-dairy product’. Then there are Twinkies — small yellow sponge cakes found in the lunchboxes of most US children. Twinkies are made of such mysterious stuff that they don’t have a best-before date and are subjected to scientific tests. ‘A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for four days,’ says one Internet report, ‘during which time many flies were observed crawling across the Twinkie’s surface but, contrary to our hypothesis, birds — even pigeons — avoided this potential source of sustenance.’

Even the food that’s made of food is a challenge. A pastrami sandwich comes with a good six inches of meat in the middle — how do you get your mouth around something that’s nearly as big as your head? After a few attempts, any appetite you might once have had is gone. Have you ever tried an American apple? They look perfect — enormous, red and shiny — but have the consistency of cotton wool. It’s the same with the meat: huge, juicy-looking steaks, and chops, perfectly grilled, pink inside, but tasting of wet paper.

The Cheesecake Factory is one of the most popular family food chains in the US — and for me the most grotesque example of American food. A single slice of cheesecake is as big as a brick and would more than suffice for a meal. An entire cheesecake could quite easily put a small child into hyperglycaemic shock. It must put a strain on family life, having to watch your nearest and dearest eating this gunk. The cheesecake is just one of the ‘factory’ specials whose metal menu lists hundreds of other dishes, like the Tons of Fun burger: ‘Yes, It’s True! Double Patties, Double Cheese, Triple Sesame-Seed Bun with Lettuce, Tomato, Red Onion, Pickles and Secret Sauce. Served with Fries’ and the Mile-High Meatloaf Sandwich ‘Topped with Mashed Potatoes, Crispy Onions and Barbeque Au Jus. Served Open-Faced on Extra Thick Egg Bread.’

The labelling of dishes in American restaurants provides an interesting challenge to both menu-writer and reader. Ordering from the food encyclopaedias of restaurants like The Cheesecake Factory is rather like resitting one’s SAT tests. There is a full page dedicated to every beast, bread and starch as well as every national cuisine; also ‘fusion’ dishes. Whatever I chose, I was always left worrying whether I’d made the wrong decision. And despite the bewildering variety of foodstuffs on offer, any attempt to veer from the menu is greeted with blank incomprehension:

‘Just the turkey, please.’

‘The dish comes that way.’

‘But I only want the turkey, thanks.’

‘I’m sorry, miss, that’s not possible.’

‘But I know you’ve got grilled turkey — it says so right here.’

‘That’s our Grilled Turkey Sandwich, miss. Our Grilled Turkey’s on our dinner menu.’

‘But surely you can just remove the bread?’

‘No — I’m sorry. Like I told you before, the Grilled Turkey Sandwich comes with the bread.’

‘You make it sound like it’s born with the bread.’

So you decide to eat in, but this involves a trip to the supermarket and hours spent trying to spot the microscopic differences between thousands of identical brands. Whereas in England we would have an aisle of grains and jams and cereals, Americans will dedicate an area the size of a tennis court just to varieties of bread: loafs of every shape and shade, bagels and buns, waffle mix. Often, in desperation, I’d just go for the most adventurous option. ‘Coconut-sprinkled sweet potatoes’ made one appearance in my flat, but only one.

Half the problem, I think, is that food isn’t just food in the States — it’s an obsession. Not only does Adam’s Peanut Butter Cup Fudge Ripple Cheesecake exist, it can be gawped at online. The Krispy Kreme website features a five-minute video with a jaunty electronic soundtrack showing rows of little doughnuts browning slowly on a conveyor belt, before being lovingly glazed, bought and eaten. Food even provides whole states with a sense of history and identity — Midwestern towns fight over titles like ‘home of the peanut’, ‘birthplace of the corndog’, ‘Krispy Kreme Kountry’.

And with the excesses of American food comes a national fixation on dieting: as Eric Schlosser reports, McDonald’s has attempted to cash in on this with a McLean burger for dieters. We may not go to the gym so often in Britain, but our food doesn’t demand that we do. I flew back from America looking forward to shepherd’s pie and pints of beer only to be confronted by an upsurge in American fast food in London — not enough to keep my US friends happy, but still worrying. Perhaps we and the Americans should pay more attention to global gastronomy. We could form a food think tank to wean the US off sugar and on to snails, squid and sushi. It would make us all healthier — and happier.

[pamlet]

I'm wondering if it was at HEB central market... If I remember I'll swing by there when I'm in town this weekend.

I found a couple places online - but they were outrageous.. either in price or shipping.. :(

[ATOMIC_PUNK]

London, January 2, 2005 NRIpress

Ella Gabriella, 23, daughter of Prince and Princess Michael of Kent, plans to marry her Indian boyfriend Aatish Taseer, a Time magazine trainee journalist

Ella, the 30th in line to the throne, was studying Spanish and English literature at Brown University, Rhode Island, in America when she met 24-year-old Aatish, a Mumbai-born Sikh, who occasionally dress up as Captain Condom to promote the importance of safe sex.

"Prince and Princess Michael of Kent will announce that their elegant 23-year-old daughter is to marry Aatish early this year," The Sunday Telegraph reported today. The couple are likely to live in India.

"I will be heading back to India to pursue my career," says Aatish who is working as a trainee reporter for 'Time' magazine.

The opportunities in media out there are excellent and I'm determined to give it a go. I've lived here in London and in New York, but Delhi is where I am from and where I want to be," he told the newspaper.

His wedding to Lady Gabriella, also an aspiring journalist, will certainly help to put to rest accusations of racism that have dogged her mother since she allegedly told a table of black diners in a Manhattan restaurant to "go back to the colonies" after they ignored her request to quieten down. Princess Michael subsequently dismissed them as a "group of rappers" who had simply misheard her.

Aatish Taseer is a product of an extraordinary love match. His mother, Tavleen Singh, is a Sikh and a respected political journalist in Dehli. His father, Salman Taseer, is a Muslim and a newspaper mogul in Pakistan. Likewise, Lady Gabriella’s mother Princess Michael of Kent, a Roman Catholic, had a complicated romance when she met her husband.

At the time a friend of Gabriella’s said she and Aatish were well suited: “Ella (Gabriella) loves anyone with a sharp mind. By all accounts Aatish is very intelligent… She is really happy and keeps saying she thinks she has met the one.”

The Prince and Princess Michael reportedly travelled to Mumbai to meet Aatish and his mother Tavleen Singh, who is a well-known columnist in India.

Prince Michael’s uncle, the late Earl Mountbatten of Burma, introduced the pair and convinced the Queen that Princess Michael’s distinguished lineage outweighed the vexed question of her Catholicism. However, when they married in 1978, the prince had to relinquish his rights to the throne.

The Kents, who are now both Catholics, are said to be relaxed and happy about their daughter’s relationship with Taseer, who US newspapers have reported as being a Sikh.

Aware of her own experience and that of her daughter, Princess Michael has been quick to assert that it “wouldn’t be a problem legally” if Prince William were to take a “lovely Muslim girl” as his girlfriend.

[ladyinred]

ROTFL! I loved this! While the Cheesecake Factory is one of my favorite places in the world, as is Krispy Kremes, and I can't live without my Skippy, I realize that American's say the very same sort of thing about British food. It is all about what you are used to. What a hoot this post is!

[2Jedismom]

There was a big HEB central market in Austin that I just loved!

I found a tea place here in Tulsa on the trendy "Cherry Street" strip that has it. It'll be expensive, everything is on Cherry Street...but it's worth it! I make it last...it's not an "every day" tea for me, unfortunately.

I used to get it at a little British grocery in Broken Arrow, Oklahoma...no kidding! The lady that owned the store was British and it was like walking into another country!

[MarkL]

The Cheesecake Factory is one of the most popular family food chains in the US — and for me the most grotesque example of American food. A single slice of cheesecake is as big as a brick and would more than suffice for a meal. An entire cheesecake could quite easily put a small child into hyperglycaemic shock. It must put a strain on family life, having to watch your nearest and dearest eating this gunk. The cheesecake is just one of the ‘factory’ specials whose metal menu lists hundreds of other dishes, like the Tons of Fun burger: ‘Yes, It’s True! Double Patties, Double Cheese, Triple Sesame-Seed Bun with Lettuce, Tomato, Red Onion, Pickles and Secret Sauce. Served with Fries’ and the Mile-High Meatloaf Sandwich ‘Topped with Mashed Potatoes, Crispy Onions and Barbeque Au Jus. Served Open-Faced on Extra Thick Egg Bread.’

The best thing about the Cheesecake Factory, is that you can get whatever you want, and there's enough to share. I don't think that I've ever seen just one person eating at the Cheesecake Factory. Usually it's one or two couples, and they invariably wind up sharing what they get. Oh, and by the way, you can eat very healthy food there as well. Their herb encrusted salmon filet is terrific, and if you're watching the carbs, just sub the brocolli for the garlic mashed potatos. I would guess that I ate there 2 or 3 times while I was on the Atkins diet, and I didn't slip off once, and every time, I was fully satisfied with my dinners.

What a loser this twit is!

Mark

[SunnySide]

"My solution is a little different. I tell them that American food is overrated, unhealthy and revolting, and the sooner they wean themselves off it, the better they will feel."
...

Still doesn't explain Brits narly dental problems. (LOL)

[MarkL]

Whatever I chose, I was always left worrying whether I’d made the wrong decision. And despite the bewildering variety of foodstuffs on offer, any attempt to veer from the menu is greeted with blank incomprehension:

Oh, yeah... And I don't know what alternate universe restaurant this twit went to, but it wasn't any of the 4 Cheesecake Factory restaurants I've been to. The wait staff has always been most helpful in making alternate suggestions (when I mentioned that I was on a diet), and they never had any sort of issues with substitutions, or even leaving things off. In fact, I had dinner with a friend who's a vegitarian, and they didn't really have anything on the menu she wanted, so the waitress ran back, brought out the chef, and he made some suggestions of what he had available, and he made her something that simply wasn't on the menu.

I'm highly skeptical of this twit's article, if for no other reaon, that if you're a worker in a decent restaurant, you KNOW that your income depends on the patrons leaving happy, so you're going to do what ever it takes to make them happy.

Mark

[bannie]

Maybe his/her tastebuds died before he/she tasted USA food. I was lucky enough to spend some fun time in England. The food sucked...wherever we went.

Now, GERMAN food.....that whops American food!

[MarkL]

I flew back from America looking forward to shepherd’s pie and pints of beer only to be confronted by an upsurge in American fast food in London — not enough to keep my US friends happy, but still worrying.

And Cheesecake Factory makes a pretty good Shepards Pie too!

Mark

[MarkL]

Sometimes their longing for US comfort food — beefburgers, hotdogs, cookies, tacos and dairy queen ice cream — becomes so strong that some of them even resort to a company called the Food Ferry, a British Internet site that delivers Skippy Peanut Butter, beef jerky and Oreo cookies.

That's NOT comfort food! Those are "treats!" When I lived in New York, I'd send back to Kansas City for things like Moon Pies or Art's Hot Potato Chips! But those were for special occassions.

But comfort food! No Way! Comfort food is stuff like Stroud's Fried Chicken or Pork Chops, with mashed potatos and gravy!

ALERT!!! The original Strouds in Kansas City will be closing soon, because they want to rebuild the bridge it's under! If they had any sense, they'd just divert the traffic! After all, the only thing worth going to in that neighborhood is Strouds! It's been there since 1933!

Or Bar-B-Que: So many different types that it's hard to decide on "the best". And when I'm in KC, I miss the New York Jewish and Italian delis! Or Nathan's Famous franks and fries. That's comfort food!

[CommandoFrank]

At least we know what tooth paste and a dentist are for...

[Citizen of the Savage Nation]

However, I have to agree with the silliness of trying to get something omitted from an order. I've given up on ever trying to get something taken off an order from certain restaurants and fast food joints. Ask to have something removed and they honestly believe it's impossible to do.

Sour cream at Mexican restaurants comes to mind. It really is alot harder than it has to be, don't these restaraunt managers realize that not everybody likes every little thing put on their meals?

[MarkL]

That isn't cheese. The industry calls it "cheese analogs", and there isn't a spec of cheese in it. Can't you taste the difference?

True, but then there's Velveta, which has some semblance to cheese (a processed cheese food product), which I believe means that it was once stored next to cheese at one point!

But seriesly, you can make some great stuff with velveta, which just doesn't work properly with "real" cheese (though you can toss some fine, shredded chedder and jack in for additional flavor).

You make a fine dip for chips or nachos using the above, along with a can of Rotel (diced tomatoes and chillis), some diced jalapenos, and spicy sausage! YUM!!!!

Mark

[MarkL]

(uh oh. From British food to British electrical systems . . . not a good segue . . . )

Everybody sing along!

Why do the Brits drink warm beer?

Because Lucas makes the refrigerators!

Mark

[fortunecookie]

Oh, I could barf. I hate pea soup, so to put mushy peas over fries... aaaaaarrghh

[MarkL]

Pretty funny, like the lady who wrote this article, who complained she only wanted grilled chicken, without the bread. She complained about them bringing her the bread anyway, as if that meant she was now forced to eat the bread as well. lol......

Well, there are times where it's not quite like that. My family knows a man who's alergic to gluten, and when he goes out to eat, he has to be very careful about what he orders, and in a situation like this, he wouldn't be able to eat the chicken.

Mark

[fortunecookie]

I saw a British chef on TV make spotted dick, right there on daytime tv. It did look good. And they drenched it with a creme anglais, a creamy sauce. You can't make this stuff up!

;-)

[Texas Eagle]

So. Are you going to eat those fries?

[MarkL]

Bacon should be hickory smoked, encrusted with black pepper, have ribbons of fat in it and be about the thickness of a CD case. You know it's really good bacon if after frying about a pound of it, you have enough grease left over to lube an SUV's suspension.

There was a place here in the KC area (long out of business) that had a sandwich called "Heart Attack on a Plate."

It was a BLT (Bacon, Lettuce, and Tomato) sandwich, and they used a one pound package of bacon (pre-cooked weight) on that sandwich!

Mark

[MarkL]

I happen to like the Olive Garden. Is it my favorite Italian restaurant? No, not by a long shot - KC's got a few really good ones, like Cascone's up north of the river, and my very favorite, Garozzos (and Salvatore's, run by Sam Garozzo).

But I do like Olive Garden, and I happen to love their soup and salad lunch. They make a pretty darn good Pasta Fagolli!

Mark