Posted on 08/19/2004 7:01:22 AM PDT by Pokey78
My American friends in England never stop complaining about the food here. It’s all ‘gloopy’, they say, and they bitch about the warm beer, grey curries and unidentifiable soups. Sometimes their longing for US comfort food — beefburgers, hotdogs, cookies, tacos and dairy queen ice cream — becomes so strong that some of them even resort to a company called the Food Ferry, a British Internet site that delivers Skippy Peanut Butter, beef jerky and Oreo cookies.
My solution is a little different. I tell them that American food is overrated, unhealthy and revolting, and the sooner they wean themselves off it, the better they will feel.
American food seems pretty impressive at first sight, but during a four-year stint in the US I realised that it is basically a con trick: bigger isn’t necessarily better; brighter colours don’t mean more intense flavours; sugar tastes good, but leaves you feeling depressed, sick and still hungry.
British cuisine may be considered bland but at least, by and large, you know what you’re putting in your mouth. One of America’s bestselling snacks is a cheese dip designed to be scooped up with nacho chips. It’s runny, it’s orange, it tastes like cheese, but a label on the jar says that it’s a ‘non-dairy product’. Then there are Twinkies — small yellow sponge cakes found in the lunchboxes of most US children. Twinkies are made of such mysterious stuff that they don’t have a best-before date and are subjected to scientific tests. ‘A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for four days,’ says one Internet report, ‘during which time many flies were observed crawling across the Twinkie’s surface but, contrary to our hypothesis, birds — even pigeons — avoided this potential source of sustenance.’
Even the food that’s made of food is a challenge. A pastrami sandwich comes with a good six inches of meat in the middle — how do you get your mouth around something that’s nearly as big as your head? After a few attempts, any appetite you might once have had is gone. Have you ever tried an American apple? They look perfect — enormous, red and shiny — but have the consistency of cotton wool. It’s the same with the meat: huge, juicy-looking steaks, and chops, perfectly grilled, pink inside, but tasting of wet paper.
The Cheesecake Factory is one of the most popular family food chains in the US — and for me the most grotesque example of American food. A single slice of cheesecake is as big as a brick and would more than suffice for a meal. An entire cheesecake could quite easily put a small child into hyperglycaemic shock. It must put a strain on family life, having to watch your nearest and dearest eating this gunk. The cheesecake is just one of the ‘factory’ specials whose metal menu lists hundreds of other dishes, like the Tons of Fun burger: ‘Yes, It’s True! Double Patties, Double Cheese, Triple Sesame-Seed Bun with Lettuce, Tomato, Red Onion, Pickles and Secret Sauce. Served with Fries’ and the Mile-High Meatloaf Sandwich ‘Topped with Mashed Potatoes, Crispy Onions and Barbeque Au Jus. Served Open-Faced on Extra Thick Egg Bread.’
The labelling of dishes in American restaurants provides an interesting challenge to both menu-writer and reader. Ordering from the food encyclopaedias of restaurants like The Cheesecake Factory is rather like resitting one’s SAT tests. There is a full page dedicated to every beast, bread and starch as well as every national cuisine; also ‘fusion’ dishes. Whatever I chose, I was always left worrying whether I’d made the wrong decision. And despite the bewildering variety of foodstuffs on offer, any attempt to veer from the menu is greeted with blank incomprehension:
‘Just the turkey, please.’
‘The dish comes that way.’
‘But I only want the turkey, thanks.’
‘I’m sorry, miss, that’s not possible.’
‘But I know you’ve got grilled turkey — it says so right here.’
‘That’s our Grilled Turkey Sandwich, miss. Our Grilled Turkey’s on our dinner menu.’
‘But surely you can just remove the bread?’
‘No — I’m sorry. Like I told you before, the Grilled Turkey Sandwich comes with the bread.’
‘You make it sound like it’s born with the bread.’
So you decide to eat in, but this involves a trip to the supermarket and hours spent trying to spot the microscopic differences between thousands of identical brands. Whereas in England we would have an aisle of grains and jams and cereals, Americans will dedicate an area the size of a tennis court just to varieties of bread: loafs of every shape and shade, bagels and buns, waffle mix. Often, in desperation, I’d just go for the most adventurous option. ‘Coconut-sprinkled sweet potatoes’ made one appearance in my flat, but only one.
Half the problem, I think, is that food isn’t just food in the States — it’s an obsession. Not only does Adam’s Peanut Butter Cup Fudge Ripple Cheesecake exist, it can be gawped at online. The Krispy Kreme website features a five-minute video with a jaunty electronic soundtrack showing rows of little doughnuts browning slowly on a conveyor belt, before being lovingly glazed, bought and eaten. Food even provides whole states with a sense of history and identity — Midwestern towns fight over titles like ‘home of the peanut’, ‘birthplace of the corndog’, ‘Krispy Kreme Kountry’.
And with the excesses of American food comes a national fixation on dieting: as Eric Schlosser reports, McDonald’s has attempted to cash in on this with a McLean burger for dieters. We may not go to the gym so often in Britain, but our food doesn’t demand that we do. I flew back from America looking forward to shepherd’s pie and pints of beer only to be confronted by an upsurge in American fast food in London — not enough to keep my US friends happy, but still worrying. Perhaps we and the Americans should pay more attention to global gastronomy. We could form a food think tank to wean the US off sugar and on to snails, squid and sushi. It would make us all healthier — and happier.
Ivan,
Are there still Wimpy's hamburger restaurants in London? Haven't been there for some time, but I recall eating something on a bun which was strangely unlike beef.
And maybe a little peach cobbler afterwards.
If you're stupid enough to visit The Cheesecake Factory, you deserve what you get, IMHO. I suppose that goes for any restaurant with "factory" in the name.
I had no idea it was brewed in the UK and Europe. Of course if there's a market there it makes sense.
The only real "food deprivation" I suffered during a month in the UK was for the kind of coffee I enjoy at home. I adapted well to delicious English tea as a substitute but occasionally I got a hankering for real American coffee -- not the Starbucks variety but the sort I make at home from freshly-ground beans and filtered water.
There's plenty of "ethnic" fare available. Lunch at the Red Fort in London was unforgettable even if we didn't know quite how to eat all the appetizing sauces and other goodies presented. We loved the traditional English meat pies, pastries, cheeses and puddings that were generally available. Even the food at the British Museum cafeteria was very good.
There are many valid points here. A lot of American food sucks. A lot is great. That's one result combining capitalism with consumer ignorance. Also, she probably spent way too much time in MacDonald's and Burger King.
"Poor British twit, if it wasn't for us she'd be brunching on wurst and viener schnitzel. (Both of which taste a lot better than British food)"
So bring up WW2?! It sounds like you're being just a little overly sensitive about this.
Lol, no you can't tell polite company about spotted dick. It is quite funny. Most Americans haven't heard of the stuff.
bump
As I recall "The two fat ladies" on the Food Channel made some ass kicking cuisine.
I have not had decent food in 10 years, since I moved out of Yonkers.
I see, thanks. Budweiser was almost unknown here in France, but in the last few years has managed to get contracts from many pubs. Some friends of mine opened a pub recently and offer Budweiser or Budweiser with a swig of Maple syrup. Both are OK with me.
A Food Channel ? Ouch, that must be torture to watch these cooks preparing delicious-looking dishes...
Actually I love the Barefoot Contessa she is very good. Her cookbook is nice and the food is delish!
The thing about American food is that it is so diverse.
Each section of the country has something different. Maine has lobsters, California has it's own style of cooking, Texas (my personal fav) has Tex-Mex and bar-b-que, the south has biscuits and gravy, and on and on. I've only mentioned a few.
I've never been to England, so I really don't know much about it. However, I don't think there is much variety. In the states, there is.
Red
The British are to food what the French are to courage.
The cooks in these shows always are funny characters, we do have one here, named "Maité", who is the perfect incarnation of the Mediterranean broad chick with an even larger laughter and a Southern accent you could chop meat on.
This article is utter and complete nonsense.. It's difficult to find a mainstream restaurant these days that doesn't have some healthier options. I've never encountered a problem when requesting no dressing or no cheese..etc... The thing that concerns me here is the food bashing has crossed over into the 'conservative' sector.. if you don't like something don't eat it, but don't shove your viewpoint down my throat.. Eating "badly" occasionally is not a sin, the Bible says everything in moderation, and that's the God I follow, not Dr. freakin Atkins.
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