Posted on 08/19/2004 7:01:22 AM PDT by Pokey78
My American friends in England never stop complaining about the food here. It’s all ‘gloopy’, they say, and they bitch about the warm beer, grey curries and unidentifiable soups. Sometimes their longing for US comfort food — beefburgers, hotdogs, cookies, tacos and dairy queen ice cream — becomes so strong that some of them even resort to a company called the Food Ferry, a British Internet site that delivers Skippy Peanut Butter, beef jerky and Oreo cookies.
My solution is a little different. I tell them that American food is overrated, unhealthy and revolting, and the sooner they wean themselves off it, the better they will feel.
American food seems pretty impressive at first sight, but during a four-year stint in the US I realised that it is basically a con trick: bigger isn’t necessarily better; brighter colours don’t mean more intense flavours; sugar tastes good, but leaves you feeling depressed, sick and still hungry.
British cuisine may be considered bland but at least, by and large, you know what you’re putting in your mouth. One of America’s bestselling snacks is a cheese dip designed to be scooped up with nacho chips. It’s runny, it’s orange, it tastes like cheese, but a label on the jar says that it’s a ‘non-dairy product’. Then there are Twinkies — small yellow sponge cakes found in the lunchboxes of most US children. Twinkies are made of such mysterious stuff that they don’t have a best-before date and are subjected to scientific tests. ‘A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for four days,’ says one Internet report, ‘during which time many flies were observed crawling across the Twinkie’s surface but, contrary to our hypothesis, birds — even pigeons — avoided this potential source of sustenance.’
Even the food that’s made of food is a challenge. A pastrami sandwich comes with a good six inches of meat in the middle — how do you get your mouth around something that’s nearly as big as your head? After a few attempts, any appetite you might once have had is gone. Have you ever tried an American apple? They look perfect — enormous, red and shiny — but have the consistency of cotton wool. It’s the same with the meat: huge, juicy-looking steaks, and chops, perfectly grilled, pink inside, but tasting of wet paper.
The Cheesecake Factory is one of the most popular family food chains in the US — and for me the most grotesque example of American food. A single slice of cheesecake is as big as a brick and would more than suffice for a meal. An entire cheesecake could quite easily put a small child into hyperglycaemic shock. It must put a strain on family life, having to watch your nearest and dearest eating this gunk. The cheesecake is just one of the ‘factory’ specials whose metal menu lists hundreds of other dishes, like the Tons of Fun burger: ‘Yes, It’s True! Double Patties, Double Cheese, Triple Sesame-Seed Bun with Lettuce, Tomato, Red Onion, Pickles and Secret Sauce. Served with Fries’ and the Mile-High Meatloaf Sandwich ‘Topped with Mashed Potatoes, Crispy Onions and Barbeque Au Jus. Served Open-Faced on Extra Thick Egg Bread.’
The labelling of dishes in American restaurants provides an interesting challenge to both menu-writer and reader. Ordering from the food encyclopaedias of restaurants like The Cheesecake Factory is rather like resitting one’s SAT tests. There is a full page dedicated to every beast, bread and starch as well as every national cuisine; also ‘fusion’ dishes. Whatever I chose, I was always left worrying whether I’d made the wrong decision. And despite the bewildering variety of foodstuffs on offer, any attempt to veer from the menu is greeted with blank incomprehension:
‘Just the turkey, please.’
‘The dish comes that way.’
‘But I only want the turkey, thanks.’
‘I’m sorry, miss, that’s not possible.’
‘But I know you’ve got grilled turkey — it says so right here.’
‘That’s our Grilled Turkey Sandwich, miss. Our Grilled Turkey’s on our dinner menu.’
‘But surely you can just remove the bread?’
‘No — I’m sorry. Like I told you before, the Grilled Turkey Sandwich comes with the bread.’
‘You make it sound like it’s born with the bread.’
So you decide to eat in, but this involves a trip to the supermarket and hours spent trying to spot the microscopic differences between thousands of identical brands. Whereas in England we would have an aisle of grains and jams and cereals, Americans will dedicate an area the size of a tennis court just to varieties of bread: loafs of every shape and shade, bagels and buns, waffle mix. Often, in desperation, I’d just go for the most adventurous option. ‘Coconut-sprinkled sweet potatoes’ made one appearance in my flat, but only one.
Half the problem, I think, is that food isn’t just food in the States — it’s an obsession. Not only does Adam’s Peanut Butter Cup Fudge Ripple Cheesecake exist, it can be gawped at online. The Krispy Kreme website features a five-minute video with a jaunty electronic soundtrack showing rows of little doughnuts browning slowly on a conveyor belt, before being lovingly glazed, bought and eaten. Food even provides whole states with a sense of history and identity — Midwestern towns fight over titles like ‘home of the peanut’, ‘birthplace of the corndog’, ‘Krispy Kreme Kountry’.
And with the excesses of American food comes a national fixation on dieting: as Eric Schlosser reports, McDonald’s has attempted to cash in on this with a McLean burger for dieters. We may not go to the gym so often in Britain, but our food doesn’t demand that we do. I flew back from America looking forward to shepherd’s pie and pints of beer only to be confronted by an upsurge in American fast food in London — not enough to keep my US friends happy, but still worrying. Perhaps we and the Americans should pay more attention to global gastronomy. We could form a food think tank to wean the US off sugar and on to snails, squid and sushi. It would make us all healthier — and happier.
I'm sorry Don, I really am, but I can't help it:
Wow, you know what ass juice tastes like?
I wouldn't recommend eating there, myself. My favourite is Rowley's on Jermyn Street.
I never found anything in the UK like the whole Italian-style tenderloin of beef that I make at home - rolled in pepper and rock salt, then roasted very briefly (20 min.) at 550 degrees or as hot as your oven with go without putting it on "clean", then sliced ultra-thin and served hot or cold. Simple and delicious, served with a fresh romaine salad and rice pilaf or polenta, but you have to start with a prime grade, well marbled cut.
You can get all those ingredients, it's just a matter of finding them. I live alone, so I have to cook without poisoning myself and found this to be true. ;)
Regards, Ivan
Not even close.
What you're referring to is that Budweiser is the top-selling "off-trade" beer in Ireland. "Off-trade" means something like "sold to take home."
But something like 80% of beer sales and consumption there is in pubs. and the vast majority (70%+) of that is Guinness.
I knew someone from Chicago would respond!
My wife has had Uno's pizza. She enjoyed it very much, but still favors our "thin crust" pizza, dripping with oil and loaded with cheese and pepperoni.
El Yummo!
I lived in Florida but, as much as they try, they can't get the NY-style pizza down pat. They use the exact same ingredients, but blame the water.
I'll never forget when my dad made kidney pie. He offered some to the dog, who sniffed and refused.
Somebody needs to put this jerk out of his misery.
Does Cheesecake Factory have surveillance to make sure you eat the whole thing? You can't just leave part of your meal on the plate or take it home and get another meal out of the deal?
Too much food for your money.
The horror, the horror.
True, ir probably all depends on what you grow up with.
There is American food and American food. If you want taste, health, and love, eat at home most of the time! Most of the dishes that you concoct will be probably be versions of American food, despite the foreign influences. And eating that way will enable you and your family to chose the best food when you eat out, not sugary, saturated-fat laden glop.
When I am in England, I eat Indian food, as do many knowledgeable travelers. The Brits do make good ale, though!
You have to take everything they say with a grain of salt. heh heh. Now, did you notice he said towns in the Midwest (not the South) were fighting over being home of the peanut?
Having lived in England and having witnessed English people eat, I give this article no worth.
And the problem with that is?
A long time ago, there was this neat new restaurant called TGI Fridays. Their menu looked like a notebook - spiral bound with MANY pages. Their portions, and their prices, were huge. I remember the French Dip sandwich that had to have a pound of sliced roast beef on it. Lines to get in were out the door - waits of an hour for a seat were common. You paid for this bigness, sandwiches cost at least 50% more, but the quality was great and the selection was phenomenal.
Fast forward 20 years or so. Prices are a little high, but portions are WAY down. Their current French Dip might have 8 ounces of meat, maybe. There is NEVER a wait at my local Fridays these days.
My point? American might give lip service to eating "healthy," but large selection and huge portions sell. The Cheesecake Factory has taken over where Fridays has fallen away. I already see pressure being put on the Cheesecake Factory to "Fridays" their selections (shrink 'em and cut back on variety). If they do, some other chain will come along and take the popularity crown. I wonder if this a recognized pattern in the development of a restaurant chain:
1. Original restaurant serves great food, huge portions, wide selection.
2. Restaurant expands. Food quality suffers a bit, but portions remain large. Selection gets cut back a bit due to supply problems and/or local tastes.
3. Restaurant franchises. Food quality drops like a rock. Portions cut way back. Selection is decided on a national basis and is kept "simple" for supply chain reasons.
4. Restaurant chain develops financial problems.
5. Restaurant either reinvents itself or shrinks and returns to it's roots.
The British telling us our food is "gunky" is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce, "You need to develop an edge."
Well, that's comforting to the Southern part of the nation anyway.
We had an exchange student who was equally amazed. He couldn't get over all-you-can-eat buffets, free condiments, free refills on drinks and keeping the glass, plate sized steaks, and doggie bags.
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