I'm Soo Screwed

I never even knew what a Blog was until I read about them in an article in Time Magazine, about two months ago. I read the article and it mentioned how a lot of the soldiers down in Baghdad were writing about their experiences here in Iraq. After reading the article, I went down to the Internet caf‚, and checked them out, and a majority of them were just pure garbage. In fact nauseating. Its like they were written by armed forces recruiters, "Oh I love the Army, I'm soo glad to be here, oh, the Iraqi's love us, I feel like were doing the right thing" That kinda crap. Nobody was telling it like it is. So I said f**k it, I'm going to do one.

I was at the point in my deployment where the letters from friends and family were getting fewer and far between, and I needed something to combat the extra time and loneliness that being on deployment hits you with when you've been here for awhile. So I though doing a blog might be a fun thing to do, help kill some time.

And it worked, time started flying by once I stated this thing. I had no idea how to write or form a sentence (I still don't) but I figured what the hell, just do it. Like I said before, the Clash didn't know how to play their instruments when they started jamming, they just played, and that was the mindset I had when I started this.

At first I was getting about, 50 hits a day, then 100 hits a day, then a thousand hits a day, then three thousand hits a day, then 5 thousand hits a day. That was like a month ago when I had a counter. (Some reason it disappeared one day) Its scary to think how many hits a day I get now.

Since then, I've received e-mails from people in the Pentagon (saying: Everybody here reads it and loves it here!) a White House aide, a Wall Street Journal Journalist, several well known and lesser known journalists, a lady in Chicago asked if it was OK to do a play based on this blog, College Professors, One Professor who wants to bring up my blog in his class curriculum, Vietnam Vets, Gulf War Vets, WWII Vets, Police Officers, Authors, Literary agents, musicians, A girl in LA that wants to write a screenplay about this blog, a lawyer in DC who thinks my writing is a diamond in the ruff and offered for him and several other lawyers to help me pay for some of my College tuition when I get out, relatives from soldiers, soldiers in all the branches, soldiers in Iraq, lonely women, truck drivers, soccer moms, the list goes on and on.

It was insane the e-mails and responses I got over time. I was also amazed by how many good people were out there. Totally heart warming. And every e-mail I received was telling me how they loved my sh*t and how what I was saying was soo much better then the sh*t the media showing. I was making the war much more real to people by sharing my experiences with them. And they were telling everybody they knew about it. One guy even told me he heard some people discuss about this blog in some pub in Europe.

I had no idea it would get as big as it did, and as fast. I also knew that time was probably ticking on how long I could keep this thing up. What would Hunter S. Thomspson do in a situation like this? He'd probably "Buy the ticket, and take the ride." So I did.

I continued blogging and writing. So today I'm walking back from chow, and my Plt Sgt is outside my door waiting for me and he said, The Col. wants to see you, hurry up and go shave, I'll be back in 15 to take you down there.

My heart sank. Sh*t. I know exactly what this one is about. Its like that feeling you get in high school when you'd f**k up, and they'd call your name over the loud speaker and tell you your presence was needed in the principles office, and you know the police are there in the principle's office waiting for you. Not good.

I stepped inside my room, and my roommate was inside and he said, "Sh*t man! The B.C. was just here looking for you!!" F**k. I'm dead. I felt more scared now then I did on the 5th of Nov. The Battalion Commander AND the Col wants to see me?! All of this reminds me of the classic 80's movie, Pump Up The Volume, where the main character is in high school, and who is kind of a loner, listens to punk and skates, and does that underground radio station, which nobody at his school knows about, and it gets bigger and bigger until finally he gets caught and busted.

Nobody here in my Plt knew of my site till about a week ago. I told a couple close friends. Just last week I had a soldier tell me, yea, I just talked to my aunt, she knows nothing about the internet and she asked me about a "blog" thing that she reads done by a soldier in the Stryker Brigade. A couple days ago at the Internet caf‚, I looked over at the person next to me and he was reading my Blog, totally unaware he was sitting next to the author. So I saw this one coming.

The Full Bird Col. wasn't around so my Plt Sgt walked me down to the BC's office, and all I could think about was latrine duty, being a Pvt again, loss of pay, or worse. When I got to his office I was sweating a lot. I don't think I was sweating from the heat, I was probably sweating more from being freaked the f**k out. My heart was beating at an accelerated rate as well now.

The BC is a pretty intimidating guy, he's like Patton meets Vince Lombardi with a little bit of Knute Rockne. Total hard charger kinda guy. The kinda guy infantrymen love. As I stepped in his office (I scanned the room with my eyes for MP's), he told me to take a seat and I did, nervous as all hell. My Plt Sgt sitting right next to me. He looked at me, offered me a cup of coffee, I declined and then as he walked to his desk he said, "You're pretty well read. I can tell right away that you're a reader."

Now I'm really sh*tting in pants. First off, he knows about my writting, second, I know from numerous experiences and bump ins with Judges, Probation Officers, principles, and police officers how something like this works, they always first start off with a nice compliment, and then they fry your ass.

He said "Youre a big Hunter S Thompson Fan, arnt you?" (pause) I said, "Uhhh, yes Sir." He said, "Me too, but I thought the movie was just pure garbage. Didn't do the book justice."

As I'm sitting there waiting for the guilty death penalty sentence to come out of his mouth, he asked me if I ever read "such and such by such and such." I was soo nervous and had soo many thoughts flying in my head I wasn't even registering what he was saying, I just said, "No sir, heard of him, but never read him." And then he said, "I'll let you borrow a copy of his book sometime, you'll really like him"

Then he sat down behind his desk and on his desk he had a huge file that looked to me to be about as thick as The Rise And Fall Of The Third Reich. With his right arm that had his Ranger Bat. Combat Patch sewn on it, he started turning the pages, I could see the painting of Guernica on the first page as he flipped through it, and every single page had something I wrote highlighted in bright florescent yellow ink and a bunch of weird forms attatched to it and a bunch of papers. I could feel the sweat dripping down my face.

He calmly looked up and told me that my sh*t was really good, and he liked reading my stuff, and that I was a good writer. He even mentioned something about including it in the units history and archives.

That didn't relieve me one bit, like I said, it made me more freaked out. I'm waiting for him to say the word: "BUT" followed by my punishment. Then we discussed things, and he pointed things out, and told me things. I agreed with 100% of everything he was saying, and the final conclusion from what he told me was that I could continue writing, but maybe have my Plt Sgt read my stuff before I post. He stressed that he didn't want to censor me and that I still had the freedom of speech thing, as long as I wasn't doing anything that would endanger the mission.

I totally 110% agree with him on that one. I thanked him and I told him that I of course would not want to do anything that would endanger anybody here or back home, which is of course true. He suggested that I should look into getting this stuff published and made into a book someday.

Finally I walked out of his office, with a feeling that I had just dodged a full mag of AK47 bullets. I went back to my room, and my roommate was waiting for me all wide eyed and said "Well, what did he want?!?!?! What Happened?!?! You busted?!" I told him all about what happened. And then I said, "Well, the positive thing is that, at least he knows who I am now." And he looked at me and said, "That could be a good thing, or a bad thing."

This might be my last entry, I haven't decided yet to end this, or continue this. I don't know what to make of all this yet.

I read a few of his posts....he said many soldiers support the war, but as far as I remember he didn't take a clear stand.

From the blog:

QUESTION: I check out your blog everyday...not sure how I found it, but it's great to get a perspective that you would never get unless you knew someone in Iraq. I have two questions for you:1) Personal question: You joke about your recruiter a lot and the duty you pull (as every military guy I ever have known does) - but do you feel like you're making a difference for Iraq? For America? We'll probably not knowfor years, but I'd like to know what your (and maybe the general opinion) over there is. 2) Aside from the Iraq's on your FOB, what is your view of the Iraqi citizens opinions of what is happening and their view toward you? Do they seem thankful? Do you think they feel like they have a chance to actually make their country better? Do you sense hope? I also want to add that I truly respect what you are doing.Thanks....be safe. And thanks again for sharing your thoughts. -Allen
ANSWER: 1.) I personally think we're making a difference for the better here for these people. I don't know what it was like here when Saddam was in charge, but all the Iraqi's that I've talked to tell me it sucked. Do I feel like I've made a difference for America? I don't know. 2.) Every time I leave the FOB and hit the streets here in Mosul, may cargo pockets get filled with gifts from the Iraqi people. Fruits, breads, candy's, toys, whatever. Yea, there's a lot of people who also hate us, but you don't know their story. Its hard to explain, but I'm senescing a lot of pride with the Iraqi people now that the country is theirs again that wasn't there in the past. A lot more flags up and the ICP's and ING's are doing a really good job out here now policing this country and they seem like they really do care. I have a lot of faith and respect for the ING's and ICP's, those guys have one of the hardest jobs out there, cleaning up iraq, and they are actually are doing a lot of good.
QUESTION: First, the vast majority of Americans are very thankful for the great job you and your fellow soldiers are doing in Iraq. Next, continue to keep your musings real. Your stories about your experiences in Iraq are great. You don't need to use error free grammar. Your writings about Iraq are more interesting than those of Dan Rather, Tom Brokaw and Peter Jennings combined. Lastly, if you don't mind, I have a few questions. 1.) Friends of mine who oppose GW Bush and the war don't have a moral problem with anti-war protesters who publicly protest during ongoing conflict. I find this to be very problematic. I think it is fine to protest before conflict begins, but I have a problem with protesters who take a public stance once soldiers' feet are on the ground. What is the general opinion of you and your fellow soldiers regarding public protestations against the war after battle begins? I don't think this type of behavior influences most soldiers to do their job with less professionalism. Yet, I can't imagine it doesn't have some negative impact on your psyche. Do most soldiers perceive these public protesters as less patriotic?
ANSWER: The University here in Mosul had a huge Anti-America protest a couple months ago. 100's and 100's of young students protesting us being here. I asked my Kurdish friend who lives in Mosul what he thought of all the protesters and with a look of disgust he told me that the protesters are just ignorant and uneducated on what's really going on with Iraq. Sometimes I feel that way about our protesters back home. On a raid once I found some old Iraqi newspapers from back in the Saddam era, and he would always print photographs of all the anti-war protests in his papers, I guess to make it look like EVERYBODY in America was against Bush and the war. Me personally, we have the right to assemble and protest whatever we want to protest. If they want to protest before the war, go ahead, if they want to protest during the war, go ahead. It doesn't bother me and I don't think about them. I know this sounds like a total brainwashed answer, but my job is not to think about them and have them effect my job, my job is to my job. If people want to protest the war because they think it's an unjust war, that's fine, that's what makes America, America, we have that freedom to do that. A lot of the soldiers here are totally gung ho 100% for this war, which is fine, but whenever we sit around smoking and talking about the war, if I even bring up a argument that even remotely questions us being here and the legitimacy of this war, I'm usually called a liberal communist pinko from California. Which I'm not.

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