Posted on 05/14/2004 9:49:55 PM PDT by neverdem
After I wrote a column a few weeks ago about the 1999 shootings at Columbine High School, I got e-mail from Tom Klebold, the father of Dylan Klebold, one of the shooters. Tom objected to the column, but the striking thing about his note was that while acknowledging the horrible crime his son had committed, Tom was still fiercely loyal toward him. Which prompts this question: If your child commits a crime like that, what do you do with the rest of your life?
Tom and Susan Klebold have not really spoken to the press about all this. But the lawsuits against them are being settled, and they trust The New York Times, which is the paper they read every day, so they were willing to have a long conversation with me this week.
They are a well-educated, reflective, highly intelligent couple (Dylan was named after Dylan Thomas). During our conversation they discussed matters between themselves, as well as answering my questions. Their son, by the way, is widely seen as the follower, who was led by Eric Harris into this nightmare.
The Klebolds describe the day of the shootings as a natural disaster, as a "hurricane" or a "rain of fire." They say they had no intimations of Dylan's mental state. Tom, who works from home and saw his son every day, had spent part of the previous week with Dylan scoping out dorm rooms for college the next year.
When they first heard about the shootings, it did not occur to them that Dylan could be to blame. When informed, Susan said, "we ran for our lives." They went into hiding, desperate for information. "We didn't know what had happened," she said. "We couldn't grieve for our child."
That first night, their lawyer said to them, "Dylan isn't here anymore for people to hate, so people are going to hate you." Even as we spoke this week, Tom had in front of him the poll results, news stories and documents showing that 83 percent of Americans had believed the parents were partly to blame. Their lives are now pinioned to this bottomless question: Who is responsible?
They feel certain of one thing. "Dylan did not do this because of the way he was raised," Susan said. "He did it in contradiction to the way he was raised."
After the shooting, they faced a simple choice: to move away and change their names, or to go back and resume their lives. Susan thinks about leaving every day. "I won't let them win," Tom said. "You can't run from something like this."
So they live in the same house and work at the same jobs. Susan works in the community college system. "It's amazing how long it took me to get up and say my name at a meeting, to say, `I'm Dylan Klebold's mother,' " Susan says. "Dylan could have killed any number of the kids of people that I work with."
In general, Tom said, "most people have been good-hearted." Their friends rallied around. Their neighbors call to warn them if an unfamiliar car lurks in the neighborhood. There is a moment of discomfort when they hand over a credit card at a store, but there have been few bad scenes. One clerk looked at the name and remarked to Susan, "Boy, you're a survivor, aren't you."
The most infuriating incident, Susan said, came when somebody said, "I forgive you for what you've done." Susan insists, "I haven't done anything for which I need forgiveness."
When they talk about the event, they discuss it as a suicide. They acknowledge but do not emphasize the murders their son committed. They also think about the signs they missed. "He was hopeless. We didn't realize it until after the end," Tom said. Susan added: "I think he suffered horribly before he died. For not seeing that, I will never forgive myself."
They believe that what they call the "toxic culture" of the school — the worship of jocks and the tolerance of bullying — is the primary force that set Dylan off. But they confess that in the main, they have no explanation.
"I'm a quantitative person," said Tom, a former geophysicist. "We're not qualified to sort this out." They long for some authoritative study that will provide an answer. "People need to understand," Tom said, "this could have happened to them."
My instinct is that Dylan Klebold was a self-initiating moral agent who made his choices and should be condemned for them. Neither his school nor his parents determined his behavior. Now his parents have been left with the terrible consequences. I'd say they are facing them bravely and honorably.
"One thing parents can do when their children seem unreachable is PRAY for them."
Amen. I had long been away from the church, and wasn't sure I believed in God, but I reached a point with one of my children where I would do ANYTHING to help, anything at all. If that meant taking that leap of faith and begging God to help-- well, I could do that, and I did. MY beliefs were nothing, MY pride was nothing, I was willing to do whatever was necessary. My prayer was, "If you are there, God . . ."
Well, He was there. I didn't mention anything, but a couple of days after I first prayed, my daughter said to me, with a very puzzled, confused look on her face, "There's something weird going on here, it feels different." So I told her what I had done.
He changed both her heart and mine. Life hasn't been all perfect since that time, but we've found the Way forward and she's going to be fine.
"And, with most people, asking WHY is counter productive because it feels like an accusation. USUALLY, IN MARRIAGES AND WITH TEENS, IT'S BETTER TO AVOID ASKING QUESTIONS AT ALL. a good exercise toward that is to commit to one's spouse to go a whole month without asking a single question. You learn to make statements. "
I never thought of it like that, but you're absolutely right on this! Thank you! I'm going to think about it and put it into practice in my own life.
Yes, I did. I went through all the posts before mine. And I am not denying that there are many factors that will determine how a particular individual acts at a particular moment; nor suggesting that people are not responsible for their own conduct, etc., or that anyone is basically or necessarily good, etc..
But regardless of all other factors; regardless of the merits of this or that individual; we have been allowing the Left in America to take away the natural, normal human incentives to proper conduct, to purposeful existence. Those who are lost without purpose are much more likely to act out in some inappropriate manner. Here, they acted out in suicidal rage. Others act out by losing themselves in Drugs. The point is that you cannot not take away the tried and true values, and not expect disaster.
William Flax Return Of The Gods Web Site
Am blessed to read of it.
Humbled and blessed.
If you come up with an issue or situation you'd like more suggested statements to try, please feel free to let me know by FREEPMAIL or some such.
Would be delighted to read of your experiences with such privately or on the thread.
It's usually a very powerful thing.
None of us likes to feel like the questioner has their hands around our throats or essence or whatever.
Statements that are open ended, like a hand open flat--with a WARM SORT of take it or leave it--are much more effective bridges between people.
Usually the first few days or week are the hardest.
Another thing the exercise does--it causes people to FOCUS on:
A) communicating more in general
and
B) THINKING WELL ABOUT what they are trying to communicate
and
C) WHAT the desired result is of their communication.
All of which is usually to the good, BTW!
CHEERS TO YOUR GROWTH and prayers for the growth of intimacy between you and loved ones!
Your post 93 seems designed to shout down opposition.
I guess that in spite of some things I agree with you about, I'll have to disagree with YOU. That was really rude, the equivalent of shouting down the room.
Certainly was not my intent.
My intent was to say--with the passion which I feel about those issues--hey lurkers, passers by, this is worth a closer read, please, please, please note, pay attention, consider it.
Yes, I'd probably scream it from the house tops and any corner I thought I'd get a hearing on.
I'm greatly sorry you inferred otherwise from the color and font sizes.
I just feel that some things ARE worth yelling about. And that's one of them.
SORRY FOR ANY OFFENSE, Ping
Very strongly agree with you.
I guess I don't really have any apology for the passion I feel about those issues.
I don't know if you've seen at close personal range the 1,000+ cases I have of the dreadful devastation and suffering caused by so many taking the pleasure of the moment or laziness of the moment'easy' way out--which turns out to be anything but easy.
I feel passion about these issues as most people feel about the Berg beheading.
I just do. It's just me. I feel it in my bone marrow, every cell and fiber of my being, if that makes any sense.
Harris and Klebold "laughed at petty school shooters," Cullen reports. They sought murder on a grander scale. They planned first to set off bombs in the school cafeteria to kill perhaps 600. Then they would shoot the survivors as they fled. Then their cars, laden with still more bombs, would explode amid the crowd of rescue workers and parents rushing to the school. It all might have come off if they had not miswired the timers on the propane bombs in the cafeteria.
What motivated them? Here, Cullen says, it is necessary to distinguish Klebold from Harris. Klebold was a depressed and troubled kid who could have been saved. Harris was an icy killer. He once thought about hijacking a plane and flying it into Manhattan.
You wrote:"Those who are lost without purpose are much more likely to act out in some inappropriate manner. Here, they acted out in suicidal rage."
I believe Klebold might have been salvageable if the culture had not degenerated so far from traditional values. Harris sounds like a psychopath that was determined to go out in a murderous blaze of infamy, i.e. he was beyond help or hope.
As a parent myself, I understand all too well how it is UNAVOIDABLE to make mistakes.
OF COURSE IT'S UNAVOIDABLE to make mistakes.
And the parents of challenging children made plenty of mistakes.
But their successes outweighed their mistakes
SUFFICIENTLY
that they succeeded with their kids admirably. And, their kids succeeded as adults.
Sometimes they made dreadful mistakes. But as Scripture says, LOVE [true, authentic, selfless, sacrificial] LOVE covers a multitude of sins.
Still true.
And, NOT ALL my observations were hind sight.
I have predicted quite accurately those challenging kids that were going to crash and burn were things not changed.
And I've predicted quite accurately those challenging kids that were going to succeed because of the good things the parents were doing right, in spite of their flaws.
Or a rage driven soul, trying to outdo the other rage driven kids. What you quote strongly suggests that he wanted his angry statement to far outdo the younger kids in Paducah. Was he a natural sociopath--there are such--or reacting with fury to a sense that something (something that he couldn't even define) was missing from his life. I would lean towards the latter, because most sociopaths do not commit suicide, but demonstrate their pathology over much longer time frames. The misery they cause others may be a game, but not one that requires immediate self-destruction, where there is not much time for personal enjoyment.
William Flax
BTW,
I NEVER HAVE
expected such a perspective to win me any popularity contests.
But IF
I can help one child to have a
BETTER
CHANCE at becoming a fulfilled, productive adult, then it is worth all the assault, disdain, incredulity, offense, and hostility my comments may have triggered in my direction.
WISE, ASTUTE comments, imho.
Thanks.
You added to my understanding.
When parents have a very difficult child, like a severely depressed child, they should get help and find out what may work to give their child the best childhood that can be acheived. It is OK to forgive the parents for some mistakes, but they should also ask themselves what they observed and whether they were observant enough.
We know for example that the commander of a unit should have some responsibility for what goes on in the unit. If they don't know what is going on, they can be held responsible for not being aware. In this case I believe there were a lot of "warning signs" out there and the parents could resonably be held responsible for not knowing what their child was doing.
THE MATRIX
Total Gross: $171,479,930
Distributor: Warner Bros.
Release Date: March 31, 1999
The boys killed themselves on April 20, 1999.
My point was that the two boys were mimicking what they saw on TV/Movies. I doubt they were trying to be like Janet Reno.
Is it possible to be a reader of NYTIMES daily, trust what you read there, and NOT be an overly indugent parent? Well, I guess it is if one has no children, but otherwise, no. These parents didn't provide the gift of faith to their son. That loss is resulting in all kinds of aberration, including the actions of the perverts at
Abu Graib.
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