Are Homeschoolers really similar to Islamic Terrorists?

Creative Loafing,Charlotte ^ | BY QUINN COTTON

[Diva Betsy Ross]

Homeschool Horror Divinely ordained education, taught by martyrs

BY QUINN COTTON

You know how there are terrorist cells embedded throughout the world? Well, in my neighborhood we have numerous "homeschool" cells humming in the cul-de-sacs. They're almost as scary as the terrorist ones in some ways -- and they definitely have some traits in common with them.

When we first moved to Charlotte, the houses next to us, behind us, and diagonally across the street all contained children who mysteriously never seemed to leave home, and mothers with glazed expressions on their faces. The whole set-up of moms stuck with their school-age kids 24/7 gave me the willies, and that was before I even had one of my own.

Middle class areas seem to be magnets for little suburban schoolhouses. Even though there must be homeschooling pockets all over Charlotte, somehow I don't picture your basic Ballantyne babe risking breaking a nail on a chalkboard in the bonus room, or skipping a tennis set for an educational excursion to the sewage plant. Likewise, I doubt many Belmont moms miss a beat packing those kids off to public school. It's the middle class that gets suckered into the myth that mothers and older children can survive being together all day without somebody being strangled. The true "haves" and "have-nots" know better.

What's scary is that a lot of the homeschooling faithful are as fueled by a fanatical, religion-based belief in their mission as Islamist terrorists, and seem to be just about as brainwashed. Sometimes I even wonder if they're a manufactured race along the lines of the Stepford wives in Ira Levin's book, but assembled in fundamentalist Christian churches instead of family basements. Like the Stepford robots, they're programmed to fulfill their husbands' fantasies, only in this case it's their role as the Ultimate Selfless Mothers.

Other times I feel like the heroine in another famous horror story by Levin, Rosemary's Baby, at that chilling moment when she puts together the anagram "All of Them Witches" and realizes it refers to her seemingly harmless neighbors. Some of the homeschooling moms (HMs) are kind of witch-y, with the uncut hair and the long skirts because pants on females are unholy, but the description that really applies to this coven is "All of Them Zealots."

They're not only terrorist-like in their conviction that their calling is divinely ordained, homeschoolers also often have a broad martyr streak. Rather than suicide bombings, though, they commit "suicide book-learning," sacrificing their own lives to teach their kids. I've known one or two to get pregnant as an excuse to get out of homeschooling hell, but the true martyrs keep right on instructing, with the newest little pupil glued to their breast.

Beyond a certain age, children and mothers are just not meant to be isolated together. It's unnatural. Keeping the kids at home might have worked back in the Stone Age, but cave women would've at least had each other for company, and I bet they made damn sure the youngsters stayed off in a group together while they grunted gossip and drank their Cro-Magnon coffee.

Kids need their teachers to be adults, separate from their mothers. That way they can idolize or despise them apart from a parent figure, and don't have to depend on one person for everything they require. Did a parent of yours try to teach you to drive? How'd that go? 'Nuff said.

All young animals must be immersed in a mass of their peers so they can figure out what it means to function as a member of the larger group. Believe me, I'm aware that homeschooling families get their children together, since occasionally there'll be a flood of them from next door scrambling over the fence to play uninvited in our yard, but being with maybe a dozen other kids once in a while doesn't do the trick. It takes serious numbers for developing humans to catch on to the nuances of accepted behavior and to have a chance to make enough friends. I just can't see homeschooling providing adequate socialization.

One of my neighboring HMs taught her two kids through eighth grade, then threw them to the wolves in public high school. The boy ended up dropping out and doing jail time, and the girl got pregnant.

Yes, I know that homeschooled kids have won high-profile academic contests, but for every homeschooler who aces a spelling bee, there's some poor child being "instructed" by a parent who's barely literate herself. Teachers in the public school system are required to have certification and college degrees, yet any yahoo can force their kids to stay home as long as they pass an annual test.

What's really scary about homeschooling is what it can do to the sanity of a mother deluded into thinking it's her Christian duty. No woman was ever meant to be trapped in a house all day with children old enough to spell "homicide."

So if new neighbors move in next door and you notice that the kids never leave for school and mom wears her hair in two braids, be afraid. Be very afraid

[SpookBrat]

Braided hair bump backatcha!

[don-o]

This is a spoof, right?

Prolly not. But what it is is a clear line between those who "get it" and those who do not.

Between those who see the danger to their most precious treasure and those who do not.

Between those who do not even understand why our children are our most precious treasure, and those who do.

Between those who are well fitted to be slaves and those who are not.

[Diva Betsy Ross]

I thought it was a spoof at first too.

[cupcakes]

Oh no then Tax, I'd make you green with envy. I've taken advantage of those abundant pregnant hormones and what they do to hair. When I put my hair way up in a ponytail now it looks like those hairpeices people buy in malls--very long and full. I'm loving it. This is the longest I've had it since I was a kid!

[cupcakes]

LOL--great rant. It is why I stopped reading it. Piece of trash is all it was and I'd had my fill.

I'm actually not even partial to skirts and dresses for the most part, but I'm sure my hair sends them in a tizzy since it is quite long at this point. God forbid I enjoy the head of hair He gave me while I still have it. For the record, I probably would drive this gal nuts currently as I walk around during school hours with children in tow and 9 months pregnant to boot and I love it, or is that the program in my head my husband put there;-) Oh, the humanity...

[cupcakes]

You are absolutely right. I live in central Ohio and the northern portion of Columbus is dominated with the liberal/leftist homeschooling types who are not doing it for religious reasons but idealogical ones and because they think they can do a superior job educating their children.

[cupcakes]

I've been home since my 6 yr old was born so that impact has been absorbed for some time now:-)
You have a great list there and I agree thinking of some past mistakes I made when first considering this and approaching my husband. I know I meant what you were saying, that my children receive a great education under our Christian guidance, but it often came out as an emotional rant to my husband. I've since learned to present my case with facts and a plan and not with the whining, moaning, pleading, etc.

[Tax-chick]

AAARGH! Hair Envy!!! I'm having the after-pregnancy hormone crash, and mine is falling out ... I just had it cut short, shorter, shortest a couple days ago. I look exactly like my mother now!

[Tax-chick]

liberal/leftist homeschooling types who are not doing it for religious reasons but idealogical

I'm sure the author would be thrilled to have them in her neighborhood! The only "Zealots" who are hateful are the conservative-religious type; environmentalist, socialist, leftist zealots are just ordinary right-thinking people, don't you know.

[azhenfud]

"Other times I feel like the heroine..."

I was thinking the author had a drug prollem...;-)

[cantfindagoodscreenname]

So you see, I only agreed with what I saw as humorous take on the subject matter. "Suicide book-learning,"- thats bad?

Well, I didn't see that in your initial comment, but I'll take your word for it.

Oh boy, I am getting my head handed to me on this one.

Hey, it happens to all of us here if we stay around long enough, lol!

[cupcakes]

Yeah, I should bask in the glow because I get that wonderful after slump too and the clumps come out. My long mane may not look so great once it has thinned out a little;-) so we'll see what it looks like in about 6 months.

[cupcakes]

I hear you. I'm sure she'd find some way to worm those folks out of being attached to "right wing religious homeschoolers". My guess is the fact that many of them are multi-degreed will give them a pass--they are "qualified", don't you know, to teach their children. Plus, they can only benefit from the "unbiased" opinion of their leftist parents--snort--whereas passing our belief system along is tantamount to brainwashing. I bet this lady would be livid that my 6 yr old has been "brainwashed" into reciting the Lord's Prayer from memory and several other daily prayers. Like I said, the humanity...

[TC Rider]

Sirs and Madams,

It is incumbant upon you to stage an intervention as soon as possible for Quinn Cotton.

I can not begin to imagine what horrible events have happened in her life, to so poison her mind, outlook, and perceptions of her neighbors.

Her recent column comparing homeschoolers to Islamic terrorists is so far beyond the pale that it must be considered a cry for help. One can only assume that she is stark raving mad.

I trust that those of you who work with her on a daily basis will attempt to get her some professional help.

TC Rider
Apex, NC

[Diva Betsy Ross]

Well Put. I would love to know if you get a response.

[Diva Betsy Ross]

Don't worry -your hair will grow back. I even had my eyelashes and eyebrows almost disappear. Everything is fine now.. WHEW!! My hair grew so long and so fast that I had it down to the middle of my back 6 months after it started growing back in. I didn't have that problem with the first boy. With the second boy, I thought I was going to be bald.

Don't worry- it will come back.

[Tax-chick]

My hair doesn't fall out too badly (this is my 7th baby), but nothing will make it grow to the middle of my back! Past about 4", I look like Gene Wilder or Albert Einstein. I'm hoping that when it's all gray, it will be more agreeable!

[m87339]

Isn't it sacred to liberals?

If by "choice" you mean what they have pre-chosen for you, yes.

[cupcakes]

If it is any consolation, mine is going grey and it is more managable then when I was say in my early 20's. I can actually do braids and things now where at one time it was just complete fly-away.

[Tax-chick]

My neighbor stopped by earlier with some Homeowners' Association papers, and said my hair looked really good, so I'll stop complaining (until the next time I see someone with long braids :-).