Posted on 04/01/2004 5:26:52 AM PST by libertyhoundusnr
THE ORIGIN OF LIBERALS AND CONSERVATIVES
The division of the human family into its two distinct branches occurred some 10,000 years ago, a few hundred years after the flood, when human beings coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.
In the pivotal event of societal evolution, beer was invented. This epochal innovation was both the foundation of modern civilization and the occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required a reliable source of grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle or aluminum can had yet been invented, so it was necessary to stick pretty close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days killing animals to barbecue at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of the Conservative movement.
Other men, who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned how to live off Conservatives by showing up for the BBQs every night and doing women's work like sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Later, some of the Liberals actually became women.
Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, invention of group therapy, and democratic voting to see how to divide up the beer and meat that the Conservatives provided. Women were not interested in democracy at that time because most of them were still women back then, and the Conservatives fed them.
The largest, most powerful land animal on earth symbolizes Conservatives. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern Liberals like imported beer (they add lime), but most prefer white wine or foreign water in a bottle. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are on Liberal menus. Their women have more testosterone than the men. Liberals like deviant sex and want others to like it too. Their first successful city governments were Sodom and Gomorrah.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, college professors, journalists, and group therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat, and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals do not produce anything. They prefer to "govern" the producers and decide what is to be done with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals just stayed in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America.
Conservatives have principles, believe in a Creator, and the rule of law. They practice charity and give to the poor, normally through their churches. When in doubt on an issue, they check both the Bible and the Constitution, which they use as a constant reference in a changing world. They believe in the concept of truth.
Liberals do not have principles, except for their dedication to stealing the production of Conservatives and undermining principled references such as the Bible and Constitution. They are never in doubt on an issue because they always do whatever is best for them at the time without regard to others. They have no standard of reference and are never consistent. Liberals do not give to charity. They cultivate the poor like a cat cultivates a field of mice. They use the poor as voters and give them a portion of stolen tax money, which they tax away from Conservatives.
Conservatives believe in self-defense, both at home and abroad. They own guns and use them to discourage Liberals and other common criminals. They provide guns to the armed forces to discourage foreign Liberals and other foreign criminals.
Liberals do not believe in Conservative self-defense. They disarm Conservatives, and then attack them with impunity by Liberal armies with guns. King George III, Stalin and Pol Pot were all Liberals who abandoned the rule of Law, had no principles except their own self-indulgence, and attempted to tax and govern Conservatives. Liberals believe in BIG government. They think the United Nations is the ultimate answer because it’s the ultimate big government.
Conservatives believe in the rule of law and when sitting on juries, convict common criminals and acquit fellow Conservatives who have been charged by Liberals. When serving in the armed forces, they shoot Liberals from other countries who want to govern our country. Conservatives know the difference between a common-sense law and a bone-headed statute passed by some Liberal from Massachusetts. When sitting on juries, they do not enforce bone-headed statutes, and don't explain their reasons.
Liberals only believe in whatever laws appeal to them at the moment, such as the privilege of making a living by taxing Conservatives. When sitting on juries, Liberals convict producers and acquit Liberals and other common criminals. Liberal judges do not produce anything except chaos, and are paid by fellow Liberals with confiscated tax money. They consider it illegal to reference any source of law such as the Bible or Constitution. Like other Liberals, they just make it up as they go and do what is best for them. Judge Roy Bean is their model.
The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full-bore Conservative. A hundred years ago, an Englishman visiting Texas was attempting to find the owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one of the ranch hands, and inquired, "Pardon me, but could you perhaps tell me where I might locate your master?" To which the cowboy replied, "That sumbitch ain't been born yet."
So, what'll it be? Steak or tofu? Wine or Beer? Domestic or imported?
"The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants."
--Thomas Jefferson
Sadly, I can't send this to my wife as she has no sense of humor ("*I* have a sense of humor; that just wasn't funny.")
For that matter, some of it isn't even true in our case. But, whatever, I have to run to class now. Gaawd, I could use a beer.
TS
(only 6 more hours to go)
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