The New Normal: Singleness in America

BreakPoint ^ | 11 Dec 03 | Chuck Colson

[Mr. Silverback]

A pair of magazine articles recently revealed some intriguing facts about marriage and singleness in America. U.S. NEWS AND WORLD REPORT notes that Americans are getting married later in life. And, according to reporter Michelle Conlin in BUSINESS WEEK, "The U.S. Census Bureau's newest numbers show that married-couple households . . . have slipped from nearly 80 percent in the 1950s to just 50.7 percent [of the population] today. That means that the U.S.'s 86 million single adults could soon define the new majority . . . What many once thought of as the fringe is becoming the new normal."

As a result, the way we view many things -- singleness, marriage, friendships, and institutions -- is changing dramatically. For instance, U.S. NEWS AND WORLD REPORT's article focused on the so-called "Tribal Culture," in which single friends form highly organized groups that serve as a kind of substitute family. One such group, in Denver, has 110 members. But that number pales in comparison to some of the groups that are forming online at websites like Friendster.com where literally thousands of people meet to form social networks.

The existence of these "tribes" and these statistics tell us something about ourselves, the way we're wired. We are social beings: We need family and community -- even in a culture that prizes autonomy above all things. But BUSINESS WEEK's reporter sees a quite different meaning in the trend she calls "the new normal." Conlin argues that benefits like insurance and Social Security, which have always gone to married couples, should also be extended to singles, cohabiting couples, and homosexuals living together. She writes, "Just because matrimony is good for society doesn't mean that outmoded social benefits are."

Now, first let me say that it's important for Christians, when examining this trend, to avoid pointing fingers or acting as if singles are somehow inferior to married people. Surrounded by a culture fearful of commitment and more interested in "hooking up" than dating, even those who are interested in getting married often have a hard time finding anyone who shares their interest. Also, as Paul teaches in the New Testament, not everyone is called to be married.

However, there's a genuine cause for concern when people cite widespread singleness as an excuse to promote policies that denigrate traditional families. The benefits we give to two-parent families should have nothing to do with how many families there are. It's a recognition of the great importance of a stable family structure to our society, in all kinds of areas -- the strength of the workforce, the emotional health of kids, and even the physical health of adults. These benefits are one way that we encourage standards that reflect the way we were designed to live -- standards like lifelong faithfulness to one person and a committed mother and father for every child. The more we insist on ignoring these standards, the weaker our culture becomes.

Marriage already has enough strikes against it in a culture that largely considers it just one more "lifestyle choice." We don't need to discourage it even more. "The new normal" so-called may change a lot of things, but it shouldn't change the way we look at a God-ordained, time-tested institution. Tribes may have their place in the chaos of postmodern culture, but they are no substitute for marriage and the family.

[BoozeHag]

Best point made in the thread.

[Gabz]

I think I figured out why they don't want the average person to get copies of the building and plumbing codes. They really aren't that difficult to understand and implement and the unions would lose lots of money on jobs.

I think you're right!!!!

[JohnG45]

You don't respond because you CAN'T respond.

This is not the first time you have used this argument.

I called you vacuous once before and now I repeat that estimation.

As for the rest of FR posters interested in intelligent discourse, don't waste your time with cajungirl

[Gabz]

But when is the last time you heard of a super-model dating a hard working construction worker?

I'm not a super-model, but am built like many of them and not only did I date a hardworking construction worker - I married him.

Many of my acquaintances snickered about it as I worked in a suit and tie world. None of them are still with the same person 15 years later like I am..........

[Texan5]

Men who get custody of their kids are entitled to child support, and should not be averse to making sure that ex-wife pays-they are just as much a single parent as a divorced custodial mother. My husband had a child in high school and one in middle school when his world fell apart, and he had to feed, clothe, cook for them like a mom, in addition to his job in the military and duties as a dad. I knew him then, and it was difficult-made more so by the fact that his ex made lots more money than he did, and would not pay the court-ordered child support. He managed, though, and made sure they both went to college, too.

[Jim Cane]

You might also consider dating outside the city

Just the opposite. I have bear, moose, deer, coyotes, and mt. lion in the back yard and eagles and trout out front. Women are scarcer'n h3ll, and single one's moreso - and they don't hang around the general store. Nice theory, but it doens't reflect reality.

You have to drive to the city, where the womin' are pretty.

[LWalk18]

For the sake of convenience, reliability and cost; the pill is for all intensive purposes the de-facto form of birth control used. The condom may be used, and in that case (the ONLY form of BC available to men) the man has responsibility.

If a man wants to avoid getting his wife pregnant, then he uses a condom- thus he cannot be tricked into pregnancy. If a woman does not want to become pregnant, she uses the pill, she doesn't just expect her partner to wear a condom. Either way, both parties better realize that pregnancy is a natural consequence of sex, and they learn to live with that risk.

[Gabz]

Yuo're husband's a good man!!!!

And now my break is over - back to the windows!!!

[Hodar]

Ah, but the exceptions make the rule. You were wise, and chose based upon the right characteristics; but as a whole, you are in the extreme minority; and I think we both know this.

Congratulations on 15.

[NYC GOP Chick]

That's why so many men are no longer willing to commit to marriage. I know I'm not!

That's a crushing blow to single women everywhere, but we will somehow manage to recover and go on with our lives. :)

[Hodar]

You are missing the point. The point is lies and deception. If she uses a pin on his condoms, then she would be pregnant through lies and deception. The same thing if she says she is on the pill, and knows that she is flushing them down the toilet. If she claims to use the sponge, but never inserted it, there are dozens of forms of BC available to women, but just ONE available to men. (2 if you include abstainance, but that is grounds for divorce in and of itself).

If a wife insists that she is on the pill, yet the husband refuses not to wear a condom; he has by his actions, called his wife a liar. He may avoid the unwanted pregnancy, but he has played a card in a game he cannot win, quit or break even.
Face it, in a marriage, the wife determines when sex is permitted, how it will be done, and under what conditions. The male may suggest, he may make the first move; but ultimately it is the female's decision. If it were otherwise, then the husband would be tried for rape.

[Texan5]

"I see a growing number of women walking away and leaving the husband AND kids"

interesting.

I think it is pure selfishness, brought on by listening to the feminazis all these years preaching that women need to be fulfilled, find themselves, do what they want to do, etc. The end result is that they just walk over their man and kids to find their own private Nirvana. They've started believing this bulls*** like it was gospel truth...

[Orangedog]

I'm not saying he wasn't entitled to it, but I understand how he felt. Men are just wired differently then women. I had custody for about 2 years and never got a dime. Most fathers in that situation are just glad that they have their kids fulltime. Besides, the system doesn't pursue mothers for support with the same zeal that it does going after fathers. If people would take a look at the percentage of non-custodial mothers who don't pay support that they are ordered to, I think they would be stunned at the percentage of "deadbeat-moms" there are. But there are so few fathers with custody no one bothers with it. In fact, when a father does have custody of the kids, it's typically assumed by outsiders that the mother must have died.

[RinaseaofDs]

No, but keeping a man happy has a lot to do with sex. In a lot of marriages, it had a lot to do with attracting men in the first place.

The denial that most married women live under is that marriage is supposed to some how dull a man's appetite for sex. Men have hormones too, and hormones drive a man's desire to want to have sex.

So women can joke around about PMS, they can write about the baby itch, but when men wonder what the hell happened to sex after "I do" we are just insensitive pigs.

It is amazing what an unsolicited, unanticipated sex act can do for men in a marriage. It doesn't cost anything, and the upside for the female partner in terms of the enthusiasm with which the man will hit the 'honey-do' list will stagger the mind.

I have to say, marriage is a risky proposition nowadays. No one is willing to eat the 'barrel of salt' and really find out who they are marrying anymore. Most women are on a deadline, and end up pushing guys before they are ready.

Most guys who are 'normal' will ask a girl to marry once they realize that they can't see going through life without this woman.

It certainly isn't about sex, but it is about building a friendship, and friendship is about taking a new measure of the person each time you see them. To most women, men are a career goal.

[Texan5]

He appreciates the yardwork help, believe me-just the part of the yard that's fenced is nearly an acre.

I know I've heard the Hoover joke, but it was a long time ago..

[Hodar]

I'm not a super-model, but am built like many of them and not only did I date a hardworking construction worker - I married him.

It has been said (and not by me) that the following statement is true:

A man will date/marry the most attractive woman his income can attract; and a woman will date/marry the most powerful/wealthiest man her looks will attract.

From casual observations, that statement holds a lot of water. Not necessarily in every case (assuming this statement does not apply to you), but it seems to be true more often than it is false.

[Jim Cane]

That's why so many men are no longer willing to commit to marriage. I know I'm not!

That's a crushing blow to single women everywhere, but we will somehow manage to recover and go on with our lives. :)

That he's no longer not willing, or that he is? There's some double-negative sport at hand, or not.

[LN2Campy]

I give it 50 years till the USA is fragmented into a Spanish speaking enclave; several rural, predominantly white european enclaves; and the rest of the country, in which the impositon of sharia will be seriously considered owing to a combination of a complete moral breakdown and an islamic population that rises to the "tipping point".

Till today there has never been a society in which the family unit has taken such a beating -- even in the darkest most anarchical days of Europe following the fall of Rome, this did not happen.

[Gottwnz]

I believe you have my stapler?

[CajunConservative]

You know what, it really does go both ways. There are female jerks just as there are male jerks. There are decent women just as there are decent men. Sometimes they even find each other. Some women play head games, but so do some men. Some women are only concerned with marrying for money, so are some men. Some men are so concerned with marrying the trophy wife as are some women wanting the "alpha male" Wise men and women understand that there is more to marriage than the externals and look at each other's character thoroughly before jumping the gun and getting married.

That's life though. You can live it in fear and paranoia or you can embrace each day and make the most of what life deals you. It's your choice.