FDNY WIVES GET BURNED

New York Post ^ | 12/1/03

[billbears]

It's the FDNY's "dirty little secret." At least a dozen of New York's Bravest - some of them assigned to look after Sept. 11 widows - have left their wives for the spouses of their comrades killed in the terror attacks, sources told The Post.

[wtc911]

The Army has Casualty Assistance Officers. Their job is to step in after the Casualty Notification Officer has done his job. The CAO will theoretically hold the widow's hand and guide her through the mountains paperwork and policy. The Army is well aware that two dynamics are present and could lead to an inappropriate evolution of the relationship. The bereaved may sub-consciously seek a substitute/replacement for the husband. The CAO's job has him filling almost all of the functions one would expect from the now dead husband. his causes the bereaved to attach emotionally to the CAO.

The second dynamic is one felt by the CAO. He may well confuse sympathy for the "damsel in distress" for some deeper emotion. We men have this ancient, primeval need to protect the weak. Throw in youth and attractiveness on the bereaved's part and the cocktail is ready to be mixed.

Knowing this the Army's CAO guidebook strongly cautions the CAO to know where the line is and when he's getting close.

[tom h]

"Sad, but hardly a suprising outcome."

I agree. Out of several thousand firemen, a dozen leave their wives? Maybe 1-3%. If you asked any 100 men to console and support extensively a grieving widow, whatever the connection, I would wager than up to 5% of the men would always jump ship. It's inevitable. The women are lonely, some of the men have wives that "don't understand" them, and some of the widows will be extremely attractive or rolling in life insurance money.

This is interesting but hardly a sign of the decline of Western Civilization.

[HamiltonJay]

Well its predictable.. you have someone, a grieving woman and her kids, who likely are also the children and wife of a good friend of your own, at the most vulnerable, and you have the inate male instinct to protect... it is inevitable that some of these situations would result in what has happened.

I think the policy is pretty bad policy frankly, sending laymen out to do grief counselling and support... as an unofficial duty. It is sad, and it is wrong, but its not suprising.

[Bikers4Bush]

Certainly a catalyst I would think but I'd be surprised if it was the only reason.

[Cate]

What the article doesn't address is how many families broke up before 9/11 and the spouses involved became involved with other members of the FDNY. The numbers are probably close to the number of families after 9/11. Situations like this have been going on for years in fire fighter, military and law enforcement families. Its unfortunate, but true that the grass seems greener on the other side of the fence.

[milemark]

"...interesting but hardly a sign of the decline of Western Civilization."

Not that any more signs are needed of said decline.

[DaughterOfAnIwoJimaVet]

She'll probably sue the department for alienation of affection or something.

I'm sorry this happened to her, but I think she ought to be blaming her husband - not FDNY.

[Tax-chick]

I'd be surprised if it was the only reason.

Oh, I agree. More likely a "facilitating factor," so to speak.

[Arthur McGowan]

There is nothing surprising about this at all. It's good old-fashioned "transference." Take one man, one woman, put them into a situation charged with intense emotion (loss of buddy, loss of husband), with lots of dialogue about the intense emotion, and lots of helpful behavior, and pretty soon they will be "in love." It's time to tear up that "unwritten contract," and let emotionally neutral professionals help the widows.

[Neets]

Koenig said that when her husband began to disassociate himself from his family, she made repeated entreaties to his captain to intervene. After speaking with both Madeline Bergin and Gerry Koenig, the captain ordered Gerry back to his own family.

But the order didn't stick.

By what authority did she think the Captain could "order" him back to his own family?

By what authority did she think ANYONE could "order" him back?

[Tax-chick]

I think the policy is pretty bad policy frankly, sending laymen out to do grief counselling and support... as an unofficial duty.

I agree. Surely the department has professional mental health counsellors available; the union would insist, as part of their health benefits. And if an official representative of the department was required, this would seem like an ideal position to be filled by the women employees. And the same in the military.

Why promote unhappiness and scandal when you don't have to? Yes, some men are going to leave their wives (and vice versa) but it doesn't have to be promoted by the organization's direct actions.

[over3Owithabrain]

Jeez, is this guy a Clinton or what?

I love Clinton-bashing as much as the next FReeper, but didn't the former GOP mayor of NYC ditch his wife for another woman too?

[eastforker]

Man I am surprised I am the first one with the following scenario.It is very possible there was an affair going on before 911. Think about it,most FD personnel are quite close,different work schedules at times ,family outings etc.Don't say it ain't so cuz it happens more often than you think,same with LE's.

[stuartcr]

Since those guys are heros, the state should let them have more than one wife.

[CaptainK]

Why did these women allow their husbands to go alone to comfort the widows?. I would have tagged along, kids in tow, for every bereavement session.

[dwilli]

I would guess that some of these fiteman were flirting with or double-dipping with these women before 9/11.

Hang a couple of million dollars around their neck and the
infatuation rapidly turns to love.

[capydick]

Well, it is New York, after all. I wonder if this women supported and voted for the Xlinton's? Gotta be consistent ya know.