The Declaration of Dependence/Parody

The Declaration of Dependence

Article I. Because the citizens are stupid and dysfunctional and cannot manage their own lives the Government will now do so for you. The Constitution is now suspended. Article II. All guns, baseball bats, big sticks, numchucks, and slingshots must now be turned in, within seven (7) working days at your nearest Center to Enforce Compliance which is located at your police station. Article III. Cigarette smoking is now an act of terrorism that will be prosecuted in the United Nations World Court, and punishable by public stoning or beheading. Article IV. Your issue (sic: "children") are now property of the State. You have seven (7) working days to turn them into the nearest VI Lenin State Orphanage operated by the Ministry of Life Micro-Management. Report to the de-lousing chamber to make the transfer. Article V. All private property is now property of the State. You may lease back your home, car, furniture, and clothing from the State for an amount that will be calculated to be 438% of your current income. Article VI. All citizens must maintain compulsory insurance on all property that they do not own and which they lease back from the State, including clothing. Article VII. There will be NO SMOKING/ NO PETS in any residence. Officers of Compliance will conduct random spot checks and surveillance. Violators will be transferred to the nearest WHO internment camp for enforced "retraining." A sum equal to 742% of your income will be appropriated to reimburse the Gov't for the "re-training" that you didn't want in the first place. Article VIII. The Courts are now closed to the people. The Courts are for the sole use of the Gov't to prosecute the citizens for non-compliance issues. Article IX. All citizens will serve 10 hours each week of MANDATORY shopping time at Walmart and spend no less than 113% of their weekly income to nurture and reinforce government mandated addictive consumerism. Article XI. Independent thinking is now a felony punishable by a completely arbitrarily determined prison sentence. Article XII. All citizens must report for State imposed counseling, and will work vigilantly, in full cooperation, to: 1-discover why they are human, and 2- to vigilantly monitor any lapses of appropriate attitude and gratefulness to the Gov't. Article XIII. All people (outside of the Gov't) are now equal. To be fair to all, we will equalize to the lowest common denominator. Article XIV. Opposite sex co-habitation or marriage are now felony offenses that will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law in the United Nations World Court as subversive and treasonable offenses. Article XV. Any works of, or references to the deposed Constitution, Declaration of Independence (guffaw&), Bill of "Rights" (snigger&), American history as not written by John Dewey, the subversives Ward and June Cleaver, and Ozzie and Harriet Nelson, Norman Rockwell, or Mayberry are now declared articles of subversion and allusions to such will be a felony act of treason. Article XVI. All citizens must report for sexuality indoctrination. Article XVII. Members of the Gov't, the Legislatures, the Office of dependence Enforcement, Ministry of Life Micro-Management will be exempt from these laws.

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