 No Smoking |
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| Quotable |
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 You'd think you could shame them, wouldn't you?  |
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| - Karen Paape, mother of 16-year-old twins |
Posted on 08/02/2002 2:08:32 PM PDT by Cagey
West Bend - Karen Paape has a simple request of anyone who sees her twin 16-year-old sons smoking: Call the police.
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Angry that her sons Gavin and Bradley Belunes continue to smoke cigarettes, she snapped a couple of pictures of the boys, made up a flier and posted it at two gas stations near their West Bend home.
"If you see them smoking, please call the police on them. Signed, their loving parents," the poster says.
"I told them I was going to slap their mug all over the city," she told a reporter when asked about the posters. "You'd think you could shame them, wouldn't you?"
Mom's guerrilla tactics - which also include surprise inspections at friends' homes and a sniff test when her sons come through the door - don't sit well with at least one of the boys.
"I tore one of them up," Gavin said of the fliers, "and I joked it off with my friend, like I didn't care. But I'm pissed. I tried being honest with her, that I smoked, and then she does this."
Is all this tough love - executed in public - a good idea?
John Hyatt, assistant director of IMPACT Alcohol and Other Drug Abuse Services, isn't convinced. He called Paape's approach "interesting."
"I'm not sure I would necessarily recommend it," said Hyatt, whose firm runs a number of rehabilitation programs. "The reason I like it is it says she cares, that she is concerned and she's involved in her kids' lives."
But there are undoubtedly repercussions when you air family business in a public forum, he said. The fliers might result in a backlash, he said.
"It depends on the child and how that kid wants to read it, but it sounds like that is how one of the sons took it," Hyatt said. "What he got was, 'I don't trust you, and here is the length I will go to check up on you.' "
A parent must strike a delicate balance dealing with children, he said.
"If the choice is too much attention and maybe going too far or ignoring the situation, I'd err on the side of paying too much attention," he said.
A little public humiliation is better than allowing her kids to develop a lifelong smoking habit, said Paape, who lives with the boys along with their stepfather.
"I carried their little bodies for 81/2 months. I never let them go to a baby sitter or day care where there was secondhand smoke. And if they think for one minute they're going to smoke, they're wrong."
Local authorities are in her corner.
"It's a good tactic, because I've seen so many parents who enable their kids' behavior," Washington County District Attorney Todd Martens said. "I guess I'm an advocate of tough love. Getting to them young is the best."
Both boys agree they shouldn't be smoking - a habit they picked up when they were 12 - but make no promises they'll kick the habit.
Bradley said he smokes his Marlboros out of boredom.
"If there's nothing else to do, then I want a cigarette," he said, adding he's been playing more basketball to keep his mind off smoking.
Gavin said smoking helps keep his anger in check.
"I get angry too easy," he said. "If I see someone I don't like or I'm (mad) at something, I've got to have one."
Hearing his mother talking on the phone with a reporter, Gavin stormed out of the house and took his smokes and his brother with him.
"I had to have one, I was so mad," he said.
In the past, Paape has taken away things such as computer and television time when the boys have broken the rules, prompting Gavin's oft-repeated retort: "Smoking is the one thing you can't take away from me. You can't stop me."
Paape said she has good kids who can be a lot better if they give up their smoking habits.
"For the most part, they are doing the best they can. You can't expect them to be perfect. They're still kids," she said.
In the meantime, call the police if you have to, district attorney Martens said.
"Don't call the cops if they don't make their bed, but smoking as a teen is illegal, and it's just as good for a parent to call as for someone else."
LOL! Sounds like me ex-wife till she went off to college.
this silly cow may well have just alienated her sons for decades to come.
'course i'm just a heathen who's brought two male children not my own back from the edge of delinquency,
so please disregard everything i've said as the rantings of one of the 'infidels', k ??
Christian doesn't mean being a doormat as you seem to think... ----- I don't know where that comes from. Did I say you were acting like a doormat? Or am I the one acting like a doormat?
You cannot talk about how a Christian should behave since you obviously haven't studied the Bible. ----- I'm certain I haven't studied the Bible to the level you have, but I'm pretty sure I have a good idea of how a Christian should behave, or strive to behave. I may not be a Christian Fundamentalist, but I'm a Catholic. I just don't remember the part about how the best way to profess the faith being hitting someone with a sledgehammer when they don't agree with you. Let's not lose sight of the fact that YOU initiated the attack.
There is no debate here, there is you getting angrier and angrier, using profanity against me, and then saying I'm not Christian because I suggest that you are a lazy parent. ----- There is no debate here because you haven't acknowledged a single thing I've said. YOU initiated the attack. YOU started the name-calling. YOU were the person that lectured me about parenting without having the slightest knowledge regarding anything about me. Additionally, I have never doubted that you are a Christian, I stated that your behavior on this thread didn't seem very "christian". There is a difference.
The view that children are will always do bad things so we shouldn't even try to raise them properly IS a leftist view. It's a defeatist attitude. ----- I'd like you to point out exactly where I said that we shouldn't even try to raise children properly. I'm pretty sure I did say that kids are going to be kids, make mistakes and do things we would rather they didn't. I disagreed with the "put wanted posters out" stategy the lady in this article used because I don't think she accomplished anything worthwhile. Do you really think her kids are going to stop smoking because their mom put up signs? Do you not think these kids are going to be teased unmercilessly by their friends? Do you think there will be more or less peer pressure now that signs are up all over the neighborhood? And let's not forget, the kid in question went to his mother and told her what was going on. Do you suppose her "solution" will inspire him to do that again the next time something (alcohol, drugs, sex) comes along? These are real questions, and the answers are not going to be found by "because I said so".
Anyone who uses the term "judgemental" as an insult doesn't know what they're talking about. ----- "Judgemental" generally has a negative connotation. My pastor uses it all the time, I don't think he doesn't know what he's talking about. When you open up a dialogue by telling someone you don't know from Adam that they're a leftist and a lazy parent simply because you disagree, that's being judgmental.
Hey, if you don't want to respond, don't. I just think discussing the issue (i.e., the wanted posters of the kids) and the causes/solutions is more enlightening than being lectured.
You may respond, but you will be talking to yourself ----- I feel like I've been doing that already.
In the past, Paape has taken away things such as computer and television time when the boys have broken the rules, prompting Gavin's oft-repeated retort: "Smoking is the one thing you can't take away from me. You can't stop me."
Paape said she has good kids who can be a lot better if they give up their smoking habits.
"For the most part, they are doing the best they can. You can't expect them to be perfect. They're still kids," she said.
Maybe it's me. When I read that, it sounds to me like Mom knows these are teenagers being teenagers. That's why I wonder where the wanted poster thing comes in. Do you want them to smoke? No, of course not. But here's my question, what exactly are you supposed to do? Does anyone think there is a punishment available that is going to stop kids from smoking if they really want to?
I'm not saying give them permission, and I even agree with making it difficult to continue their habit. But I just see this poster business as a no-win deal. The mother freely admits she's trying to shame them, and I just don't see how that is in the best interest of the parent/child relationship. I know that I would remember for a long time that my Mom went out of her way to embarass me in my town, in front of my friends, and now, in the newspaper. I just don't think that's what a parent is needed for. Guide, advise, teach, set an example and help pick up the pieces when things go wrong, yes. Develop an adversarial relationship that takes years to get past? I just don't see how that's the way to go. Don't you want your children to know they can count on you?
That would be a long time healing. The kids is 16, and at 18 the issue of whether or not he's allowed to smoke is going to be moot. Would this heal in two years? I don't know. That's really all I was trying to say.
My son learned early on that if he misbehaved in WalMart, I just might break out into song and dance in the aisles, just to draw attention to his bad behavior and his crazy mom.
Never had much problem with him in public, imagine that.
What this mother is doing to stop her boys from smoking will certainly not hurt the boys, but my guess is that it probably won't change their behavior, either. She isn't risking destroying the relationship with them, because the relationship is already bad. They don't seem to respect her. If they did, then she wouldn't need the posters.
I'm curious: where is the father? Fathers can usually enforce discipline more effectively than mothers. No offense to mothers, it's just that boys, expecially at that age, need a strong male to model behavior and teach them respect for the rules of the house.
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