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Posted on 02/06/2005 8:31:36 AM PST by snippy_about_it
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 are acknowledged, affirmed and commemorated.
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| Our Mission: The FReeper Foxhole is dedicated to Veterans of our Nation's military forces and to others who are affected in their relationships with Veterans. In the FReeper Foxhole, Veterans or their family members should feel free to address their specific circumstances or whatever issues concern them in an atmosphere of peace, understanding, brotherhood and support. The FReeper Foxhole hopes to share with it's readers an open forum where we can learn about and discuss military history, military news and other topics of concern or interest to our readers be they Veteran's, Current Duty or anyone interested in what we have to offer. If the Foxhole makes someone appreciate, even a little, what others have sacrificed for us, then it has accomplished one of it's missions. We hope the Foxhole in some small way helps us to remember and honor those who came before us.
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 How to Simulate Life in the Army 1. Dig a big hole in your back yard and live in it for 30 days straight. 2. Go inside only to clean the house. On weekends, you can eat in the house, but you can't talk. 3. Pour 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your hole, then shovel it out, stack sandbags around it and cover it with a sheet of old plywood. 4. Fill a backpack with 50 pounds of kitty litter. Never take it off outdoors. Jog everywhere you go. 5. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the most run down trashy bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold. 6. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower. 7. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn the water pressure in your shower down to a trickle, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it up so hard it peels skin. On Saturdays and Sundays declare to your entire family that they can't use the shower in order to keep it clean for inspection. 8. Go inside and make your bed every morning. Have your wife tear the blankets off at random during the day. Re-make the bed each time until it is time to go back outside and sleep in your hole. 9. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Get up! Get up! You are moving too slow! Get down and do push-ups!" 10. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 6am and read it to you. 11. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock yourself out of the bathroom for 12 hours. Hang a sign on the bathroom door that says, "Unserviceable." 12. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's ok for you to leave your house before 5pm. 13. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over. Have them all dig holes in your yard to live in. After 30 days, fill in the holes and wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home as you set out for a 25 mile walk and After-Action-Review. 14. Shower with above-mentioned friends. 15. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.). 16. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes. Write down on a piece of paper everything you want the shop to fix the next time you bring the car in. Give your wife the list to throw away. 17. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours with the windows down before going anywhere. Tune the radio to static and monitor it while letting the car run. If it is cold outside, don't run the heat. Sleep on the hood or roof of your car. 18. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3 times a day, whether they need it or not. 19. Repaint your entire house once a month. Paint white rings around all the trees in your neighborhood. Paint all curbs yellow. Paint all rocks red. 20. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on. 21. Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, and allow each pot to sit 5 hours before drinking. 22. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item. 23. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel when you are inside to eat. Tune the tint on the TV to green. 24. Avoid watching your green tinted TV with the exception of movies which are played in the middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one. 25. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears. 26. Sew big pockets to the legs of your pants. Don't use them. 27. Spend 2 weeks sleeping in holes in your neighbor's lawns and call it a deployment. 28. Spend a year sleeping in holes in your local area and call it world travel. 29. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted. 30. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your co-workers. 31. Blast heavy metal music on your stereo and conduct Ranger PT, grass drills, and sprints on your front lawn after your neighbors have gone to bed. 32. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their fighting positions. Don't let them eat or sleep again for two days. 33. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the pantry and refrigerator. 34. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more so they just ask for hot dogs. 35. When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off. 36. In the middle of January, place a gate at the end of your street. Have your family stand watches at the gate, rotating at 4-hour intervals. 37. Make your family live with you in your hole for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for "block leave." When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been canceled due to the fact that they need to get ready for Individual Skill Certification, and that it will be another week before they can go back into the house. 38. In your hole (refer to #1), with 200 of your not-so-closest friends (see para. 13), get the flu. 39. Sleep in a thicket of blackberries or rose bushes. Tie a string to your foot that runs to the house. Have your wife yank on the string about 3 hours after you go to sleep. Crawl out of the bushes and go to the house to see what she wants. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble "Just making sure you're okay." 40. Do not sleep from 1:00 a.m. Monday mornings until 3 p.m. Wednesday afternoons. Tie a branch around your neck and chew on sand to stay awake. 41. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, dig a trench into your hole so that it fills up with water. During the worst part of the storm, get out of your hole and go for a 12 mile walk. 42. Don't change your socks for a week. After they disintegrate off with pieces of your feet, put on an unbroken pair of new boots and go for a 12 mile walk. 43. For mechanized infantry or armor types: leave the lawn mower running next to your hole 24 hours a day. When you get an opportunity to sleep in your house, put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high. 44. Have the paperboy give you a haircut. 45. Set up a port-a-potty in the corner of your yard. Once a week, have the service truck back into your yard and pump it out. Make sure the wind carries the smell into your neighbors house. Ignore his complaints. 46. Every other month pull every single possession you own out of your house and line everything up on your lawn from smallest to largest, front to back. Count everything and write it down to file with your insurance company. Give your wife the list to throw away. 47. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car. 48. Buy a trash can, but don't use it. Store the garbage in your hole. 49. Get up every night around midnight and stroll around your yard to "check the perimeter." 50. Run the garden hose to your hole and turn it on. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. Jump up and get dressed as fast as you can. Run out into the backyard and get in your hole. 51. Once a month, take apart every major appliance in your home and put them back together again. 52. Build a scale model of your yard. Make your children draw sketches of it including little arrows indicating what they are going to do when they go out to play. Post these sketches on a bulletin board for reference. 53. Remove the insulation and widen the frames of your front and back doors so that no matter how tight you shut the door, the weather will still get inside. 54. Every so often, throw the cat in front of your hole and shout "Enemy in the wire! Fire Claymores!" Then run into the house cut off the circuit breaker. Yell at the wife and kids for violating security and not maintaining good noise and light discipline. 55. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go sit in your car. Say to no one in particular "Lost-One, this is Lost-Three, are you lost too, over?" Sit there for three or four hours with the engine running. Say again to no one in particular "Negative contact, Lost-Three out." Roll up your headphones and paper cup and place them in a box.      |
Real NCOs
Can cuss for ten minutes without ever repeating a word.
Have a spine.
Can play a cherry Lieutenant like a finely tuned instrument.
Can see in the Dark.
Have eyes in the back of their heads.
Still don't trust the Russians.
Still hate the French.
Don't know how to be politically correct.
Don't give a damn about being politically correct.
Think that "politically correct" should fall under sodomy" in the UCMJ.
Love deployments because there is less paperwork and more "real" work.
Can run a 4 miles with a hangover, but can't pass a tape test.
Do not fear women in the military.
Would actually like to date G.I. Jane.
Still know how to use a buffer.
Can tell you anything you want to know about an M1911A1 even though they are no longer in the inventory.
Believe that they do have a rendezvous with destiny.
Believe that "Nuts" wasn't all that Brigadier General McAuliffe said to the Germans at Bastogne.
Don't know how to use a "stress card."
Idolize John Wayne.
Don't believe that AAFES really needs a "commander."
Would have paid money to see Custer getting his clock cleaned.
Really don't like taking shit from those who haven't" been there."
Know how to properly construct a field latrine.
Know how to do a daisy chain.
Knows that a daisy chain is not a sex act.
Might admire the Germans, but still realize they got their asses kicked.
Aren't afraid of the Chinese, who probably don't have enough rowboats to invade Taiwan.
Would rather be OPFOR than MOPP 4.
Don't believe a damn thing the Iraqis say.
Don't need a GPS to find themselves.
Have enough BDU's in their closet to start a surplus store.
Think that MRE's taste good. (with a little hot sauce)
Are convinced that "wall-to-wall" counseling really works.
Have more time on the front-line than most others have in the chow line.
Know how to make coffee when the measuring scoop goes missing.
Know that it's not good coffee when you can see through it.
Don't blame poor marksmanship on their M-16.
Know that shitty leaders will always say they have shitty soldiers.
The Chief of Staff of the Army asked his Sergeant Major, who was both Ranger and Special Forces qualified, which organization he would recommend to form a new anti-terrorist unit. The Sergeant Major responded to the General's question with this parable: If there were a hijacked DELTA 747 being held by terrorists along with its passengers and crew and an anti-terrorist unit formed either by the Rangers or the Special Forces was given a Rescue/Recovery Mission; what would you expect to happen?
Ranger Option
Forces/Equipment Committed: If the Rangers went in, they would send a Ranger company of 120 men with standard army issue equipment.
Mission Preparation: The Ranger Company First Sergeant would conduct a Hair Cut and boots inspection.
Infiltration Technique: They would insist on double timing, in company formation, wearing their combat equipment, and singing Jody cadence all the way to the site of the hijacked aircraft.
Actions in the Objective Area: Once they arrived, the Ranger company would establish their ORP, put out security elements, conduct a leaders recon, reapply their face cammo, and conduct final preparations for Actions on the OBJ.
Results of Operation: The Rescue/Recovery Operation would be completed within one hour; all of the terrorists and most of the passengers would have been killed, the Rangers would have sustained light casualties and the DELTA 747 probably would be worthless to anyone except a scrap dealer.
Special Forces Option
Forces/Equipment Committed: If Special Forces went in, they would send only a 12 man team (all SF units are divisible by 12 for some arcane historical reason) however, due to the exotic nature of their equipment the SF Team would cost the same amount to deploy as the Ranger Company.
Mission Preparation: The SF Team Sergeant would request relaxed grooming standards for the team.
Infiltration Technique: The team would insist on separate travel orders with Max Per Diem, and each would get to the site of the hijacking by his own means. At least one third of the team would insist on jumping in.
Actions in the Objective Area: Once they arrived , the SF Team would cache their military uniforms, establish a Team Room, use their illegal Team Fund to stock the unauthorized Team Room Bar, check out the situation by talking to the locals, and have a Team Meeting to discuss the merits of the terrorists' cause.
Results of Operation: The Rescue/Recovery Operation would take two weeks to complete and by that time all of the terrorists would have been killed, (and would have left signed confessions); most of the passengers would be ruined psychologically for the remainder of their lives; and all of the women passengers would be pregnant. The DELTA 747 would be essentially unharmed, the team would have taken no casualties but would have used up, lost or stolen all the "high speed" equipment issued to them.
ROFLMAO
Don't know how to use a "stress card."
Stress Card. Right. I wonder what wuss thought that one up.
You have to stop yelling at me I've got a stress card, so you just better stop!
When I first heard about that one, I knew we were in trouble.
You got to see this
Bin Laden filmmaker sues Michael Moore
http://freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1337489/posts
I knew a couple of lifers that could/WOULD tell you in great and graphic and obscene detail just where you could go and what you could do with a stress card.
LOL! Good! I hope he wins big time too.
Ain't no beans and if yur ain't sweatin' it ain't Texas Chili!
We always bless our food so my guests survived my Tejas chili. California people have such interesting ways of describing things . . . LOL!
I know you're not an NFL fan and these Superbowls have really become corporate orgies but this year God and Country came first with the pregame program . . . and the use of Westpoint, Naval Academy and Air Force Academy choir members to sing the Star Spangle Banner brought tears to my eyes.
And it was a serious butt kicking game. I'm so glad I don't get hit like that anymore.
Agree with you there but I need beans in my chili.
Sounds like it was a good game. ;-)
LOL.
Dang, these must be true, they describe you perfectly!
LOL.
Good news on both!
I'm going to guess you mean you played football?
:-)
This tv show was a comedy series about a con man Army Sergeant who used his position as leader of a motor pool to earn money via various underhanded schemes. He regularly ran illegal poker games, would sell Army tires and other supplies to local mechanics, etc. Sgt. Bilko's commander, Colonel Hall is constantly trying to catch Bilko and comes close but is never successful.
This site has the complete casting and episode list for the 1955-9 seasons.
I watched Bilko on the Philco.
Thirty years ago up in the mountains in Carson Forest a friend's two hundred acres was the scene of several cabins with stories.
Rudy was an Army lifer with more stories than Bilko.
He and an Army buddy had contrived to get inside the base warehouse where overnight they loaded the liquor for the officers club onto a deuce and a quarter, then drove it out in the morning, with all the booze.
He had lots of those stories, but ran out of liver and died before they could all be told.
Tehran is terrified by Bush's pronunciamento.
Cheney says we're pursuing the diplomatic angle, but he can't guarantee those wascally Iswaelis won't act yoo-nih-laterally.
Khatami is in full-throated Ceausescu mode, being the very model of a dead man talking.
A hundred years ago for dem Tiguhs of LSU.
Recipe in FReepmail.
BTT!!!!!!
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