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Posted on 04/18/2026 8:55:59 AM PDT by CondoleezzaProtege
"As a pastor for over thirty years, I am amazed that such a small percentage of the children of Christian parents actually serve the Lord when they reach their teenage years and beyond, including the children of Christian leaders."
"In summary, these are just some of my observations which seem to ensure the backslidden or lukewarm condition of a child raised in a Christian home. However, there are always exceptions to these observations. Some children can go on to fulfill their purpose in Christ with passion in spite of the hindrances of their parents."
"Also, as parents we can do everything correctly and not violate any of the above points, and yet still find our children struggling in their faith. This article is not meant to bring condemnation to parents, but to awaken us to our responsibilities as we cooperate with the Holy Spirit in the nurturing of our children."
- Many Christian parents often do not emotionally connect with their children
- Many Christian parents don’t intentionally pray with their families as a habit in their households
- Many Christian parents live a compromised life at home
- Many fathers show more enthusiasm for sports than for seeking God
- Many Christian parents have a superficial understanding of God and their faith
- Many children rarely see their parents seeking God earnestly and consistently
- Many Christian parents don’t spend quality time with their children
- Many Christian parents constantly nag their children
- Many Christian parents are too legalistic or religious with their children
(Excerpt) Read more at josephmattera.org ...
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A commenter added: "I thought this was good but I believe there was one point that was missed. Many children see their parents hurt by people in church."
Many Christian parents… don’t know that when the die and meet God, they must account for the education of their children in all things, God first
So a parenting approach that is very loose, irreligious and dissolute is better.
Got it.
The law.
Children need to taught salvation by grace without the law (Ephesians 2:8-9). THAT is the true gospel.
As much as a Christian parent tries, it is ultimately the choice of their children to serve the Lord or not. My sister has three sons - two are believers and one is an atheist (or so he says). In other words, there is no pat solution as the author says, although I do find that I was a too legalistic when my daughters were young. I chalk that up to immaturity as I was in my young 20s when they were born, and I still feel bad about it.
My social media feeds are full of testimony from young adults with Christian backgrounds describing their feelings of peace and sanctuary the first time they enter (or return to) a Catholic church.
“I have set before you an open door, which no one is able to shut.” (Rev 3:8)
He missed one if the biggest reasons. Divorce.
Gee, I don’t know what we did wrong.
All of our kids attend church,!one is employed part time by her church and married a missionary. Two volunteer heavily for a Christian adventure organization. One of those is marrying a girl who works for a well known ministry. Another worked for a Christian publisher.
We’re very far from legalistic.
Some friends were the opposite.. I know two of their kids have rejected Christianity. One of them is a very successful young author but because they are explicitly Christian books they refuse to read them. Sad.
I’ve worshipped for many years with devout Protestants who came out of the catholic church, desscribing the horrros of their experience there and grieving over family members who remain.
I’ve worshipped for many years with devout Protestants who came out of the catholic church, desscribing the horrros of their experience there and grieving over family members who remain.
On his list there is nothing about what the church and ministers are doing wrong or not doing. I have seen young girls wear short skirts and nothing from the minister. Nothing centering around boys, particularly raised by a single mom. Too many ministers are not head of their own households.
Huh?
Some friends were the opposite.. I know two of their kids have rejected Christianity. One of them is a very successful young author but because they are explicitly Christian books they refuse to read them. Sad.
I’m only reporting what I see every day on social media.
They all seem to describe Protestantism as somewhat bland and unfulfilling..ymmv.
Conservative parents send their children to public schools and they are surprised?
A lot of Protestant churches are that, and many offensive to the gospel,not unlike the pope including Allah worshipping Moslems as woshippers of the true God(I guess that’s what he’s doing). But a Bible believing church with expository preaching will never be described as bland to a believer, for it is focused on the very word of God, sharper than any two edged sword piercing even to the dividing asunder of the soul and the spirit and of the joints and the marrow and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.
bump for later
They were highly legalistic and their kids rebelled. We are not legalistic and our kids adopted out faith.
While I agree with Joseph Mattera on the points he made, I feel that he barely touched upon the real reason in the last reason he posted.
“Many Christian parents are too legalistic or religious with their children”
I don’t think parents can be too religious, but they can be too legalistic. Keep in mind, Jesus taught Love rather than the Pharisaic rigid legalism. He came to save, not to judge.
I have performed research in developmental psychology for about 30 years and found that soul development follows a continuum as age progresses. This is based upon many thousands of cases, working with children of all ages.
First is dependency, when a child is born. They rely on their parent to feed, shelter and protect them. This is a period where the child attaches themselves onto the parents to survive and their individual values are those of the parents. This is very evident when you look at the research on the “Spiritual Lives of Children.” This is the first emotional child development stage. It’s where the emotional subconscious is programmed.
Beginning about age eight, logical consciousness begins to develop. This is roughly third grade when the children learn long division and multiplication. The development of logical consciousness continues and is the basis for developing a sense of self identity, the basis for how they view and perceive the world around them. I joke that this stage reaches it’s pinnacle at age 16 when the “hire the 16 year old while they still know it all,” applies!
The euphoria of a 16 year old is based upon the internal feeling of consciousness being stabilized in a sense of self identity. There is a lot of turmoil in a child’s consciousness between ages 8 and 16 when they are constantly switching between varying degrees of dependency and self identity.
When I teach this concept in workshops, I use the example of a young child learning to ride a to wheel bike. The parent runs along the child and holds onto them. If they do that too long, the child learns to lean on the parent rather than finding their own balance. Letting go early, but being right their as a safety net is important. When the parent lets go, the bicycle wobbles as the child tries to find their own sense of balance. This is exactly what happens to a teenager’s consciousness as they are making the transition from childhood dependency to self identity.
If the child continues to focus on the parent or not start moving forward, the bicycle usually falls over. However, if the child focuses on a tree down the road, they quickly find their balance and move forward.
This is why individual goals are critically important to guide a child through this teenage transition stage. They are the beacon that keeps them moving forward. I’ve had schools ask me to come in and do programs for the students who were constantly in trouble and rebelling against their parents and society. (Purple hair and tattoos) I explain that teenage rebellion is like walking through life backward, pushing off of the other person, and never being able to focus on their own goals. They need individual goals to focus upon.
Rigid legalism keeps a child in dependency and following the rules blocks their development of individual identity. I’ve worked with many children of parents who parented with strict religious legalism, and when the children leave the nest such as becoming freshmen in college, they are free from the parent and the rules, and attach to a peer group, respond to peer pressure, and develop a group identity as they are not yet ready to find their individual identities. (I have found this to be very true in the gay and lesbian communities in college as they are very, very self validating peer groups.)
The prefrontal cortex of the brain that is responsible for advanced analytical thought processing does not fully develop until about age 25. This is when the self identity is solidified. Many people never reach this stage of brain development.
The key to raising good Christian children is to allow them to develop a sense of self early while still with the parent household, where the consequences of error are not as severe. These years are very valuable for shifting from dependency to self identity.
While they have their individual goals, the ultimate goal is to stay focused upon God. By making sure that individual goals align with God’s Will for us, it keeps a person’s life on track. It also blocks us from forming a great ego that must be diminished, (a very painful experience) as we move forward toward a personal relationship with God.
The second most valuable thing influencing developing children are the values of the peer groups that the parents guide their children to join. Christian youth groups and the Boy & Girl Scouts where the parents are actively involved help the children pass through this developmental stage with minimal difficulty. This assures that peer group values align with Christian values.
When children are allowed to develop a self identity while still in high school, their moral and spiritual values are a part of who they are (their individual identity), and are followed whether with the parent or apart. Their morals and values are their own and not imposed upon them. These morals and values stay with them wherever they are.
One major item the author missed is the parents who allow their children to become “entitled.” This entitlement keeps them in dependency and blocks them from ever developing an individual identity. The resistance they encounter and overcome early in life is critical as a lesson facilitating individual development.
I could write an entire book just on this period of development that is quite different than the psychology books out there now.
By the way, ego development and a sense of self identity is a necessary step in growing spiritually. It is the vessel or stepping stone where you take the power over your individual will away from others and own it yourself. You cannot surrender your individual will to God internally if someone else is holding the power over your will externally.
The concept of “dying daily” is the process of diminishing this individual ego identity, built up as a person left dependency. As the ego gets crushed, it leads to the dark-night-of-the-soul experience that is the window one must crawl through to find and experience God within yourself. (This is the reason that tribulation is critically important to get people ready to find and experience God.)
Incidentally, another period of euphoria is experienced when a person exits the dark-night-of-the-soul experience. The problem is that a secondary trap exists in that if you think you are someone special for having experienced God, you tend to develop a spiritual ego and play God, fooling yourself that you are doing God’s work. The real experience of God is only maintained by totally surrendering to God and being His servant, wherever it leads you. Self must die. This is the reason humility is critically important.
One of the best tools for healthy development of children is to give them privileges that are tied to responsibilities. These increase with age, at each birthday, beginning at age two, all the way until they leave the nest. At age two, my children were responsible to come to breakfast dressed. Of course they would have clothing on backwards and inside out, but they learned and their were no fights to get them up and around. This was their responsibility. The consequences of not getting dressed and coming to the breakfast table on time were twofold, they would be taken to daycare in their pajamas, and they would be required to go to bed a half hour earlier that evening so they could get up on time the next day. This teaches individual responsibility and consequences of actions at a very early age. This carries through life as a valuable individual attribute.
Consistency and sincereity of faith are key. 80+ of people sitting in pews are there for social programs or because they think going to church alone will keep their kids out of trouble. I’ve been in leadership at several large churches and when it came time to find men qualified for leadership it was always difficult. That’s because most of the people actually in church really don’t believe or they never moved beyond a rudimentary understanding of their faith.
If you aren’t regularly talking to and about God in your home, you shouldn’t be surprised when they don’t become Christians as adults.
Regarding this article... explain Satan vs. Jesus and Cain vs. Able, Satan convinced one third of the hosts of heaven to follow him, and Cain slew Able, his brother.
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