Posted on 12/27/2020 9:24:29 AM PST by SeekAndFind
Ask any random group of ten elderly couples about their marriage, and half of them will probably say something like this: “We were high school sweethearts, tied the knot soon after graduation, worked our way up from nothing, had kids, and here we are. Being married made us who we are today.”
Beneath these stories is a view of marriage as a foundation of life, a starting point for other goals. Today, this view has been replaced by a different one, what some call the “capstone” view of marriage. In the “capstone” view, marriage is a finishing touch to add to a life after individual careers have been achieved, personal goals have been checked off, and we’ve discovered “who we are.”
This massive shift in our ideas about marriage has all kinds of consequences, from delaying weddings (for many people, into their 30’s) to cratering the fertility rate in most developed nations to normalizing premarital sex and cohabitation. Still, the most consequential changes might be occurring within the Church.
University of Texas sociologist Mark Regnerus tracks these changes in his new book, The Future of Christian Marriage. Regnerus not only described his findings to Shane Morris on the Upstream Podcast, but he also described the dramatic steps that will be required if a culture of marriage is to be restored within the Church.
The Future of Christian Marriage features interviews with numerous Christian young people from seven countries. By being both forward-looking and firmly planted in history, Regnerus traces how marriage went from a natural institution bound up with childbearing and blessed by the Church to one that is now, like so many other things in our culture, determined by adult desires and largely defined (or should I say redefined?) by the state.
One of the most counterintuitive findings in The Future of Christian Marriage is that Christian young people around the world still have a recognizably biblical ideal for what marriage should be. Those he interviewed typically mentioned the idea of a lifelong union of man and woman. Often, they talked about how marriage is a picture of Christ and His Church, as Paul teaches in Ephesians 5. Many even mentioned that children are part of God’s design for marriage.
Tragically, far fewer practice, or even try to practice, this design. The average age at first marriage is nearing historic highs in nearly every country Regnerus studied, and cohabitation is quickly becoming a common lifestyle choice, even for young people within the Church.
So, how did we get here? According to Regnerus, it’s complicated. Economic factors, the growing expectation that women will work outside of the home, the normalization of birth control and the resulting “cheapening” of sex, and the overall removing of children from the picture have all changed, not only our behavior, but how we think about marriage. Even more, Regnerus suggests that young people, including Christian young people, just aren’t that into marriage. In fact, an increasing number is willing to put it off indefinitely.
Here’s what he writes in the book:
“The focus of twentysomethings has become less about building mature relationships and fulfilling responsibilities and more about enjoying oneself, traveling, and trying on identities and relationships…We now get ourselves ready for marriage, rather than marry to get ourselves poised to accomplish common objectives—a home, a job, a family. Instead, marriage itself has become one of those objectives, an accomplishment signaling that [we] have ‘made it.’”*
This is new. Historically, marriage was never considered an optional feature of the Church’s life, nor was it a trophy you won after reaching “adulthood.” God clearly calls some to the single life and elevates their potential for ministry. At the same time, marriage is the picture the Apostle Paul uses when to illustrate the love between Jesus and His redeemed. Marriage reorients our energies and affections away from ourselves and toward others in a way nothing else, other than parenting, can.
If we want Christian marriage to have a future, we’ll need to change this capstone view. Much of the problem that Regnerus describes in The Future of Christian Marriage is a failure of the imagination and the inability to see marriage as attainable. Among the ambitious and surprising suggestions Regnerus offers is to make sure our kids hear the kind of stories older couples often tell. It’s not “rocket surgery” to conclude we need to begin by telling the next generation the truth about marriage.
I’ll link you to The Future of Marriage, Mark Regnerus’ insightful new book, and his fascinating interview on the Upstream podcast at BreakPoint.org.
*Mark Regnerus, The Future of Christian Marriage, p. 38
I have been married 41 years with four children and two granddaughters. At my place in life today, if I didn’t have them I’d just be another pile of dog crap in the cantaloupe patch.
Why get married when you can have kids with total control of the kids and the government funds you?
The wheel of marriage offered fidelity and disease control as a by product.
It’s one of many for many reasons , all well thunk out.
In the absence of the Christian wheels of philosophy we are but cattle.
DJT recognizes this, thusly, he and the hub of America are under attack.
As the saying goes, this war is for the soul of America and western man.
Now that made me laugh! I hear you, too. I have three kids and no grandkids yet.
The evil one hates God’s created order. Where God says, “be fruitful and multiply,” the evil one says, “there are too many of you.” Where God says, “fill the earth and subdue it,” the evil one says, “let the earth and its creatures run your life.”
We have never been assured the evil one will not have minions who appear powerful and successful, but we have been assured that God wins in the end. There are only two sides. Those who know and believe they are God’s creatures, accountable to Him, and those who want to be their own and everyone else’s boss.
“ One of the most counterintuitive findings in The Future of Christian Marriage is that Christian young people around the world still have a recognizably biblical ideal for what marriage should be. Those he interviewed typically mentioned the idea of a lifelong union of man and woman. Often, they talked about how marriage is a picture of Christ and His Church, as Paul teaches in Ephesians 5. Many even mentioned that children are part of God’s design for marriage.”
It’s counterintuitive for these people-and I use the term loosely- to see that people still believe in God, the Creator’s rules for our peace and happiness.
Wow
“It’s counterintuitive for these people-and I use the term loosely- to see that people still believe in God, the Creator’s rules for our peace and happiness.”
If I am understanding your point correctly, I think the author’s point is that it is surprising that many young people still talk the talk despite not walking the walk.
This is a typical Evangelical worldview posing as Biblical but is actually a very materialist/utilitarian 1950s stranglehold stripping marriage of any of its sacramentality and spiritual significance. And it’s this sort of cold pragmatic outlook on marriage that understandably lay the groundwork for the extreme backlash of “free love” and feminism experienced in the 60s.
For me, the above article hints at exactly the kind verbiage that solidified my confirmation into the Catholic Church and leaving the cultural confines of American Evangelicalism.
If we want Christian marriage to have a future, we’ll need to change this capstone view. Much of the problem...
Um. Hello? Study Genesis! Marriage IS the *capstone* of Creation. The pinnacle of the Genesis account before the fall. We as Adams and Eves are ultimately our own individual selves before God, even before becoming one flesh to each other. And there is nothing anti-Christian about realizing one’s purpose and calling before God without marriage in the picture. Singleness is not just some damned state of being and no you are not limited to “ministry” or a life of missionary work. 🙄 The vast majority of people are indeed called toward marriage but it is not supposed to be the end all, be all of our life’s focus.
It’s actually the Protestant worldview even more than the secular that has made celibacy out to be such a dirty concept. And the Protestant view that’s made such an idol of the unitive, social/physical dimension of marriage at the expense of the spiritual.
And for all his grief the writer expresses about infertility, is not MARRIED Evangelical couples using birth control without any misgivings?!
Screw the church.
Men This is simple. It’s all about HER !!
Make her coffee. And tea
Rub her legs and feet
Take care of chores and business
Flatter her. Let her know how important she is
Back her up when it comes to the kids
Make sure she has time for herself and girlfriends
Ok boys. Add on !
Everything you wrote has to be mutual. It can’t be a one way street.
I’ve been married almost 44 years and we have kids and grandkids everywhere also. For me, it worked out grand.
But a holy union that has turned into marrying your dog or whiskbroom isn’t worth very much.
It is a senseless paper. Young people know what marriage is. He says that’s counterintuitive. No it is not. The reason for the destruction in marriage has to go to a spiritual problem as that is the end result of no marriage- a faithless society. That is where any honest study on the subject should go. These articles just blame young people. As if they screeed up society instead of the baby boomers.
The question is why, if so many young people believe in marriage, is marriage not a priority for them. Why doesn’t the writer ask?
Anyone serious about the subject has to go to the philosophical study published in 1968 that predicted all of this.
All do respect, but Trump is a perfect example of what marriage is not.
He has no respect for the institution
Respectfully, in my mind he is by far the best choice we have today.
The opposition is teeming, full of marxist muslims bent on the destruction of America.
There hasn’t been a stronger more capable republican to put forth a better agenda than President Trump.
Fortunately, the devil you have is probably better than the one we could get.... and after all, he is but a man.
Good questions.
As to why marriage is not a priority for many young people, I think some has to do with people wanting to get education and settled into careers before committing to marriage.
Part of it has to do with people focusing on “soulmates” and “can’t live without him/her” feelings for someone, before they would get married. Our grandparents and great grandparents didn’t talk about “soulmates” and all of that sort of thing, in evaluating marriage partners.
Part of it could well be people prefer to just live together, as that status has lost its stigma. Living together gives people certain benefits of marriage without the responsibilities tied to being legally married to someone. Some people may live together as a step towards marriage, but never take that final step, again because there is no stigma any longer to living with someone.
“ Our grandparents and great grandparents didn’t talk about “soulmates” and all of that sort of thing, in evaluating marriage partners”
You think that’s the difference? Really?
Not disagreeing with you, but Trump is not a good example of marriage. He is the opposite. It is another luxury good to him.
This guy needs to see some old movies. It is well documented over time that two generations ago a man was expected to become successful and own his own home before he asked another man for his daughter's hand in marriage.
They way I did it was as he said of old couples nowadays, I knew of my future wife in elementary school a class behind me. I even remember my future Mother-in-law arriving one day in front of the school in a brand new VW bug, the first in our tiny community. Years later I went on a "blind" date with the most gorgeous woman in the world and we were married less than two months later. We have been together for 46 years and counting.
That was not the standard in 1880 or even the early 1900's. Successful men back then waited until they were established and then had the pick of young women in a close knit community. I suspect the World Wars began to tear down the old established way of seeing things with the urgency of getting on with life and a quick change back to "normalcy."
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