Posted on 06/29/2017 7:47:51 AM PDT by Salvation
Almost two decades ago, as a younger priest, I remember trying to save a marriage. Sadly, by the second counseling session I concluded that the couple really had no intention of trying to save the marriage. Rather, they were looking to me to assuage their guilt and to console them by telling them they were really “doing the right thing,” that God wanted them to be happy and would not mind if they divorced. I could do no such thing.
At a critical moment the couple said, in effect, “We are really doing this for the sake of the children. We don’t want them to suffer with all of our bickering.” To which I replied, “Then stop the bickering!” As they looked at me incredulously, I went on to urge them to get whatever help they needed to work through their differences. I insisted that God hates divorce and that divorce is not good for children; reconciliation is what they want and need.
Realizing that they were not going to get the approval and consolation they sought, the couple ended the session and did not return. They finalized their divorce. Their three children went on to be subject to things far worse than bickering: being carted around to different households on weekends, meeting Dad’s new girlfriend, accepting a stepdad, always secretly wishing that Mom and Dad would love each other again.
I thought of that story (and others like it) as I was reading this book, published in May: Primal Loss: The Now Adult Children of Divorce Speak, by Leila Miller. It should be required reading for anyone who thinks that divorce is “good thing” for their children—or even for them.
Consider the following passage from the book, in which a woman writes of suffering through her parent’s divorce during her youth:
My grandparents’ generation had to deal with a lot — war, undiagnosed PTSD, and alcoholism—but they had a noble idea: That you sacrificed your own happiness for your children’s well-being. You took on all the heartache so they didn’t have to. …
My parent’s generation inverted that. They decided it was better a child should have her world torn apart than that an adult should bear any suffering. Of course, they didn’t frame it that way. They wanted to believe that the child would suffer less, because children were just extensions of the mother, and the mother would theoretically be happier [p. 131].
It is shocking logic, but widespread in our culture. Indeed, the whole conversation about marriage today is about adults and what makes them happy; children are something of an afterthought. Marriage is said to be about romance, being happy, and “finding a soulmate.” But if one asks a couple about having children, a common response is, “Oh sure, that too. We’ll probably have a kid or two … when we’re ready.” Children are seen more as a way of accessorizing the marriage, as an “add-on” rather than the essential work of a marriage.
Yet the biblical and traditional understanding of marriage has its entire structure made sensible by its central work: procreation and the subsequent raising of the children. That a man and a woman should enter a stable, lifelong union makes sense because that is what is necessary and best for children. Marriage is about children and has its very structure directed toward what is best for them. Physically, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually, a child is best raised by a father and a mother who are stably present and who manifest the masculine and feminine genius of being human. To intentionally subject children to anything less or anything different does them an injustice.
The divorce culture casts this aside and insists that marriage is about adults and what makes them happy. If there are children in the picture, don’t worry, they’ll adjust; kids are resilient. Or so the thinking goes.
Leila Miller has done a wonderful service in showing that children are not so resilient after all. In fact, even long after attaining adulthood, these victims of their parents’ divorces still suffer painful and lasting effects. Ms. Miller interviewed 70 adult children of divorce and let them speak for themselves.
Many were surprised that anyone was interested or even cared about what they thought or had experienced. One of the more common experiences shared was a “we’re not going to talk about the divorce” mentality. Never mind the awkwardness of Mom and Dad marrying others. We’re supposed to go along with the drastic changes and be delighted, happily accept new siblings, and call some man “Dad” (or some woman “Mom”) who really isn’t. We want to make sure that no one’s feelings get hurt, so we’re all going to be nice and pleasant. The unspoken message in this is that the feelings of the children matter less and must be sacrificed so that others—mainly adults—can be happy and “get on with their lives.”
Some who have read this book say, “Finally, someone understands.” Or “Wow, that’s just how I feel!” The powerful, articulate testimonies in it will help those who had to live through divorce to name and understand their own hurts and feelings, not merely so as to brood or to reopen old wounds, but to the bring them to the light and seek deeper healing.
I cannot recommend this book enough. It is a healing for those who have suffered and, I pray, a strong medicine to prevent divorce. As Christians, let’s remember that God designed marriage to be what is best for children. The truest happiness any father or mother can find will be the knowledge that they made the sacrifices necessary to be sure that their children were raised well and prepared for life here, and even more, for eternal life.
Disclaimer: Not everyone who is divorced came to be so in the same way. Some tried hard to save their marriage but their spouse was unwilling. Others came to conversion later in life. Still others were physically endangered during the marriage. This essay is not to be construed as a general condemnation of all who are divorced. Rather, it is a heartfelt plea that amidst today’s divorce culture we count the full cost of divorce and that we remember that marriage is first and foremost about what is best for children.
Monsignor Pope Ping!
I find myself in complete agreement. Well written and well said.
In my opinion it is much better to never get married, than to deal with the destruction of divorce.
Bumping to the top...
The Holy Trinity requires one thing of us when it comes to our connection to our heavenly father. All we’re asked to do is Speak it out loud.
When we pray, we pray with our voice. We actually speak - even when no one is there. Many other cultures and religions allow it’s followers to “pray silently” or “Meditate and think the prayers”.
We are asked to speak them out. In our regular voices.
When we promise to god to honor our wedding vows, we do that aloud. In this way, God can hear us. We don’t just internalize our vows - we speak it. This is how we commune.
So there is no way that God would “allow” this vow to be broken. There is pretzel logic that is found through mental gymnastics because people feel that God can hear their thoughts, and must think their thoughts are pure and good.
Of course, being all-knowing - God can hear thoughts. But that’s not the point. You are allowed your thoughts. It’s when you speak out - using your voice - a vow to God that things become real.
There are very few purposes that Divorce should be considered, and I don’t believe that Divorce should be removed from the picture. But it’s too easy, it’s too easily justified by the pleebs seeking it and the concept of Divorce isn’t fully understood because the concept of Marriage isn’t fully understood. And the concept of Marriage isn’t fully understood because Prayer isn’t fully understood.
And people need to be taught.
I am watching my son go through this crap now. He was an altar boy but quit going to mass when he joined the army. My wife and I have had our hard times and each has accused the other of wanting divorce at one time or another but we managed. Now neither of us can see how anything would have turned out as well if there had been a divorce.
A few years ago, someone (I don't recall who) phrased it "The children have to be adults because their parents aren't willing to be".
That’s right. Stay married to a drunken abuser. That’s even better for children than divorce.
Well....I survived my mother’s 3 marriages and father’s 4? Marriages (didn’t really know any of them except my mother)...but survived is the key word. Still feeling effects, and I’m in my 60s. Bi polar, narcissm, alcholism and depression for them didn’t help.
Over three divorces, I was asked once. I still remember being so shocked to be asked. I didn’t know how to respond. So I replied “I don’t know.” And that was the end of that.
From the article:
“This essay is not to be construed as a general condemnation of all who are divorced.”
And then hoes on to offer no exceptions or situations where divorce, though awful, is still better than staying married
Dr Laura rule seems appropriate to me as reasons for divorce....Adultery, addiction, abuse...the 3 As
Did you see the disclaimer at the end of the article?
God bless both of you for working things out.
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