[Satire] New App Allows User To Locate Where Least Crappy Homily Going To Be Delivered In Area

Eye of the Tiber ^ | 4/28/15

[markomalley]

The Vatican announced this morning that they have launched “CrapHom,” a new app for iPhone and Android that allows Catholics to view which local parishes will have the lamest homilies and which will have the least lame homilies.

“As everyone knows, the whole point of the homily is to instruct and uplift the faithful, but since that’s nearly impossible these days, this will at least give a user the option of not being scandalized during the homily,” a Vatican spokesman told EOTT this morning. “The point of the app is to allow parishioners the luxury of getting to hear the least crappy homily they can on any given Sunday.”

The spokesman went on to say that the app will also have five grades that users can refer to when making a decision ranging from Tolerable to Absolute Bullcrap.

[markomalley]

Sadly, this piece is only satire.

Any software developers out there?

[9thLife]

Even if you include all the Cafeteria Catholics, it's not big enough market to make it worthwhile.

Still waiting for a Holy Days of Obligation Calendar download, though.

[mlizzy]

Great satire! And the name CRAPHOM is too funny. A daily Mass Catholic could feed the developer the information, giving the poop on some nine or ten churches in their particular area alone. And so forth. It would give the senior citizen [who has been going to daily Mass for years and is well experienced in hearing homilies] something to do working alongside modern technology for the good of the Lord. And, of course, with priests moving in and out of parishes, the information could always be updating. Adding in times for adoration at any particular parish might be helpful too. CRAPHOM would benefit both the Catholic enthusiast and the lukewarm one as well.

You're really good with technology, aren't you Mark?

[markomalley]

You're really good with technology, aren't you Mark?

Yes, but I don't know how to write mobile apps...

[OpusatFR]

My former parish was gifted with a wonderful priest, educated, spoke four languages plus Latin and Greek, had been in the missionary field, and taught seminarians.

Each homily was outstanding, deep, and he used examples from the Old and New Testament as he spoke.

That lasted five months. Complaints made their way to the bishop. Seems some people like canned blather and nice feeling congratulations on love and all that stuff.

[heartwood]

Really? People would complain? Our pastor has his gifts, but the homily is not one of them. Pure pabulum expressed in strung together stock-phrases. I’ve thanked God when the celebrant is not Monsignor; I’ve considered a drinking game “Lenten journey” or “in a very special way” - take a drink. Although Bingo might be more appropriate, not that our church actually does Bingo.

And I know my resentment is uncharitable and a sin, but what I wouldn’t give for a priest like yours. Why would people complain to the bishop? Are they crazy? Do they like being bored?

[RBStealth]

I use the homily time for reading, getting up and stretching, going to the bathroom. I dont have to listen to pablum, and my outstretched/unfolded bulletin or other reading material is not a protest but reality.

[ErasmusJr.]

In a large parish on Long Island, with several assigned priests, I once urged at a parish council meeting that the bulletins announce IN ADVANCE which priest was going to say which Mass (including giving the homily)on succeeding Sundays. The suggestion was not well received.

[mlizzy]

The suggestion was not well received.

Hear you loud and clear; we've done the same. :)

[RBStealth]

Content filled homilies/teaching or truth/doctrine preaching cause lukewarm Catholics at best to stop giving or stop attending the church. This affects the donations or bottom line.

Here in Orange County,CA we financed and bought the Rev. Schullers Crystal Cathedral now renamed Christ Cathedral, with everything included, purchase and renovations etc this is a $100+ million dollar purchase that the diocese has gone in debt over. On top of that we now have a new Bishop ,Bishop Kevin Vann.

Think the new Bishop is going to relax the rules on his priests and loosen their reins concerning the homily. No way! He can’t afford it, he has a Cathedral to pay for!

In essence, the Cathedral can be seen as a gag on truth!

It plays out similarly in other dioceses, except the gag on truth is about sustaining half or so of the churches in a dioceses. Its not about the churches it should be about truth/preaching/teaching/et al. Yet the Bishops are content to let at best lukewarm or half Catholics fill the coffers and continue the maintenance regime. Lukewarm/half or dissident Catholics who they will not expose to truth or consequences.

[JoeFromSidney]

We have a Tridentine Mass parish, staffed by the Fraternal Society of St. Peter. The Diocese gave us a church that had been closed except for an occasional Spanish Mass. We've renovated it, and Mass attendance is steadily increasing. Two priests, excellent homilies every Sunday.

Why can't the Bishops understand where the support really comes from, and encourage more parishes like ours?

One of our problems, of course, is that we don't want to be seen as "sheep stealing," i.e., attracting people from parishes where they don't get the spiritual nourishment we're getting.