[Colofornian]

From poster Mechwerks @ postmormon.org:
On the twelfth day of Christmas the LDS Church gave to me:
12 Scheming ‘Apostles’
11 Fake witnesses to the Book of Mormon
10 Percent for Blessings
9 Wives to marry
8 Hours of Sunday meetings
7 Days of week being perfect
6 Pounds of lime Jell-O
5 Golden Plates
4 Standard Works
3 Full time callings
2 Home teachers
And a seer stone in a hat.
Source: The 12 Days of Smithmas

Oh. And BTW. Harry Reid is really and truly (no foolin') one of those officially sanctioned Lds home teachers!

Per this Salt Lake Trib 2009 article -- Harry Reid: A Mormon in the Middle: ”Today, Reid, with his security escort in tow, likely will be making his HOME TEACHING ROUNDS after his ward's three-hour service. Anyone who questions his Mormon credentials should see that, says Jim Vlock, his home-teaching companion.

[Dr. Thorne]

LOTFL! Thanks for the laughs. Mormonism and its heretical twisting of the Gospel richly deserve this kind of mockery.

[Zakeet]

On the 12th day of Christmas, Joseph gave to me ...

1. The Book of Mormon: the "most correct of any book on earth" containing stories of mass migrations in submarine barges, snakes herding cattle, American Indians smelting steel and riding about in horse drawn chariots, and so much, much more.

2. The Book of Abraham: Joseph's translation completely debunked by Egyptologists. The poor guy missed the author of the document, the purpose for the document, and every single word contained in the document.

3. Dozens of Failed Prophesies: including such gems as the violent overthrow of the United States in the 1830's, to the second coming of Christ sometime before 1891, to the discovery of the Ten Lost Tribes of Israel living in cement houses in a valley near the North Pole, to the finding the moon is inhabited by men dressed like Quakers, to the prediction the earth has knobs on each end. Joseph wasn't afraid go for broke. And he got there time and time again.

4. The First Vision: or more specifically, the nine different versions of the first vision; or ten if you include the Salamander account pronounced genuine by LDS Church leadership.

5. The 1826 Bainbridge Conviction for Fraud: the Conquistador's gold was really down there. It wasn't Joseph's fault the farmer dug so slowly the ground opened up and kept swallowing the treasure.

6. The Book of Commandments / Doctrine and Covenants: supposedly dictated to the prophet by Mormonism's god, but changed thousands of times and still replete with examples of false statements and contradictions with other Mormon scripture.

7. The Kirtland Safety Society: Joseph preceded the Enron scandal by 170 years with what was for years the largest financial fraud in U.S. history (and one of the most blatant). This happened shortly after Mormonism's god promised the banking institution, "like Aaron's rod shall swallow up all other banks … and grow and flourish and spread from the rivers to the ends of the earth, and survive when all others should be laid in ruins."

8. The United Order: Rigdon talked Smith into trying communism about 30 years or so before Marx and Engels. The Saints got the same economic results as other “workers’ paradises” such as the Soviet Union, Cuba and North Korea. The Saints eventually abandoned this commandment in favor of “the law of tithing” even though the United Order was proclaimed to be “an everlasting order for the benefit of my church, and for the salvation of men until I [Jesus] come.”

9. The Garden of Eden located in Independence, Missouri: This was the place where Adam and Eve were given Sacred Temple Garments (long johns with secret Masonic symbols) to cover their nakedness after they were expelled from paradise.

10. The Kinderhook Plates: a hoax by evil gentiles who took pieces of brass, and then inspired by the characters on a box of Chinese green tea, etched strange markings on them with acid. Joseph pronounced the artifacts genuine and determined they contained information about a descendant of Ham (one of the sons of Noah).

11. Doctrine & Covenants Section 132: polygamy as a result of a "new and everlasting covenant … [and] if ye abide not that covenant, then are ye damned; for no one can reject this covenant and be permitted to enter into my glory." This revelation convinced more than thirty women, many in their teens and several married to other men, to share Joseph's celestial bed. And it ruined the lives of thousands of his devout followers. And exactly how does one get rid of something that is “everlasting”? The LDS Church has been trying to figure that one out since the Federal Government almost put them out of business in 1887.

12. The Science of Kolob: the Sun borrows its light from Kolob through the medium of Kae-e-vanrash, and other stars receive their power through the revolutions of Kolob. Similarly, the earth receives its power through the medium of Kli-flos-is-es, or Hah-ko-kau-beam.

13. Salvation through Joseph: or more specifically, the idea no one receives exaltation without recognizing Smith is a prophet of god and will pass before him in order to gain entry to the highest kingdom of heaven.

14. The Eternal Progression: As man now is, god once was. As god now is, man may become.

15. I'm greater than Jesus: Joseph's pompous boast made on May 26, 1844. Less than a month later, the vain prophet Joseph Smith was thrown down exactly as he prophesied.

Yeah. I know. I went slightly over 12 when counting Joseph's contributions.

But I still think my list is a pretty good summary of who Joseph Smith was and is and will always be.

And the saddest part is, the list is by no means complete.

[Vendome]

The have a three hour service?

I ain’t down with that. I’d leave after an hour and get some lunch.

[Vendome]

Just to be clear, there were three hour services in my church from time to time but my ADHD kicks in around 45 minutes and I waited until first prayer and call for dedication before leaving.

Same thing all night pray-ins. I’d do it for a while and go home to bed.