That is a great analysis of the LDS mission program. I have a friend who just left his mission (5 months early). His mother is dying, and only expected to live a few more weeks, he asked permission from his Mission President to go home to say goodbye to his mother and WAS DENIED. The mission president is aware of the mother’s condition as he was the one who told the missionary.
So, he called another friend and had this other friend come and get him to bring him home.
Now this missionary (20 yr old kid) is facing excommunication from the LDS church, all because he wanted to see his mother before she died.
My mother passed away 3 weeks beofe my mission started. We had the funeral two weeks before. I has the option of delaying my entry date but decided that she would probably want me to go ahead anyway instead of sitting around the next few months feeling badly for myself over our family's loss.
The funeral was before I went into the MTC. But I was able to visit her grave site after I went in the MTC. A wind storm blew through the cemetary after she had been buried, but before the headstone was placed by the company. Subsequently I was not able to see her headstone placed. I was able (by my own choice) to leave the MTC and travel to the cemetary (My grandfather picked me up) to see her gravesite.
I know a personal friend who was sent home two months early (honorably) because his mother contracted cancer and was in the terminal stages, she subsequently passed away. A missionary companion of mine's mom had MS. He made the choice to come on his mission knowing the possiblity she could die at any time, or that she could live 10 more years. It was his choice to go or not.
From my days in the military they do pretty much the same thing. You can go home to see immediate family member funerals (but not grandparents) with emergency leave, which you have to pay for yourself. But you do technically have to have permission from your command.
Emergency leave isn't always granted. What if you are in the South China Sea in an undisclosed location? They don't have to bring in a chopper for you. Also there is the problem of timing. Even with permission you can't always get stateside quickly enough even if you have permission. IOW, there are many cases of military men and women who miss the funeral. Some soldiers make a personal choice to stay in their warfighting capcity and don't take emergency leave. They may reason that "dad" or "mom" would rather have them continue to serve.
As for the difficulty issue. It is a difficulty for Missionaries (and Soldiers) but in my experience both are willing to work with you. I was offered free counseling from a professional in the MTC about the loss (which I chose not to take) and also offered professional counseling from a psychologist while in the field (who I did talk to a few times about losing my mom). Interestingly he had worked for 20 years as a military psychologist before opening his private practice in the area I served. He was LDS as well.
Sometimes parents get divorced while their son is on a mission, or family members die. I'm not trying to minimize the issue or personal pain that can be experienced by a missionary over such family upheavals but if your story is accurate and the mission president did tell him no I assume it is similar to a commander who does not want to grant emergency leave (which can occur as well). My Mission pres. was an old rancher. Some miltary commanders are real bastards (which is why they are such good soldiers and commanders).
Again I'd like to see the official policy you are referring to as my personal experience contradicts your assertion of that policy.
I think this is an outright lie.