My mother passed away 3 weeks beofe my mission started. We had the funeral two weeks before. I has the option of delaying my entry date but decided that she would probably want me to go ahead anyway instead of sitting around the next few months feeling badly for myself over our family's loss.
The funeral was before I went into the MTC. But I was able to visit her grave site after I went in the MTC. A wind storm blew through the cemetary after she had been buried, but before the headstone was placed by the company. Subsequently I was not able to see her headstone placed. I was able (by my own choice) to leave the MTC and travel to the cemetary (My grandfather picked me up) to see her gravesite.
I know a personal friend who was sent home two months early (honorably) because his mother contracted cancer and was in the terminal stages, she subsequently passed away. A missionary companion of mine's mom had MS. He made the choice to come on his mission knowing the possiblity she could die at any time, or that she could live 10 more years. It was his choice to go or not.
From my days in the military they do pretty much the same thing. You can go home to see immediate family member funerals (but not grandparents) with emergency leave, which you have to pay for yourself. But you do technically have to have permission from your command.
Emergency leave isn't always granted. What if you are in the South China Sea in an undisclosed location? They don't have to bring in a chopper for you. Also there is the problem of timing. Even with permission you can't always get stateside quickly enough even if you have permission. IOW, there are many cases of military men and women who miss the funeral. Some soldiers make a personal choice to stay in their warfighting capcity and don't take emergency leave. They may reason that "dad" or "mom" would rather have them continue to serve.
As for the difficulty issue. It is a difficulty for Missionaries (and Soldiers) but in my experience both are willing to work with you. I was offered free counseling from a professional in the MTC about the loss (which I chose not to take) and also offered professional counseling from a psychologist while in the field (who I did talk to a few times about losing my mom). Interestingly he had worked for 20 years as a military psychologist before opening his private practice in the area I served. He was LDS as well.
Sometimes parents get divorced while their son is on a mission, or family members die. I'm not trying to minimize the issue or personal pain that can be experienced by a missionary over such family upheavals but if your story is accurate and the mission president did tell him no I assume it is similar to a commander who does not want to grant emergency leave (which can occur as well). My Mission pres. was an old rancher. Some miltary commanders are real bastards (which is why they are such good soldiers and commanders).
Again I'd like to see the official policy you are referring to as my personal experience contradicts your assertion of that policy.
There is no more to this story than I am letting on. His father passed away 3 years ago, his mother is dying and he wanted to see her. He has no other immediate family to insist he be sent home. And was told NO, that the “Lord wanted him to remain in the mission field” rather than go home for a couple of weeks to see his mom.
I am not sure there is an official policy. That said, the 2006 Handbook of instructions says this about a family member dying:
“If a member of a missionary’s immediate family dies, the Church ENCOURAGES THE MISSIONARY TO REMAIN IN THE FIELD. However, if the FAMILY insists that the missionary return home, the missionary MAY be allowed to return at the family’s expense.” (Page 99, empahsis mine)
http://wikileaks.org/wiki/Mormon_Church_Handbook_of_Instructions%2C_full%2C_2006
Also according the the Missionary rules in the The Missionary Handbook (AKA “white bible”), one of the rules is: Do not leave your assigned area without permission (”District leaders must approve travel outside your area within the district; zone leaders must approve travel outside your district within the zone; and the mission president must approve travel outside the zone.”)
http://www.lds4u.com/Missionaries/rules.htm
So, yes this young man did leave his area without permission. He asked permission and was denied. Does this happen to everyone? No. Do mission presidents vary in how they handle these situations? Of course. Are some MPs great guys and some jerks? Yeah.
Nevertheless, that does not change the fact that this young man felt he had to choose between his mission and his mom. And he chose his mom. Now is is considered “dishonored”.