Joel Olsteen Joins With Catholics To Convert Confused Protestants

What?..Um - theological satire ^ | 6/28/2007 | seth

[Alex Murphy]

Houston, TX — Joel Olsteen, author of the bestselling book Starting Your Best Life Now, has agreed to work together with the Roman Catholic Church in Texas to help convert Protestants who are confused about the large number of denominations. According to one poll, many Protestants are troubled with the conflicts and disagreements among groups like the Baptists, Presbyterians and Lutherans, and they have begun to ask themselves what the church should actually look like. “Any regularly attending Catholic has seen the marked increase in the number of Protestant converts,” stated Mark Hamill, archbishop of Houston. “Many of these Protestants are coming to our Pastors looking for answers. They are confused about all of the contradicting diversity, and they need answers to help them sort through the chaos. That’s why we called on Joel Olsteen for help.”

Olsteen, who has also authored Your Best Life Now Journal, Your Best Life Now Devotional, Your Best Life Now Calendar, and Your Best Life Now For Mom (available here), has already helped hundreds of Protestants convert to Catholicism stress-free. Olsteen stated, “Mark has asked me to help confused Protestants to realize that it’s okay if they leave their original denomination, because ultimately it’s not about denominational affiliation. It’s about living victoriously. It’s about living the joyful life, and if changing denominations is what will bring that inner peace and joy, then the choice is obvious — convert!”

Former PCA member Carrie Fisher shared her conversion experience with INN News. “Joel Osteen was so great for me. He helped me tremendously. Well I guess that’s why he is after all, America’s most influential Christian in 2007. He helped me discover a peace in my heart about my desires to become Catholic, despite the challenge I faced and still face with my disapproving family. Olsteen showed me that in order to be victorious, I had to stop restricting Christian living to one single denomination. Once I realized this, none of the differences mattered to me anymore!”

Pictured above: Joel Olsteen showing his anti-or-pro-denominational sentiments by donning Catholic garb.

In an interview with Olsteen, INN reporter Joseph Knoll asked Olsteen to explain why his consulting is so successful. “Well, Joseph, one of the first things I do to help potential converts is take them to one of my church services to attempt overwhelming them with the diversity in my church. When they see the smoke, the lights, the lasers, and when they hear the pop-style music, most of these people begin to wonder if they are even in a church. In fact many of those who consult me actually ask me, ‘Is this really a church?’ That’s when I ask them, ‘I don’t know, is it?’ As they look at me with a puzzled expression, I explain to them that the number of tickets requested for services at my church is only second to tickets to U2 concerts. I tell them that my church is so popular because I help people be happy without getting caught up in all the doctrinal non-essentials. ‘It all doesn’t really matter,’ I tell them. And then it hits them that it really doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter if you’re Catholic, Presbyterian, Baptist, Lutheran, or whatever, because we’re all in the family of God seeking a life of joy, as my book Your Best Life Now explains, which can be yours for only $9.99 from our website.”

Alec Guiness, another PCA convert to Catholicism, told INN News, “Osteen helps the dogmatic Presbyterian mind to relax his rigid expectations. He doesn’t want us to stop seeking uniformity in a church. He just wants us to see that we can be insistent about our preferences for church doctrine and practice, while at the same time relish in the fact that ecclesiastical differences really don’t matter. One day my loving parents said to me, ‘You know Alec, Catholics believe in a works salvation.’ I said to them, ‘Well even so, it doesn’t even matter. It’s all about setting your mind free and finding happiness and joy in God.’ I couldn’t have said that without Olsteen’s wisdom.”

Hamill and many other Catholic leaders couldn’t be more excited. “We’ve seen a 9% rise in Catholic membership,” stated Hamill. “Olsteen is absolutely amazing. He sets other converting Protestants on fire, and they become so excited that they go out and tell other confused Protestants about the help they received. Before it’s all said and done, Olsteen’s methodology has Protestants so confused that when they come to a Catholic church, they are able to breathe a sigh of relief and find true inner solace. We become a real safe haven for them.” –

This has been a news brief by the Imaginary News Network

[Frumanchu]

Ahh...so the Empire is advancing...

[Frumanchu]

[Campion]

These aren’t the converts we’re looking for?

[AZhardliner]

Great piece. It wouldn’t surprise me bit - after all Joel does believe in god.

[mockingbyrd]

bwahaaaa!

[Alex Murphy]

These aren’t the converts we’re looking for?

What? You think you're some kind of Catholic, waving your hand around like that? I'm a Calvinist - mind tricks don't work on me!

[Campion]

I find your lack of works ... disturbing ...

[Dr. Eckleburg]

I'm a Calvinist - mind tricks don't work on me!

LOL. Amen.

"The determining factor of my existence is no longer my past. It is Christ's past. -- Sinclair Ferguson

[subterfuge]

Buffoonery.

[NeoCaveman]

I find your lack of works ... disturbing ...

Bwahahahaha.

[Aquinasfan]

Can someone tell me what Joel is about in 20 words or less? Otherwise I’ll have to watch his show for more than ten seconds.

[NeoCaveman]

work or don’t work, there is no try.

[NeoCaveman]

Can someone tell me what Joel is about in 20 words or less?

Just another "health and wealth" preacher.

[Alex Murphy]

Can someone tell me what Joel is about in 20 words or less?

Sheesh - that's easy. The real challenge is to tell what Joel is about in 21 words or more.

[Aquinasfan]

Just another "health and wealth" preacher.

With 14 words to spare!

In the battle of the Great Capped Teeth, he'd give Tony Robbins a run for his money.

[napscoordinator]

I think that Joel is a great human being. Being Catholic I am not sure of this but I think he really cares about faith. The guy has a front row seat in Heaven in my opinion.

[dragonblustar]

[1000 silverlings]

Calvin, Joel is coming to save you

[Gamecock]

Somehow I had a sneaking suspicion....