[SATIRE] EXCOMMUNICATION CRAZE [SATIRE] SWEEPS U.S. [SATIRE] CATHOLICS [SATIRE]

Wittenburg Door ^ | July/August 2004 | Robert Fulton

[Alex Murphy]

MILWAUKEE - Bishop Raymond Burke's recent announcement that Wisconsin lawmakers who support abortion rights can no longer receive communion ignited a firestorm in the American Roman Catholic Church, especially among those U.S. bishops who wished they'd thought of the idea first.

Burke cited Vatican doctrine and canon law when he instructed diocesan priests to withhold communion from all Catholic senators and congressmen until they "publicly renounce" their support of abortion rights. Burke's decision left other American bishops scrambling to regain the moral high ground in a church torn by scandals.

In Burlington, Vt., the Most Rev. Kenneth A. Angell threatened to revoke the license of any priest who agreed to perform same sex marriages, "except those involving Anne Heche, who probably wasn't a real Lezzie anyway."

In Italy, Cardinal Ratzinger threatened to withhold communion from any Cardinal who voted for another "chucklehead Pole" instead of a "good Italian Catholic" for the next Pope. "Once is plenty, people," Ratzinger warned. "It isn't funny a second time."

In Baltimore, His Eminence William "Wee Willie" Keeler declared an "inquisition" on any reporter for the "godless American media" who continued to report on the pedophilia epidemic among the all-male Roman Catholic priesthood, whether the reporter is a Catholic or not. "Excommunicate 'em all," Keeler snarled, "let God sort 'em out."

In Southern California, His Eminence Roger Cardinal Mahony banned all Catholics, including lapsed Catholics, from even being seen at trendy restaurants with either Kevin Smith (Dogma) or John Landis (The Blues Brothers). However, he decided not to withhold communion from any Catholic who saw the Ben Affleck / Jennifer Lopez bomb Gigli, saying: "They've already suffered enough. My God man, have you no soul?"

Finally, in South Bend, Ind., the Most Rev. Daniel M. Buechlein OSB announced that any priest who offered communion to any practicing Catholic 18-year-old 6'5" 285 lb. linebacker who signed with any school "other than Notre Dame" would not only be excommunicated, he'd be shot.

[Alex Murphy]

THIS IS SATIRE. HUMOR.

You all remember "laughing" - that thing that you used to do, in response to watching "Gilligan's Island", before you became a Christian? Laughter is what your pastor is trying to provoke in you, when he tells those bad jokes at the beginning of his sermon. Right before "putting His enemies under his feet" (Psalm 110), IMO "getting Christians to laugh" must be the second-to-the-last thing that Christ will accomplish before the Second Coming.

In Ecclesiastes 2:2, the author complains that laughter is "madness", asking "what does it accomplish?"

Psalm 2:4 tells us that God, in heaven, laughs and scoffs at the kings of this earth "in derision".

Psalm 37:13 says the Lord laughs at the wicked, for "their day is coming".

But for the faithful, Genesis 21:6 tells us that laughter is an appropriate response to God's blessings, Job 8:21 promises laughter for those afflicted by Satan, and Psalm 126:2 says laughter is a sign to unbelieving nations that God has done great things for us.

As Christians, we should learn to laugh more.

That said, why do I include all these warnings, sirens, and sledgehammer-to-the-head graphics telling you not to take this seriously? Recently, a poster claimed that every one of my posts "end up making FReepers look publicly stupid." Please remember that those are not my words. While I'm appreciative of the compliment, I can't exactly brag about my I.Q. (I know at least four current- and former-FReepers who have I.Q.s from twenty to fifty points HIGHER than mine, so what bragging rights does that leave me?). Said poster insisted that I provide sufficient warnings on all my humor threads, in advance, telling you that you're about to read something ficticious and humorous. This is needed, apparently, to prevent you from having to think about what you're reading, and hurting yourself in the process. If it makes you feel any better, please know that I give you all more credit than that, but others don't. They thought that you looked stupid on my earlier threads, and that you needed these warning labels.

Mel Brooks (not a Christian) once defined laughter in this way: "Tragedy is me cutting my finger. Comedy is you getting eaten by a tiger." Take that for what it's worth.

[Alex Murphy]

THIS IS A HAIR PLUG

Oh, praise the Lord! Free Republic has a new ping list! And YOU can join it now! FReepmail me if you want to be added to The Free Republic PTL Ping List and HAIR Club!

This should never happen to anybody. Don't let this happen to you! Join the pinglist now!

So what are YOU waiting for? Join The Free Republic PTL Ping List and HAIR Club TODAY! FReepmail me for details!

PTL=Pardon The Laughing
HAIR=Hilariously Ablutionary Irreverent Reading

[Alex Murphy]

PTL Ping List and HAIR Club PING!

"They've already suffered enough. My God man, have you no soul?"

[irishtenor]

Is this a satire? :>)

[ladyinred]

Is this satire? :-)

[ladyinred]

Ooh, scary, we posted the same thing! BTW: What do you think the answer is? :-)

[irishtenor]

It's obviously meant to be serious, I mean, if it were a satire, the author would have posted it somewhere in his piece.... and I beat you to the post!

[irishtenor]

PS, my smiley is different than your, so, therefore, obviously better.

[Alex Murphy]

I'm thinking about asking the Religion Moderator to designate these as "Humor Caucus" threads.

If the Mod agrees with the idea, I'll change the warning graphics to something like this:

[irishtenor]

What??? You mean this was FAKE??? I thought SATIRE meant it was written by one of those half man/ half goat people. I thought you were bragging.



:>)

[blue-duncan]

Oh nuts, you mean this is not real? Now I have to call and tell my friends, er friend, alright the acquaintence I just noticed to this thread that this is just satire. He will be really disappointed.

[Alex Murphy]

I thought SATIRE meant it was written by one of those half man/ half goat people

It's pronounced "sah-teer-ray". It means "deadly serious and dour" in Cantonese.

[irishtenor]

Well, if you break it down to it's Cantoneezian roots, SAT means to have placed your posterior somewhere (usually where it don't belong) and IRE meaning being really upset about something.

I have absolutely no idea what it all means, but there it is.

[Iscool]

How bout you stick in a signal of some sort so we know when to laugh...

[irishtenor]

Well, I think I'm funny.

[sitetest]

Dear Alex Murphy,

The real one about the Pope Benedict crop circles was lots, lots funnier than this dud.

Oh well. Keep trying.

;-)


sitetest

[AlbionGirl]

In Italy, Cardinal Ratzinger threatened to withhold communion from any Cardinal who voted for another "chucklehead Pole" instead of a "good Italian Catholic" for the next Pope. "Once is plenty, people," Ratzinger warned. "It isn't funny a second time."

LOLOL!

[A.J.Armitage]

"good Italian Catholic"

But he didn't have any qualms about a German Pope, did he? This hypocrisy is even worse than kicking out church members by letter!

All these offensive, heavy posts have me down. You should post something funny.

[PandaRosaMishima]

Actually I always get a kick from your posting Jan Crouch of the Pink Hair and Leaking Eyes and all those other Bible-thumpers; it's hard to make fun of these folks when they do a good job all by themselves!
Who would you rather watch, Jan Crouch or Fulton Sheen?

[Alex Murphy]

Who would you rather watch, Jan Crouch or Fulton Sheen?

I've never actually seen Fulton Sheen "in action", except for the occasional photograph. I have little doubt that he could take Jan (or even Paul) Crouch in a fair fight.

But with that said, if forced to make a choice, I'd watch the Crouches anyway. If for no other reason than the pure entertainment value of Jan's hair.