Posted on 04/17/2006 12:26:53 PM PDT by sionnsar
[In order to understand this fully you need to read the latest "Christopher Johnson, Anglican Investigator" adventure series being posted on Midwest Conservative Journal: Part 1, Part 2, and especially Part 3. --sionnsar]
ECUSA’s 0.2 mm low muzzle velocity Edmund Browning “Happy Gnat” sidearm has again been noticed in the popular media, giving an opportunity to reflect on this unusual ecclesiastical weapon and the current state of the art.
When ECUSA’s “Happy Gnat” appeared, Guns & Ammo couldn’t find anyone who could stop laughing long enough to actually review the thing, while the more sober Jane’s Armor of Faith just ignored it. When asked why ECUSA didn’t arm its operatives with something more like the Southern Baptists' potent “Flee the Wrath of God,” or the (now, alas, retired) Lutheran “Justifier,” Bishop Browning said, “What? And ruin the line of my suit?” Church weapon’s analysts were happy to hear this, since it explained the otherwise mysterious role of Bishop Browning’s tailor in church weapons development.
The Happy Gnat was involved in a minor, end-of-the-cold war footnote. The CIA, working through a very complicated series of fronts involving Albanian double agents, a Peruvian supplier for Sindero Luminosa, and two Bulgarian smugglers, persuaded the KGB that, loaded with a slightly larger 0.25 mm supersonic round, the Gnat was an effective assassination weapon. The KGB bought 5000 before discovering that the more energetic round inevitably caused the weapon to explode, sometimes fatally to the assassin. The CIA case officer who brought if off sent his KGB counterpart (through the usual back channels) some warm mittens to wear in his new assignment as morale officer at a Siberian Gulag camp.
Currently, official ECUSA weapons development is at a standstill. That doesn’t mean that nothing is happening. Donald Sensing’s recent blogging hiatus is rumored to be due to his work on a cross-denominational weapons platform, the Communion Network’s photon-based Damascus Road system. Damascus Road is a non-lethal long distance system designed to reveal the flaws in shoddy arguments. Rev. Sensing was heard to mutter, “We’re gonna need one of these, too,” before climbing aboard a black helicopter bearing the Network seal. The range of the weapon is unknown: it should be able to reach Columbus OH from Pittsburgh, but an intercontinental version that could reach Canterbury “just in case” is rumored as well.
Nor has the other side been idle. Integrity/Via Media is reported to be working on a countermeasure system, the so-called Crew’s Missile, that will attempt to spoof Damascus Road with a dense cloud of righteous indignation and hurt feelings. Middle of the road ECUSA bishops have been in talks to develop a Fudgemaker Rhetorical Indeterminacy System, but the design got bogged down in committee when Kirk Smith insisted that Dexter be brought aboard as a consultant. It’s doubtful that it can be deployed in time for General Convention. The Standing Committee on Peace and Justice has voiced concern “about this arms race,” and has asked the Network to cease and desist.
As usual, conflict is resulting in rapid development of offensive and defensive armaments. The course of conflict will shape future development.
Traditional Anglican ping, continued in memory of its founder Arlin Adams. This is a screamer! Since I'm an ex-Episcopalian and a competitive shooter, I read the whole darn thing.
As my dad says about the Browning .25 Auto (a real pistol, sometimes known as the "mouse gun"), "I hate like hell to shoot a man and then stand there and argue with him." I have actually reloaded for it, just for grins.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.