Posted on 07/15/2005 11:21:28 AM PDT by Southside_Chicago_Republican
One of my worst passions is irritation and one of my worst irritations is church billboard slogans. I dont know why these things bother me so much, but they do.
Between the Piggly Wiggly grocery store on the Maybank Highway, some ten miles north of here, and the Rockville, S.C., yacht club the same distance south, there are about twenty-five churches. Most, I suspect, have been incorporated to avoid land taxes; you almost never see a car parked out front, not even on Sunday mornings. Some of them, though, are thriving congregations whose parking lots are crammed full half the nights of the week (if only they were Orthodox ). Driving past, its all but impossible not to read the inspirational inscriptions posted on their display boards. And theyre not alone. There are other examples of this kind of ecclesial infomercial scattered all up and down the Maybank, from Folly Road just south of Charleston to the end of Bears Bluff on Wadmalaw Island. Here are just a few, selected at random.
The Book of Acts church, just a stones throw from the local True Value Hardware, recently attempted to lure passing motorists with this startling example of Johannine exegesis: Jesus is the Bread of Life. Come on in and have a slice!
An explicitly Southern Methodist Church a little farther on offers a rather in-your-face bit of advice as gnats and July weather advance on the lowcountry: Dont like the heat? Prepare to avoid it! Its pretty clear theyre not talking about summer escapes to the Blue Ridge Mountains.
An AME church on Bears Bluff Road assures us that God answers knee-mail! And some congregation I cant quite recall lowered the bar with this non-sequitur: Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible!
It took a minute of soulful reflection to get the point of this one, but the paschal consolation was worth it: Body piercing saved our life!
Maybe the worst, from a strictly theological point of view, was posted on a large panel in front of a very large parish building, located on the north end of the Maybank beyond the Wappoo Cut, where nobody who lives on the barrier islands could miss it. Id seen it in a few places before, but the absurdity and tragedy of its message hit me especially hard as I was coming home one night after giving a talk on the Holy Trinity. The message was a threat, couched in attempted humor: Dont make me come down there! God.
Its not only the Islamists and assorted Unitarians who make me wonder if we all worship the same God. Its also my neighbors who put up with a pastor that would post that kind of thing outside his church.
I was tempted to duct-tape a piece of cardboard to the base of the panel, offering the corrective: I did come down there, but there was nobody home! This was to be a cleverly veiled allusion to the prologue of St Johns Gospel. Fortunately, better sense led me to keep my nonsense to myself and drive on (leaving an Orthodox response to our priest, who handled it very well).
Instead of bromides and heresies, why cant some of these Bible churches post words from their more splendid hymns? Something along the lines of The heavens are telling the glory of God, or even Just as I am, without one plea, O Lamb of God, I come to Thee!
I really dont much like church billboard slogans. But every once in a while something appears on one of those ubiquitous display panels that puts me to shame and teaches me not to judge. Especially not to judge my Christian brother.
Remember the Book of Acts church and its invitation to take a slice of the Bread of Life? Its located in an area thats still scarred by a lot of rural poverty. Last time I passed that church the message had changed, even though the idea behind it hadnt. In place of the cute bit of Johannine exegesis, it said simply: Free summer lunch, 12:00 noon.
This thread is a waste of bandwidth.
Body piercing saved [my] life!
It's a great T-shirt: it's got a crucifixion spike on it. And worn with the "skate-trash" look, it made an excellent witness to the other teens. But it's a lame-ass church sign.
I swear they have contests for who could be dorkier. Last year, a Methodist church near me almost drove me bats with its idiotic references to The Passion of The Christ:
"The Passion of the Christ is You!"
"Seen the Movie? Now Read the Book!"
Why?
In general, I think church signs miss the point with their slogans.
A store would be more likely to put up a sign that gets people to come inside and buy their wares. Our local grocery had..."Boneless NY Strip, $4.99 lb"...the other day.
If went in and bought some NY Strip.
Would I have gone in if the slogan at the grocery had said, "Take a Bite out of Life!" or some other inanity? I doubt it.
Just for fun, here are some actual clippings from church bulletins:
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoy sinning to join the choir.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M.-prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
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