Resentment and Forgiveness -- Part 2

Orthodox Information Center ^ | Feb 28, 2003 | Hieromonk Damascene

[kosta50]

Note: this is a continuation of the previous post under the same title in which the malady of anger and resentment was outlined, and Part 2 offers the first step in the healing process.

This post is dedicated to the spirit of Great Lent and as an exposition of the Orthodox phronema (mindset) on theological issues.

A talk delivered at the Annual Assembly of the Serbian Orthodox Diocese of Western America, St. George Serbian Orthodox Church, San Diego, California, February 28, 2003.

Resentment and Forgiveness -- Part 2 by Hieromonk Damascene

4. Forgiveness

Having looked at the malady of anger, judgment, and resentment, let's go on to look at the cure. What are we to do to be freed of this sickness?

Our Lord Jesus Christ tells us clearly: Love your enemies. Do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, and pray for those who spitefully use you. And to him who smites you on the one cheek, offer also the other (Luke 6:27–29).

Rather than resenting those who wrong us, we are to love them, and we express this love by blessing them and praying for them. We do this because we are commanded to do so by Christ [my emphasis]. He has commanded this for our own sake, for our own salvation, because He loves us; and we do it for His sake, because we love Him.

Our fallen nature rebels against this: "What? Bless and pray for that person who wronged me?" But for Christ's sake, we go against our fallen nature, and force ourselves to pray. [my emphasis] We ask God to bless and have mercy on the person who hurt us, we wish good things for him, we wish his salvation, just as our Lord wishes his salvation. In this way we begin to become like God Himself, Who, according to the words of Christ, is kind to the unthankful and the evil (Luke 6:35). In going against our fallen nature, we return to our original nature—the image of God in us—and we grow in the likeness of God. [my emphasis]

Abba Dorotheus, a Desert Father of the sixth century, says that we can be healed of the sickness of resentment "by prayer right from the heart for the one who has annoyed us. We can pray such words as, ‘O God, help my brother, and me through his prayers.'" "In this," says Abba Dorotheus, "we are interceding for our brother, which is a sure sign of sympathy and love, and we are humiliating ourselves by asking help through our brother's prayers. [7]

When we continually force ourselves to bless and pray for others in this way, we will find that our Lord Jesus Christ will change, renew, and refresh our hearts. It may take some time and persistence, but gradually, almost imperceptibly, we will be changed. The poison of resentment, by the Grace of Christ, will leave our system.

Again our Lord has told us: Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you shall be forgiven (Luke 6:37).

The cure for anger, judgment, and resentment is forgiveness, pure and simple. No matter what terrible afflictions and unspeakable injustices have befallen us, we can be free of their negative effects on us through forgiveness.

I once asked a Romanian Orthodox priest named Fr. George Calciu about this. For twenty-one years he had been locked in Communist prisons, where he had endured the most unimaginable horrors ever perpetrated by human beings. And yet when I met him here in America, he was happy, joyful, like a child, totally free of any negative effects of this torture on his soul. He had found the secret of forgiveness. I asked him, "How can people overcome judgment?" He looked at me, almost with astonishment, and answered, "It's simple. Just don't judge!"

It's truly simple. But we must keep in mind that we can't do it on our own: We need God's help [my emphasis] to heal our fallen, wounded nature, to humble our pride. Therefore, as we pray for those who have hurt us, we should pray that God will help us to forgive [my emphasis], that He will soften our hard hearts, warm our cold hearts, and grant us a loving, merciful, and forgiving spirit.

Elder Sampson (Seivers) of Russia, who reposed in 1979, was a man well-equipped to speak on the subject of forgiveness. As a young novice monk, he was arrested by the Communist authorities, shot in a mass execution, and thrown into a common grave. By Divine Providence he survived the shooting, and was pulled out of the grave still breathing by his brother monks and nursed back to health. Later he was arrested again and spent nearly twenty years in Communist concentration camps. But he never held onto bitterness and resentment: He completely forgave both his executioners and his torturers. In his later years, when he was serving as a spiritual father to many people, he was especially tough when his spiritual children refused to forgive someone, even for some petty annoyance. He said: "I've always concluded: this means that they still have not gotten the point, that the whole secret, that all the salt of Christianity lies in this: to forgive, to excuse, to justify, not to know, not to remember evil.

"The Holy Fathers are the children of the Grace of the Holy Spirit. The result of this action of Grace is when the heart excuses. It loves, it can speak well of someone and pray for him. It does not remember offense or evil.

"Therefore," said Elder Sampson, "it is impossible to forgive and not excuse. [my emphasis] This is a psychological fact. The heart is made this way. It was not the brain, not the nervous system—as science attempts to teach, and the psychiatrists especially—but it was the heart that was made this way by God. It is called a Christian heart. It excuses, it does everything possible in order to justify and excuse. Isn't that so?! That is a Christian quality!

"The pagan or the Moslem does not know about this ... the action of the Grace of the Holy Spirit.... Try telling a Moslem to justify and excuse, to love his enemy. He will kill you.

Once Elder Sampson was asked, "What can an angry person do?" He replied, "He must pray and pray for healing. For the sake of his faith, for the sake of his insistence, the Lord will change his heart."

[To be continued ...]

[Quix]

Wonderful post. Thanks.

I tend to counsel people that FORGIVENESS IS FIRST AND FOREMOST A CHOICE.

And, that it is essential for our emotional, psychological and spiritual health and welfare as well as regarding eternal life.

That we must CHOOSE moment by moment at every thought to TAKE EACH THOUGHT CAPTIVE; TO RESIST THE ENEMY and to CHOOSE TO FORGIVE again at that moment.

And, of course, as you note, to ask God to change our hearts and make it real in our hearts and emotions etc.

But I think--by The Spirit's grace, it must begin with our will--choosing to release the other person to God's mercies and disciplines according to God's priorities and perfect judgment.

There is a lot of anecdotal evidence that somehow God is more freed to deal with the other person when we bow out of our judgment high horse and allow the other person to be somehow more fully on God's altar or at least more face to face with God because we have quit encasing them in our resentment, judgment, bitterness, unforgiveness etc.

Also, that forgiveness is first and foremost for us. The unforgiven person may not care a flip about how we feel toward them. But God does and it poisons our bodies and our souls.

Thanks much.

BTW, you may be interested in this fascinating phenomena described in this post/thread:

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/religion/1356926/posts?page=8

[kosta50]

Thank you Quix on your kind words. I believe you summed it up very well when you say "Also, that forgiveness is first and foremost for us." Forgivness and mercy makes us free. It is the ultimate realization that we are not the judge.

[kosta50]

Thank you for the link. I have skimmed over it for now, but I have saved it for later reference and indepth reading.

[pharmamom]

Hey all! Well, we are back from our journey. We went to a church made up of all converts, so the entire service was in English. Because I had done a little reading beforehand, I knew a little what to expect. When we got there, about 10 minutes early, some people were lighting candles and praying. Some people arrived at various points during the service, and some folks walked up to the icons and lighted candles during the service. Several people introduced themselves to us, and one very nice lady took Max (my 7 y.o.) around the church and explained things to him. We went up front during the Our Father for the kids to receive a blessing, and the boys lighted candles and said a prayer for their family. After the Eucharist, we went up for the blessed bread.

As I suspected, Max paid much more attention than did Tobie. Max is very spiritual. At one point, he sat down on the floor and started crying. He said he felt "unloved." I used to have that feeling as a child, and I still do at times--I attribute it to being separated from God. I explained to him that he was feeling his "God-hole" and that it was because he was in such a holy place that he felt it more keenly. Tobie was pretty much oblivious to the whole atmosphere.

I loved it. I had to mind the boys on and off, but I got to listen and pray during much of the service. I liked all the singing and the fact that the whole service felt of one piece. The service didn't feel as "separated" as the Anglican liturgy, where there is clearly the first part, centering around the readings and the second part, with the Eucharist. And it felt more participatory; I didn't get bored the way I sometimes do at Anglican worship.

I felt like I was in a spiritual, holy place, but in an ordinary way, if that makes sense. Ordinary in the sense of this is what happens every time these people gather together and worship. There was no sense of people being there just because it is Sunday and you go to church. No sense of people watching other people or just going through the motions.

I felt left out because I couldn't take the Eucharist. I have a very Catholic spirituality--I'm baptized into the one Church, a confessing Christian...I wanted to be a part of the Eucharistic feast. Oh well.

I think we will either go back to this same church next Sunday or go to an Antiochan Orthodox Church that is nearby. Thank you for your prayers. We felt them.

[pharmamom]

My gosh! What were you doing up at 4 AM? Whew! You're a better FReeper than I am!

[Kolokotronis]

Well this is wonderful and I am very happy you had such a good experience. You say the Liturgy seemed of one piece and indeed it is exactly that. And yes, we do the same thing every Sunday.

One thing which people seem to seem to comment on after having been to an Orthodox Divine Liturgy is the sense of "divine space". The icons contribute to this sense because they are the cloud of heavenly witnesses we join with, in a very real sense, when we pray the Liturgy. In the 900s, Prince Vladimir of Kiev sent envoys out to Constantinople. When they returned, they told the Prince that they had been at a Divine Liturgy in the Orthodox Church of St Sophia, and that they had been 'out of ourselves, not knowing if we were on earth or in heaven'.

This weekly experience of being "out of ourselves" is what transforms our lives as Orthodox people so that soon enough we can approach living in the world but not being of the world.

[pharmamom]

I know what you mean about divine space. When I was in high school, I spent a summer in France. We went to Chartres cathedral, and when I walked in, I shuddered all over and thought, "This is where God lives."

I think Max was responding to the feeling of being in a divine space when he began crying.

[Kolokotronis]

I forgot to add, Great Lent starts a week from Monday. The cycle of Sunday Liturgies, Wednesday Liturgies of the Pre Snactified Gifts and the various Vespers and Akathists leading up to and including Great Week and the Resurrection teach virtually all the Faith. Its a great time to learn about Orthodoxy.

[Kolokotronis]

Tell Max that even old men cry at the Divine Liturgy. Of course we have more to cry about than 7 year olds!

[pharmamom]

I thought it started today? This is a week to give up meat, right? Does that include fish (I'm a vegetarian, anyway). And should I cover my head when we go back?

[Kolokotronis]

The fast from meat begins today at sundown. Dairy etc is still OK until sundown next Sunday. Monday, March 14 is the first day of Great Lent. Don't worry too much about fasting. Its something to work into. It has been my experience that most good spiritual fathers will tell their children that its best to start slow and over a few years work into the whole panoply of the fast. Otherwise, failure can lead to discouragement and resentment. A strict monastic fast means no meat, dairy, eggs, fish with a backbone, olive oil or wine. Honestly, please don't set yourself up for a disappointment. Fasting should be done as a part of living out an Orthodox life as best you can, especially the fast during Great Lent and there's a lot to it. Sega, sega, as the Greeks say, slowly, slowly.

As for head covering, I'd see what other people are doing. Some parishes are very traditional in that regard, others are not. When I was a kid, women always covered their heads, now, at least in the GOA and in Greece, head covering is quite rare.

Which jurisdiction's parish did you attend?

[AlbionGirl]

Thanks to both of you for the uplifting posts.

[Kolokotronis]

As always, you are quite welcome, dear lady!

[pharmamom]

Joy of All Who Sorrow is within the bulgarian diocese (diocese, is that correct?). All of the women had their heads covered. There were a couple in the big black gowns that cover everthing except the face. There is another one we might check out, St John the forerunner--it is an Evangelical Orthodox Church, now part of the Orthodox Church in America.

[pharmamom]

A strict monastic fast means no meat, dairy, eggs, fish with a backbone, olive oil or wine.

The dairy would be hard--I live on yogurt, but I also drink soy milk. Honestly, as long as chocolate and wheat thins aren't restricted, I wouldn't even notice. Hmmm. I should probably give one of those up, eh? I don't have very good eating habits.

[AlbionGirl]

pharmamom, if you're interested in head coverings there's a little shop in California that sells chapel veils and such. They're pretty inexpensive and can be ordered online @www.halo-works.com., or you can call toll free after you've looked over the stock on the website.

Let me know if you'd like the number, I'll freepmail you, probably should have done that with this email, but I think other people, if they're lurking, might like to know of the place too.

[pharmamom]

Thanks. I have plenty of scarves, if I decide to cover my head. I was just wondering if head coverings were standard in every parish, or dependent upon parish choice.

[Agrarian]

Thanks so much for sharing what you experienced. It is always good for us to hear what newcomers see, hear, and experience.

Regarding communion, you are feeling the effecs of the Schism. It is real, and it hurts -- it hurts us as well, not to be able to share the fullness of our experience with others, but it is how it has to be. Anglicans consider the chalice to be a means to achieve unity -- Orthodox consider the shared chalice rather to be the ultimate sign and reflection of complete unity. It is the Body and Blood of Christ, and we can share it only with other Orthodox Christians, who share the totality of faith and practice with us.

I, too, am curious about the jurisdiction of the parish you visited, since there was one thing you mentioned that I haven't seen anywhere before. Respond privately, if you prefer.

It is interesting that you immediately noticed the "seamless" quality of Orthodox services. People are often surprised at the fact that services which are so "regimented" (none of the clergy have the freedom to what they want -- every reading and every hymn is appointed in the rubrics) are simultaneously so relaxed, for want of a better term. The combination of deep reverence and comfortableness is different from the western "high-church" approach, at least that which I have been exposed to.

For what it's worth, I'll pass on the advice that was given to me, and that I've heard many priests and experienced Orthodox Christians give others: over time, visit every Orthodox parish in your area -- even those you think you won't be interested in (unless someone "in the know" specifically warns you off from one or more.) Each parish has a slightly different "flavor," and you never know where your family might feel most comfortable visiting for a while.

I would also like to echo Kolokotronis's recommendation to consider some of the special weekday Lenten services. There are some different things about these services, such as the congregation making full prostrations at certain points in these penitential services (which you don't need to do when you're visiting -- just grab a place to stand in the back at weekday services.) Also, don't forget Saturday night Vespers, if they are available at any of your local parishes. These are very popular services amongst explorers, since there is no communion, and since there is a lot of variable material with lots of theology expressed in the course of the prayers. We have a Catholic priest, an Anglican priest, and a Methodist minister who regularly attend our Saturday night Vespers services. The Anglican priest, now retired, is now coming to Liturgy as well. The Vespers service is also shorter than Liturgy (A Russian parish with "Vigil" will have a longer Saturday night service, but it is something that you can feel free leaving after having been there for an hour -- lots of the "natives" with children do the same.)

Just some thoughts... Sounds like things went well, and again, thank you so much for sharing your experience with us.

[pharmamom]

Anglicans consider the chalice to be a means to achieve unity -- Orthodox consider the shared chalice rather to be the ultimate sign and reflection of complete unity. It is the Body and Blood of Christ,

I was taught in seminary (in theology class) that the Eucharist is at once the forerunner and actuation of the Eucharistic banquet in Heaven. It is both "now" and "not yet." But then, I was taught by a very high church professor.

I understand the rule; I just don't like it.

What was the thing I mentioned that you haven't seen anywhere before?

[Agrarian]

Saw your note about the Bulgarian jurisdiction. Head coverings are traditional and Scriptural, but this is America, so practices vary a lot. Our parish is probably about 40% covered, we've had parishes that were over 90% and ones that were under 10%. When in Rome...

As someone who converted to Orthodox many years ago and had to learn to fast as an adult, I can't agree with Kolokotronis strongly enough -- take it easy and go slow. The first step, which can take quite a while, is to learn how to do without meat. Doing without fish and dairy products is the hardest step, and I honestly wouldn't recommend jumping into that unless you decide that you are going to formally become a catechumen.

It took us years to get to the point where we were keeping the fast fully as a complete family, and even now I confess to eating fish more than is "officially" allowed. This is pretty common "corner-cutting" in the northern Slavic traditions, since non-backboned seafood (which the Greeks have in relative abundance) were not traditionally available as sources of supplemental protein in those countries.

Just enjoy the services, read good material, get to know local Orthodox Christians, and let nature take its course...