New Testament translation: Thou shalt have sex

Boston Herald (print edition) | June 23, 2004 | Unattributed

[King Prout]

not Bulwer-Lytton... the prose is too spare.
if there is a Bad Hemingway Pastiche contest, then this howler'd be a shoe-in.

[King Prout]

or transgenderize him.

just you wait for it - it'll come to pass.

[King Prout]

I second that motion.
but... we'll have to redact the text, changing all "Jesus" references to "Brian"

[Moose4]

So if they removed Satan completely from Jesus' forty days in the desert, then what did they do to Chapters 1 and 2 of Job, where Satan has, uh, a bit of a role?

"And God was talking to some of his helpers, and Satan strolled in. God said, 'Lucifer, 'sup? Where you been, dawg?"

"And Satan replied, "Y'know. Just chillin'.'"

"God said, 'You seen my man Job? He's hardcore. Nobody like him.'"

"Satan replied, 'Feh. You let me at him, and he'll be hatin' on you in no time, yo.'"

Bleah.

}:-)4

[redgolum]

No, not really. It just seems like someone let all the lunatics loose and made them "spiritual leaders".

[stands2reason]

I'm considering it the "New Revised Heretical Version" myself...

Don't want to soil the name of Monty Python by associating them with this trash...

[plushaye]

I really like your version of Job. I like vernacular Bible versions provided they're done well. I have a Scottish vernacular gospel and I've read about another in Australian slang ('Strine'). They're cute, and a little tongue-in-cheek. Not offensive really.

On the other hand, this book version is so offensive it's sickening.

[Moose4]

Ping.

}:-)4

[Pio]

What will stop this translation from getting introduced into Parish CCD classes, into RCIA, into parish Bible studies?

Absolutely nothing.

This translation will become the standard among liberals, followers of Rowman Williams, Vatican III agitators and the spirit of Vatican II heretics.

[hummingbird]

Thanks for the laugh, dsc! ("And, don't forget to tip the waitstaff on your way out!")

I'm revisiting this thread to see if this new "bible" has been declared a hoax. Guess not....but the joke was great!

[hummingbird]

The whole point of the thing is that she was accusing Peter of associating with a bad guy, isn't it?

"Perzactly!" If Jesus was perceived as a hero in this passage, Apostles wouldn't be scattering like h-e-c-k to get away from the situation. Are we sure this isn't an urban legend...this "translation" thing? Has the Archbishop made any commentary since these 3 articles have come out?

[Verginius Rufus]

"Give us Barry" worked at the 1964 Republican convention.

[wolfcreek]

Please procreate, we need future parishioners?

[Knitting A Conundrum]

This information first made the circuit months ago. It's not a joke. It's a symptom of the apostasy that happens when you try to run a church with leaders that don't believe the church's teachings.

[Knitting A Conundrum]

I am reminded of a passage from the book of Revelations, (a book of the Bible which was intentionally left out of this translation, while including the gnostic gospel of Thomas):

For you say, I am rich, I have prospered, and I need nothing; not knowing that you are wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked. Therefore I counsel you to buy from me gold refined by fire, that you may be rich, and white garments to clothe you and to keep the shame of your nakedness from being seen, and salve to anoint your eyes, that you may see.

Revelation 3:17, 18