Posted on 09/19/2003 7:16:27 AM PDT by presidio9
Edited on 04/13/2004 2:43:55 AM PDT by Jim Robinson. [history]
If Morford has ever written a column without a reference to masturbation, I haven't seen it.
Mark, are we talking the book or when that dwarf in bondage gear comes up to you in the sling and starts the enema?
These are the things [that] demean the desperately needed impulse toward spontaneous self-awareness and individuality and happy guiltless vaginal investigations.
I'm sure when Mr. Morford was a teen, he wanted to investigate his vagina, too.
Mary-Kate and Ashley's alarming and utterly demonic stranglehold
Demonic. OK...next time put the shiny side out, Morford.
Take a weird, modern conservative revisionist New Testament
And he can say it's revisionist with such authority because of his extensive Bible scholarship credentials!
King James and all his hoary misogynistic machismo.
Spoken just like a man who's never read "Love your wife as Christ loves the Church" and wouldn't care if he had.
the cute Christian grinder of humorlessness
Speak for yourself, jack. Almost all of the Christians I know are funny.
and sexual rigidity and homophobia,
Were all homosexuals of Morford's stripe, homophobia would be justified: He's a menace to society and an atrocious writer.
and regurgitates them as kicky dumbed-down slightly numb virginal tidbits of advice
Oh no, "virginal" stuff in a piece of literature aimed at young girls! Worse, a piece published by Christians! The shock may kill me!
Because apparently girls don't already have enough hollow dogma out there telling them what to do.
Ah, don't you just love it when a Christophobic sodomite tells you what's great Christian doctrine and what isn't? BTW, these girls have plenty of hollow dogma telling them what to do: It's called a public school curricula.
divine potency.
Dang, now I've spit coffee all over my keyboard.
full of Top-10 lists and quizzes and Q&As, telling them to "pray for a person of influence" every day and check the "godly" quotient of the boys they date, and that Jesus doesn't really like it when they wear, you know, thongs and sexy bras and low-slung jeans.
I don't read women's mags (too busy building that 18 room log cabin with hand tools) but I'm pretty sure it goes like this:
Cosmo: In the age of AIDS and record STD transmission, now's the time to move beyond the Kama Sutra, because we know the Kama Sutra wasn't really sexy enough to be good fun. (BTW, there was a real "Beyond the Kama Sutra" headline on Cosmo's cover a few months back. My respponse was "Dang, if they need to move beyond the Kama sutra I think they were doing it wrong the first time through.
Cosmo Girl: Sure, we idolize Eminem, but we're a magazine for good girls and have your best interests at heart! And don't worry girls, as soon as we can figure out how to tell you to hump your boyfriend until your hips fall out (without having your mom cancel your subscription), we'll get right on it.
Revolve: Jesus would prefer that teenage girls not dress like cheap hookers.
Gee, I dunno, which one of those sounds like the truth to you?
Wonder not, my children, at the status of Laurie's chastity. Wonder not at what kind of pristine white underwear she might be wearing.
Shows an awful lot of interest in this woman's crotch for a gay man...
What, not scary enough?
Gee, people might tell my daughter to not be a ho. Nope, not exactly shaking in my boots.
Fine.
Darn straight. My mommy told me I don't have to be scared if I don't want to.
How about this: "Revolve" takes a decidedly conservative view of the Bible, condemns homosexuality, encourages virginity until marriage, and informs girls that excessive makeup and jewelry and revealing clothes are to be avoided and chastity is to be rewarded because, well, Jesus really loves baggy sweaters and granny underwear.
Here's the kicker: Except for the granny underwear thing (I'm pretty sure the Almighty has no position on your underwear choice as long as it isn't seen by the general public) all of that stuff is in my NIV, as well. Gee, what a shock.
Did Mary Magdalene ever call Jesus? Of course she didn't.
Morford calls Revolve revisionist, but he apparently gets his biographical info on Biblical figures from the subplot of Jesus Christ Superstar. Romance, unrequited or otherwise, between Jesus and Mary M. is almost certainly a Hollywood invention. ("Gee, Murray, I don't know, the Greatest Story Ever Told just doesn't have enough oomph. It just needs something.")
And "Revolve" tells these befuddled girls, in all seriousness, that it's best to let the males lead the relationship.
Well, if that concept's good enough for Morford, why not for Revolve?
There now. All better. Screw the female cause.
No, that's screw the feminazi cause, you know, the one that brought us a massive illegitimacy rate and 4,500 abortions a day?
Screw individuality and divine feminine power.
What's Wonder Woman got to do with all this?
Sure Jesus loves you, Jenny, but he loves you more if you wear long shapeless wool skirts and minimal mascara and not think too darn much, K?
Yes, you'll be so much more powerful and together if you go to public school and listen to propaganda that makes Mr. Morford feel all fuzzy inside. Here, Jenny, put a condom on this banana. When you're done with that, move on to the gourd squash and the cucumber.
Jesus is the holy Clearasil for your Satanic shin zits.
To quote the brilliant words of Opus the Penguin of Deathtongue: Clearasil Messiah from the shelf/Zapping zits from here to Hell.
Jesus is that amazing clenched feeling you get when you lie back and aim the shower massager just right and... oh, never mind.
Oh man, is he going to pay for that one if he doesn't repent soon! Can you hear Morford on Judgement Day? "Well, yes, Jesus, it's true I mocked you, and your followers, and everything good and right, and it's true I failed to stand up for real justice, or for the people under Saddam's boot. And it's true I didn't feed the hungry or clothe the naked or visit the sick. But hey, I did do you a favor by comparing you to shower massage self-pleasuring once! C'mon, that's a heck of a compliment! So, you can let me in now."
Isn't that clever? Doesn't it just make your colon clench right up in divine bliss? Sure it does.
Not just an authority on the Bible, but an authority on colon clenching. In fact, I'm certain he knows plenty about it.
Are girls supposed to believe God really cares what they wear, and is watching their every purchase at the Esprit outlet like some supreme pervert stalker?
Ah, so let's see. There's no middle ground where a loving God cares about young girls and wishes them love and freedom with some structure. No! We must choose between the stalker God and Morford's God who wants every one of the sweet little things to run straight to the closest shower and grab that massage head right now before it's too late! Um, sorry, not buying today.
"Revolve" is actually very much like a mind-control experiment, very much like some sort of sinister trick wherein they, like Christian rock bands, surreptitiously infiltrate a world the girls actually care about and use the teen's own anxieties and angst against them to instill a certain, narrow Christian agenda, induce a fluffy sense of guilt and shame, all while imparting a bleached, sanitized morality that includes not a whit of funk or style or messy icky sex or intuition or sly winking cosmic knowledge.
Now, if I rewrote that paragraph to describe Planned Paarenthood infiltrating the lives of our kids to indoctrinate them in the Gospel of If It Feels Good Do It And Then Come See Us For An Abortion, Morford would consider it hate speech. Of course, i would consider it bad writing, since I'd be working with his cluttered bilge to start with.
"Revolve" is basically a sheep in wolf's clothing,
Oh, the irony is so thick I could cut it with...hey, wait a minute, it's so thick I can't cut it! Junior, hand me the chuck and the titanium blade...
a prim training manual for future well-Valiumed housewives who let their husbands rule the roost
You heard it here first, folks: Bad fashion advice ruins your life and makes you a slavish drug addict.
and don't strive too hard for anything and don't think overly much
Like my wife the future surgical nurse who is on the board of our local pregnancy center? Funny how she does that while she's "well-Valiumed."
divinity
Divine housewives? How did Roseanne Barr get into this? BTW, Morford's message: I believe we're all gods, but I can still be the arbiter of what makes good Christian doctrine.
Are these really the only choices? Is it really either vapid anorexic fashion mags or an uptight prudish revisionist New Testament designed to reduce the female teen spirit to shrill hollow pious guilt-addled automaton Formica?
I don't know. Unlike Morford, the fasion scene for young girls doesn't do a whole lot for me.
Where, pray where, can a young teen turn for true unadulterated perspective and inspiration? For insight and anxiety relief and a big heaping dose of the gloriously convoluted, slithery, well-accessoried mess that is modern life? Hmm. Maybe that's why God invented books.
Well, it sure wasn't why God created Morford. As Truman Capote would say, that isn't writing, that's typing! Final score: The director of my local crisis pregnancy center wants as many of these things as she can get her hands on. Morford thinks it's evil. Revolve wins in a landslide.
Dang, that is quote of the day material for sure.
Oh man, now I'm going to die laughing. Oh wel, decent enough way to go.
She, he, whatever, seems very, very bitter and not very bright.
I wondered about that. He seems SO vitriolic about Christianity and it's 'obsession' with sex.
Interesting, though, if more teenaged girls read this 'Cosmo Bible' and followed it, there'd be a lot less 'slut-puppy' dressing and disruption of their lives from teen sex and all it's problems of STDs, pregnancy and abortion. Young women have power, they're just using it the wrong way right now and society is in upheaval because of it.
She seems to be giving her unrequited obsession with President Bush a rest this week. I think the meds may be working.
The only thing burning on Morford is his urinary tract infection.
It's a perfect example of How Not to Write. Spectacularly bad writing is very useful in teaching situations, because it's so easy to point out to your students what the "author" is doing wrong and how to avoid it.
Still, the thing does carry the slight stench of a form of disinformation, designed to implant a deeper and contradictory message while pretending to push one more acceptable on the surface to the targetted readers. WHo cares whether they profess to believe in Jesus or not, so long as they know how to consume for the interests of the media?
Total Crap.
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