The Marriage Strike - Why are men reluctant to marry?

Radiofree West Hartford ^ | August 13, 2003 | Wendy McElroy

[ddodd3329]

Why do fewer people marry?

According to a 1999 National Vital Statistics Report from the CDC, 7.4 per 1,000 Americans married in 1998. From 1990 to 1995, the marriage rate dropped from 9.8 to 7.6. Different sources render other statistics but the trend remains sharply downward.

There is never a single or comprehensive explanation for complex phenomena that are rooted deeply in human psychology. Non-marriage is a particularly difficult issue to address because, as a recent paper from Rutgers University entitled "Why Men Won't Commit" explains, official sources are scarce. "The federal government issues thousands of reports on nearly every dimension of American life. ... But it provides no annual index or report on the state of marriage." Much of the discussion of the motives surrounding non-marriage must be anecdotal, therefore, relying on statistics to provide framework and perspective.

In examining reasons for the current decline of marriage, one question usually receives short shrift. Why are men reluctant to marry?

The Rutgers report -- admittedly based on a small sample -- found ten prevalent reasons. The first three:

They can get sex without marriage;

They can enjoy "a wife" through cohabitation; and,

They want to avoid divorce and its financial risks.

As a critic of anti-male bias in the family courts, the reasons I hear most frequently from non-marrying men are fear of financial devastation in divorce and of losing meaningful contact with children afterward. (Such feedback is anecdotal evidence but, when you hear the same response over a period of years from several hundred different sources, it becomes prudent to listen.)

In a similar vein, the Rutgers report finds: "Many men also fear the financial consequences of divorce. They say that their financial assets are better protected if they cohabit rather than marry. They fear that an ex-wife will 'take you for all you've got' and that 'men have more to lose financially than women' from a divorce."

Increasingly, men are stating their reasons for not marrying on the Internet. In an article entitled "The Marriage Strike," Matthew Weeks expresses a sentiment common to such sites, "If we accept the old feminist argument that marriage is slavery for women, then it is undeniable that -- given the current state of the nation's family courts -- divorce is slavery for men."

Weeks provides the math. One in two marriages will fail with the wife being twice as likely to initiate the proceedings on grounds of "general discontent" -- the minimum requirement of no-fault divorce. The odds of the woman receiving custody of children are overwhelming, with many fathers effectively being denied visitation. The wife usually keeps the "family" assets and, perhaps, receives alimony as well as child support. Many men confront continuing poverty to pay for the former marriage.

>>>Continued<<<

[fishbabe]

you never forget...NEVER!!!!!!! after thirty years of marriage to my mom,my stepfather can stillblow up after talking about the way his first wife took him to the cleaners!!!!!!!

[fishbabe]

you never forget...NEVER!!!!!!! after thirty years of marriage to my mom,my stepfather can stillblow up after talking about the way his first wife took him to the cleaners!!!!!!!

[george wythe]

Au naturel

No bra, no silicone
;-)

[mattdono]

Yeah, but actually I would be fine with the big piece of chicken and some lovin' from the wife. It is a rather simple premise for me, as I had pointed out in one of my initial posts.

Here is a serious question for FREEPERs: what is considered "regular" when it comes to the sexual side of an healthy marriage?

Once a day
Once a week
Every other week
Once a month

[null and void]

I once was slapped for holding a door open for my date. She said it was an insult to her and I had better apologize.

I bet she also complained that people weren't polite, too.

Right?

[Truth Hawk]

Frankly I don't understand the leaps of logic this author makes to conclude that a decline in marriage automatically means that men are the ones who won't commit. While I understand that the raw deal men are given in divorces would make that logical, it is not the reality I see around me every day.

Of the singles I know these days, the men are desperate to get married and the women are the ones who are holding back and not committing. That includes many, many divorced men. I am also seeing more younger men dating and marrying older women because the pickings are so slim. A look at singles sites on the internet show far more men looking than women.

Back in the day, marriage was practically essential if a woman wanted to be financially secure. Today, a woman can achieve financial stability without marrying. I tend to think the drop in the marriage rate has far more to do with demographics and other cultural factors than with men refusing to marry. It seems this author is using the decades-old stereotype that every single woman is single because she has had no other option.

[null and void]

Semiannual?

And don't expect any motion from the other person, unless she droppes her nail file...

[jjm2111]

"The role of unemployment in the Divine Plan. "

Huh?

[FreedomAvatar]

Who knows, maybe I will take the gamble.

Heads, you get 40 - 50 years of marriage. Tails, you lose your house, your kids, your retirement, your rights.

Do you feel lucky?

[FourPeas]

You're probably both right. And, I suppose it's simply another outgrowth of the age old problem: men, who are supposed to be the leaders, making decisions not on the basis of what is right, but on what won't get them in trouble with their wives. C.S. Lewis was right when he termed males 'Sons of Adam'.

[mattdono]

I once was slapped for holding a door open for my date. She said it was an insult to her and I had better apologize

Well I didn't get slapped, but many years ago (about 12) I opened a door for a lady going into a building (a courthouse) and she refused to walk through the door. She said, "I won't be a slave to you and won't give you the power by letting you hold the door open for me. You probably think that you can open the door for me and you will get sex. I'm a liberated woman and don't need you to open the door for me."

Dumbfounded, I stood there. Luckily, there was an older guy behind her that was being held up by her antics that piped up and said, "Hey, I'm not giving you sex either, but I appreciate you holding open the door...even if it is for some dumb b*tch."

[Quilla]

We're going to need more choices. I'm one of the lucky ones - I absolutely adore/lust after my husband. Put me down for two to three times a week.

[jjm2111]

So whadja do after she slapped you?

[MineralMan]

"I once was slapped for holding a door open for my date. She said it was an insult to her and I had better apologize. "

Here's the apology I would have given: "I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I asked you on this date. I'm sorry that your parents didn't teach you about common courtesy. Finally, I'm sorry that I won't be able to see you home. Bye, now.

[null and void]

CLASSIC!

[mattdono]

Well, I figured that everyone would pipe up with whatever the frequency is.

[FourPeas]

I've recently been reacqainted with my long dormant faith.

Welcome back.

[winodog]

When that happened it was fairly obvious to me that it would have a large influence on children as they grew up.
As the years go by we are seeing the effects and the "crazy, right wing, christian, stuffy, conservatives who want to tell everyone how to live their lives" were right.
A entire generation is growing up thinking that oral sex isnt really sex, everyone does it and theres something wrong with you if you dont.
George Washington taught us to never lie with the cherry story. The husband of the big apple antichrist has taught us that oral sex is not really sex and it is ok for men in high positions to have young interns service them.
If you are one of the lucky ones you might even become as famous as monica. What a crazy mixed up world.

[Treebeard]

As infrequently as possible is not on the list? For the most part, my theory on why men have sex at ALL after a certain number of years being married to the same woman is the same reason we occasionally do laundry:

Every once in a while you gotta throw a load in the machine just so you don't forget how.

[FourPeas]

Don't read me wrong. I don't think divorce is a good thing. It's not good for the man; it's not good for the woman; it's not good for the children; it's not good for society. My assertation is that the whole "easy" no-fault divorce caused many more problems than it was supposed to solve.