Why we cheat - ( Women )

New York Post ^ | July 13, 2003 | Susan Edelman

[UnklGene]

WHY WE CHEAT

By SUSAN EDELMAN -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- FORBIDDEN PLEASURES: Some researchers believe changes in gender roles are prompting more married women to sleep around.

July 13, 2003 -- More women are cheating on their husbands - and doing it without remorse, sex researchers say. A stunning 90 percent of adulterous wives told one Manhattan researcher they suffered "no guilt," but rather felt "entitled" to the pleasure and excitement of their secret trysts, said Susan Shapiro Barash, a gender-studies professor and author.

"Women feel entitled because they're not getting what they need in the marriage. That's why women today have affairs," said Barash, who interviewed 120 wandering women for her recent book on female infidelity, "A Passion for More: Wives Reveal the Affairs that Make or Break their Marriages."

Based on her research, Barash contends that more than 60 percent of all married women will engage in at least one affair.

And many such women - despite socioeconomic differences - can empathize with someone like Kerry Kennedy Cuomo, Barash said.

In a breakup that rocked political and high-society circles, Kennedy Cuomo, 43, split two weeks ago from her husband of 13 years, Andrew Cuomo, over her alleged affair with randy restaurateur Bruce Colley, who is also married with children.

"These women would recognize her need - her desire to have more in her life than she had in her marriage," said Barash, who interviewed everyone from bus dispatchers, cops and stay-at-home moms to high-powered financiers, doctors and lawyers for her study.

"For the women who choose it, it's with great effort, so they really juggle the affair and somehow fit it in."

Barash found her sexually active subjects by posting ads in YWCAs and asking women who responded to refer friends who were having affairs.

Some therapists don't agree with Barash. They say many wandering women experience shame and regret - and seek help for adulterous urges.

"I have not witnessed a growing experience of 'entitlement.' Their conscience is bothering them," said Kristen Harrington, a marriage counselor who treats couples for infidelity in upstate Kingston.

But other experts agreed that more women today are determined to dally and less sorry about straying.

"I don't see women feeling a lot of guilt," said Baltimore psychologist Shirley Glass, whose book, "Not Just Friends: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal," was published this year.

Like other daughters of sexually unfaithful fathers, Glass said, Kerry Kennedy Cuomo, the daughter of Robert Kennedy, could prefer that role rather than emulate mothers who serve as "martyrs" and "doormats."

Women with careers and financial resources can take more risks, she added: "If their partners find out, they can take care of themselves."

Glass also found surprising changes in men who mess around.

Traditionally, men's affairs were purely sexual, often involving a male in power enjoying "a little on the side" with a female subordinate.

"Now, men and women are working together as equals, with a lot of intellectual energy and common interests," Glass said. "It's a combination of emotional and sexual bonds. And it's more dangerous because it creates an alternative to the marriage, rather than just a supplement."

But equality hasn't erased the differences in why men and women cheat, other experts argue.

"Men have affairs to boost their self-esteem and because it's available. Their feelings are closely tied to their sexuality and potency," said Brooklyn psychologist Marcella Bakur Weiner.

"Women don't just want a night of joy and pleasure," she said. "No matter what the feminists say, women want love. They want emotional attachment and bonding."

[Cobra64]

"For the women who choose it, it's with great effort, so they really juggle the affair and somehow fit it in."

somehow what?

[rabidralph]

Am I wrong or wasn't this kennedy woman married or to be married at the same time young john kennedy died? Wasn't he flying to the rehearsal bash? Someone set me straght please?

Yes, you are mistaken. that was Rory Kennedy who was getting married the weekend John Jr. crashed. Rory, I believe, is also the one who dissed President Bush at the renaming of one of the DOJ buildings, which he invited the family of RFK to.

[krb]

Your friend "feels" entitled ? Entitled to what ?

She used to complain that her hubby doesn't want enough sex with her, so she is getting it from a co-worker now.

[YoungKentuckyConservative]

These people should stop fooling themselves, get divorces, and live the responsibility-free, morality-free, loyalty-free, and honesty-free "free love" lives they always wanted to live.

Precisely. There's nothing but shame for the women, or man, that finds themselves in a "prolonged" or "repeat" affair. If you don't like your situation, and you know you need support and stimulation outside of your arrangement, then change the arrangement. No excuses. If you're so "liberated" and "empowered", than it should be easy for you to leave your spouse and move on to something else.

[Bernard Marx]

fifty years of Playboy did a lot to tear down existing cultural constraints on them.

Playboy certainly did its part but the Pill and feminism did a lot more.

[Pikachu_Dad]

Women feel entitled because when they do this they GET the guys kids, his house, and his money.

It is a no lose game for them.

[rabidralph]

They might find their guy would reciprocate tenfold.

Why must she make the first move? Maybe the guy isn't doing his share to keep her interested in being faithful. Just a thought.

[Pukin Dog]

She used to complain that her hubby doesn't want enough sex with her, so she is getting it from a co-worker now.

If that is the case, then he is probably cheating too. Either that, or he has joined "the other team".

[nickcarraway]

ping

[mike_9958]

pretty shallow of your friend.

[krb]

or he has joined "the other team".

That's what she thinks, too.

[krb]

Yep. Extremely.

[A_perfect_lady]

"Women feel entitled because they're not getting what they need in the marriage. That's why women today have affairs,"

Disgusting attitude!! Makes honor-killings seem almost reasonable.

[cubreporter]

Oh yes, now I remember who she is....Rory. Yes, the one with less class than the rest of them not to mention a lack of plain ole manners. Thanks a lot. Appreciate it.

[babble-on]

120 people in New York City... who had an acquaintance who knew they were screwing someone on the side. This is a self selecting group of people who by definition were not ashamed of their affair inasmuch as they had told at least one friend about it.

"Barash found her sexually active subjects by posting ads in YWCAs and asking women who responded to refer friends who were having affairs. "

[viaveritasvita]

>>"But you could not get me to walk down the aisle with a woman at gunpoint."<<

I'm just curious, Puke....are you asexual? "Dating" a "nice" single woman (or several)? Self-gratification? Do you believe the crash and burn when you're not married is somehow...what? Easier than when you're married? Cleaner? Less heart-breaking? Someone said it well in an earlier post: You'll have fun for awhile until the emptiness catches up to you.

I don't think the poster you responded to meant to imply that all women are garbage. Certainly, enough woman are garbage that you'd be wise to be very careful and to examine your reasons for being with women. But, enough men are garbage for women to be wary, also. Maybe the problem lies in our choices or our actions? Maybe we trust too much in our own ability to make a marriage work, rather than on God's ability. Not to mention His reasons for marriage, rather than ours.

I'm not trying to insult or provoke you; I just know what I'm talking about, unfortunately. At this point in life, I simply cannot see myself married ever again. The risk is too great. But...what is the alternative? A life of shallow luxuries? A life of mutual masturbation and serial rutting? The emptiness the earlier posted spoke of? A life devoid of the deliriously wild release?

From C.S. LEWIS, THE FOUR LOVES: "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap your heart carefully 'round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket -- safe, dark, motionless, airless -- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...There only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and pertubations of love is Hell...."

The whole thing is utterly frigtening, and I for one cannot blame you for your sentiments about marriage, but I ask again: What are the alternatives in terms of sexuality?

[kstewskis]

I am single, financially secure for life, and I looked better in my Navy flight suit than George Bush did.

By the looks of your homepage, I'd say you did.

But you could not get me to walk down the aisle with a woman at gunpoint.

There you go. Go around showing off your "equipment," just so you can break our hearts. See how you are? LOL!!!

/kidding

[Desdemona]

Women like this give the rest of us a bad name.

And seriously, we don't care how they do it in New York.

[Canticle_of_Deborah]

From C.S. LEWIS, THE FOUR LOVES: "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap your heart carefully 'round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket -- safe, dark, motionless, airless -- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...There only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and pertubations of love is Hell...."

That's pretty scary. And accurate.

[Canticle_of_Deborah]

The researcher simply does not understand sampling and application to larger populations.

She only talked to 120 people. OK - so the equivalent is that I go down to North Alamo Street here in San Antonio, talk to 20 women I see on the street around midnight AND then I contend that at least 70% of American women have at one time been prostitutes.

The researcher's not a scientist. She's a floozy looking to justify her own issues in her own life.

You're exactly right.