Florida journalism: It's a wild, wild life [DAVE BARRY]

Miami Herald ^ | 7/06/03 | Dave Barry

[Slings and Arrows]

People always ask me: ''Is it hard to be a professional writer like you and Joyce Carol Oates?''

Yes. Very hard. Here is a true example of the kind of difficulties we face:

The other day I was in sitting at my desk in my home office, doing what I do all day, which is frown at my computer screen and wrestle with professional writing issues, such as: ''Do I have anything to say about this topic?'' And: ''What, exactly, is this topic?''

[Slings and Arrows]

Now we know what happened to William Daley.

[Little Bill]

I have a snake story, happened when I was young and dumb, it gives me the creeps when I think of the possabities.

[Slings and Arrows]

Inquiring minds want to know!

[Little Bill]

Over coming my revultions, here it is. (This is a War story so the usual provisions apply.)

We, my squad, were doing security on MSR 1 after TET and I had a guy, Pig Pen Ryan, a black dude, from Detroit. He wasn't a bad kid but he had two problems, he didn't like to wash and he was deathly afraid of snakes.

We had been rather badly knocked around during TET so most of us were semipsychotic. My assisitant SQ Leader, from a respectable family in SC, says "Hey Little Bill, you are never getting my army nick either, there is a snake over here."

So I go over and look at the damned thing, looks like a bull snake, so I grab the thing behind the neck and confront Pig Pen, Pig Pen turns white, so in my insanity I bite the head off of the damned thing, Pig Pen passes out.

I later find out that the thing is some type of viper and if I hadn't spit the head out and held it right I would have never have found FR.

[jocon307]

That is some story!

[petuniasevan]

ROFLMAO! Poorman too!

Dave Barry BUMP!

[Little Bill]

True too, for the most part, to this day I still can't eat anything that tastes like turkey, snake is supposed to tastes like chicken, poor old Pig Pen went KIA in October, '68, he was a good guy but a story in himself.

[jocon307]

Sorry to hear about Pig Pen, I was gonna ask, but I was afraid it would be sad.

Thank you for your service to our country!

[NewRomeTacitus]

You go, Little Bill! Wonder if you can sue Ozzy for infringement?

[Little Bill]

I remember him and all of the rest of my guys, those were interesting times, you can't live for ever but you can be remembered.

[gitmo]

[Little Bill]

For?

[Little Bill]

Bite Back!!!!!!!

[NewRomeTacitus]

Ozzy Osbourne, in a haze of chemical confusion, bit the head off a dove during an album promo way back around 1984. He also went with the gimmick by biting the heads off rubber bats fans would throw onstage during his show. That is, until someone threw a real, live bat one day. The mumbling one had to undergo the whole rabies routine.
Seeing as how he revived his career with these antics and ended up earning millions I thought you should at least get a good check out of it, having performed this feat long before he blundered onto it.
Also saying "Thank you" for your service. I curse the 'rats for depicting Tet as a defeat for so long most people believe that.

[Little Bill]

chemical confusion,

Herbal confusion, I don't remember, possably, Oh the smell, the smell that surrounds you, I was kinda wacked out at the time.

Don't thank me for my service, pray for those that died while serving, I enlisted and knew full well what I was getting into, RA all the way, dumb ass that I was. (My Old Man would have kicked my butt if he knew I went Army.)

[presidio9]

Like, if you see a crab or a squirrel in your path, you keep moving toward it, not because you are brave, but because you believe it will run away from you. But if it's one of those renegade crabs or squirrels that run in your direction, you -- admit it -- turn and flee, whimpering, because even though you're 200 times the critter's size, you're afraid that it will bite (or pinch) you, whereas you know in your heart that you will not bite (or pinch) it.

A neat summation of liberal foreign policy.