Posted on 07/01/2003 7:04:35 PM PDT by putupon
With apologies to Dr. Seuss
Rhymes for ACC expansion times
On the Front Row
Chris Graham
chris@augustafreepress.com
Every Hoo in Hooville hated the Hokies a lot,
But the Governor, who lived just east of Hooville, did NOT!
The Governor loved the Hokies, especially in football season.
Now, please don't ask why.
No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his priorities weren't in an order just right.
It could be, perhaps, that he's been staying out too late at night.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May be that his chances at higher office are so infinitesimally small.
Whatever the reason, the late nights or campaign blues,
He stood there on ACC Expansion Eve, berating the Hoos,
Peering down from his Mansion with a sour, Governory yawn
At the unsympathetic denizens lolling about on the Lawn.
For he knew every Hoo down in Hooville proper
Was supportive of the plans that the ACC Presidents had offered.
"They're hanging the Hokies!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Expansion Day! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Governor fingers nervously drumming,
"I must find some way to stop this Expansion from coming!"
For tomorrow, he knew, all the Hoos would embrace
After waking bright and early, knowing what was about to take place.
And then, the noise! Oh, the noise!
Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's the one thing he hated!
The noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
'Cuz the Hoos, young and old, would get together, at the least,
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!
At the demise of the Hokies and their friends in the Big East!
They would feast on Groh-pudding, and rare Gillen-roast beast
Which was something that the Hokie-loving Governor couldn't stand in the least!
And then they'd do something that he liked least of all!
Every Hoo in Hooville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with tubas and trumpets a-ringing.
They'd stand arm-in-arm, and sway, then start singing.
The "Good Ol' Song," they'd sing, they'd sing, sing, sing!
And then they'd do more of the sing-sing-sing thing!
And the more the Governor thought of this Hoo-Victory-Sing,
The more the Governor thought, "I must stop this whole thing!"
"Why, for 50-plus years, my friends, the Hokies, have put up with this now!"
"I must stop this Expansion from coming!"
" ... But, how?!"
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
The Governor got a wonderful, awful idea!
"I know just what to do."
The Governor laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick phone call to rent a Santa Claus hat and a coat.
And he chuckled and clicked, "What a great political trick!"
"Using the taxpayers' money, I can make like Saint Hokie Nick!"
"All I need is a lawyer ..."
The Governor looked around.
But since the General Assembly wasn't in session, there were none to be found.
Did that stop the Governor?! Oh, no, he simply said,
"If I can't find a real lawyer, I'll get the attorney general instead!"
So he called his friend Jerry, then took some cheap thread
And fastened a hat with the words Partner in Crime in red on his head.
Then he made some phone calls, and directed veiled, empty threats
At the Leader of the Hoos, and promised that he wouldn't forget old political debts.
Then he threatened other Governors, a rather tight pinch.
"But if Bubba Clinton could do it," he smiled, "then it must be a cinch!"
He got rebuffed only once, for a moment or two,
When he called George, a former Governor, who replied, "Governor Mark Who?"
He slithered and slunk, behind the scenes, most unnoticed.
Until his friend Jerry sued the Hoos, trying to energize the Hokies.
Then he called the news media, and reported, with glee.
"And now, for our next trick, we'll sue the whole ACC!"
And the Governor grabbed the issue, and started to shove,
Until the ACC Expansion Day was all covered with mud.
He took it all, the whole deal, growling to the world, "It's all or nothing."
"Let the Hokies in now, because I'm about to do something!"
The ACC Presidents relented, to the threats, they consented.
"The Hokies are in! Welcome!" they said, though who knows if they meant it.
And with that, the Governor had destroyed the entire Expansion Schematic,
And satisfied with his work, went out for a night at a place called The Attic.
He woke after dawn, with sharp pains in his head.
All the Hoos down in Hooville were still snug in their beds.
"Poo-poo to the Hoos!" he was Governorly humming.
"They're finding out now that the Hokies are coming!"
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!"
"Their mouths will hang open for a minute or two
"Then the Hoos down in Hooville will all cry, 'Boo-Hoo!'"
"That's a noise," said the Governor, "that I must simply hear!"
So he paused, and the Governor put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising up from below.
It started in low. Then it started to grow ...
But the sound wasn't sad!
Why this sound sounded ... indifferent!
It couldn't be so!
But it was.
Indifferent!
He stared down at Hooville!
The Governor popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
For what he saw was a Wahoo surprise!
Every Hoo in Hooville, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Even with the Hokies in the ACC, and all!
He hadn't stopped the ACC Expansion from coming!
It came!
Somehow or the other, it was just the same!
And the Governor, with his Governor-feet ice-cold in the political tableau,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"
"It came without Syracuse! It came without BC!"
"It might come without Notre Dame, perhaps even Miami!"
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Governor thought of something that he hadn't before.
"Maybe the ACC," he thought, "doesn't care what I proclaim!"
"It could very well be that I'm already a political duck that is lame!"
And what happened then ...
Well, in Hooville, they'll say
That the Governor's slim future electoral chances dropped three sizes that day.
Merry ACC Expansion Day!
Chris Graham is the co-publisher of The Augusta Free
Press.
(Published 07-01-03)
If you would like to reprint this article, contact the author at chris@augustafreepress.com.
A congrats poem for ya'lls entrance into the ACC. Welcome, I suppose
While a resident of Virginia for 35 years, I was agnostic between the schools -- but it got a laugh out of me.
(That one's dated; UVa has since replaced the astroturf at Scott Stadium with real grass, so we can't use it anymoer).
But my favorite is still:
"All dirt roads lead to Virginia Tech"
When you put it that way, this Hokie can only let your comment stand as it is.
You know who has the upper hand in a rivalry when one side has to provide the other with insults to hurl.
Corn is right. That post was rather corny.
BTW, we don't plant lawn jockeys, we pay the people who mow our lawns a little extra to plant the jockeys.
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