Mark Steyn: South Carolina's most indestructible ladies' man isn't

The Telegraph (U.K.) ^ | 06/28/03 | Mark Steyn

[Pokey78]

Strom Thurmond, the only centenarian senator in American history, is dead, and in a day or two we'll see whether the undertakers have successfully dealt with a potential problem that might, ah, arise: in the words of a favourite Washington aphorism (coined, I think, by the late John Tower), "When ol' Strom dies, they'll have to beat his pecker down with a baseball bat in order to get that coffin lid closed."

There's the epitaph a lot of us guys would like. Some eulogists will speak about his heroism in war. Others will deplore his 1948 presidential campaign as the segregationist candidate. But to many of us, Strom will be fondly remembered as South Carolina's most indestructible ladies' man. In his early 90s, the wizened Republican with the fiery orange hair-plugs made an ill-advised attempt at bipartisan outreach and groped fellow Senator Patty Murray. In his late 90s, he had a little light petting session with, um, me.

This was my only close encounter with him, and a lot closer than I'd expected. It was the first day of the Clinton impeachment trial and, in a chaotic melee by the lifts, I was suddenly pushed forward and thrown between Thurmond and California Senator Barbara Boxer.

Ol' Strom had just cast an appreciative bipartisan eye over the petite brunette liberal extremist. Ms Boxer gave an involuntary shudder. I'd been squashed between the two for about five seconds when I became aware of a strange tickling sensation on my elbow. Glancing down, I was horrified to see an unusually large lizard slithering up and down my arm. On closer inspection, it proved to be Strom's hand. Presumably he'd mistaken my dainty elbow for Barbara's, but who knows? I can't speak for Patty Murray, but I found the mild electric frisson not unpleasant.

A senator is only as old as the woman he feels, and, until he started hitting on Telegraph columnists, that's one thing Strom always had a feel for. He was the only circuit court judge in South Carolina history to have had sex with a condemned murderess as she was being transferred from the women's prison to death row. This was Sue Logue, the only woman in the state ever to be sent to the chair, but not before she'd been sent to the back seat of Judge Thurmond's car for a lively final ride.

It was a particularly bloody murder case that had begun when Mr Logue's calf had been kicked to death by some other feller's mule. Things had escalated from there. Strom was said to have had a soft spot for Mrs Logue, whom he'd hired as a teacher back when he was school superintendent. She didn't meet the minimum qualifications for the post, but she was said to have had unusual "vaginal muscular dexterity".

I mention this not merely to be salacious and gossipy - perish the thought - but only because, after profiling a thousand politicians from Al Gore to John Prescott to Wim Kok, one is naturally grateful for a subject with whom one can introduce the phrase "vaginal muscular dexterity" without it feeling shoehorned in. I may use it again before the column is out.

Strom was the best thing about that strange impeachment trial. There were rumours that Larry Flynt, Hustler's head honcho, had been working with Clinton operatives to provide the President with an insurance policy lest the numbers got a little close: he'd promised to hunt down video evidence of any amorous adventuring by hypocritical senators minded to convict.

Naturally, we in the media were eager to see what Flynt might produce. I turned up one morning to find my colleagues immersed in a scandal from an unexpected corner - "Thurmond In World's Oldest Love-Child Shocker!" Apparently, someone had alleged that, in 1923, Strom had fathered a child by a black woman. It seemed unlikely even Larry Flynt could have video evidence, though perhaps he had an authentic silent movie of the incident with full piano accompaniment and ornately bordered dialogue cards saying, "Why, Mistuh Thurmond suh, what are you doin' here at this hour?"

In the end, like most everything else, it just added to Strom's lustre. He retired in January, after a 100th birthday party that set off a chain of events culminating in the fall of Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott. Aside from the ill-advised remarks on segregation that cost him his job, Lott also made a joke about the centenarian sex fiend attending the opening of Hooters, a restaurant chain with skimpily attired waitresses, and suggested that Strom replace Bob Dole's over-excited dog in a Pepsi commercial featuring Dole and Britney Spears.

The National Organisation for Women denounced the pervasive sexism of Strom's knees-up. The longest-serving senator in history could hardly have asked for a better curtain call: a 100th birthday bash that prompts feminist outrage. In an age of dull politicians who merely follow their polls, Strom at least had one worth following.

[MeekOneGOP]

Thanks, Pokey.

Rest in Peace, Strom !

[wimpycat]

That's the second Mrs. Thurmond. I knew she was a Miss South Carolina. I didn't know the first one was, though.

[wingnuts'nbolts]

Can't thank her enough for sharing that with us. What a great thing to do! We really needed to know this, if it is indeed true. But then who cares?

Grope on Strom! Bubba is pulling for you! Nothing wrong with appreciating the opposite sex, that is the way it was conceived and executed! Never heard that Strom forced himself on anyone, and the women certainly did like him, for one reason or the other over the years, didn't they?

Have a great afterlife in political heaven, Strom, you've earned it. May have actually done something constructive during your years in government. God Bless you and he knows!

[jinxtigr]

Huh. Yeah- that was confusing me. This is different from Clinton, how? Did Strom ever come up with any good quotes like "you might want to put some ice on that"?
*shrug* suit yourselves, I guess. I'm just surprised. I thought Clinton's lechery was a BAD thing. Callous, immoral, and pretty disrespectful of other human beings. Maybe it is, just seems like it ain't alone. Politicians!

[Lauratealeaf]

A friend of mine's daughter was a Senate page for Trent Lot during 1994-1995. She didn't really care for Trent Lot but said that Bob Dole and Strom Thurmond were really nice guys. She said that Strom was always kind to the kids and made sure that they were treated right. He also bought them ice cream. She said that Strom was good to them all, male and females.

[wingnuts'nbolts]

Even the rascalls used to be gentlemen!

[The_Media_never_lie]

One of my favorite stories about the Thurmonator, was when a group of feminists met with him concerning some issue they were pushing. Sen. Thurmond during the meeting said, "My, you are certainly a very charming group of ladies". I'm sure any one of you could get yourself a man if you had a mind to.

How was that for a way to get their goat? How could they get angry at the little 85+ year old senator?

[Tribune7]

Don't know that Strom was ever accused of rape. Nor did he ever sign sexual harassment legislation into law with the intent of breaking it. Nor was he ever accused of killing anybody's cat. Nor did he ever lobby for war while getting serviced by an intern. Nor did any of his girlfriends accuse him of making threats to do bodily harm. Nor did he ever spread untrue stories about women. Nor did he have any serpent-headed minions spread untrue stories about women.

And he certainly didn't dodge any draft.

[Auntie Mame]

My boss's daughter, along with a group of her high school chums also spent some time with Strom when at the tender age of 15--about five years ago. She has since turned into a flaming wacked-out vegeterian liberal, but even so, she keeps his photograph prominently displayed on her wall and speaks of him with great affection.

[Irene Adler]

Thank you for posting the picture. Strom really was a handsome man, wasn't he. Really soulful eyes. I never knew.

[mrustow]

Bob Dole on Strom's 90th birth day party in the senate, remarked..."Good news.. Strom's 4th wife was born today in Greenville, South Carolina."

Love that Bob! If only he'd taken that dog off the leash in '96!

[UnklGene]

Old Strom was a real life hero in WWII. 2nd Lt. to Lt. Col..
Parachuted behind enemy lines on D-Day with the 82nd Airborne. 5 battlestars, 18 decorations.

[lainde]

Wow...Two Steyns in one day! BTTT

[lainde]

Hilarious...best laugh all week. Now that's an Obit!

[knighthawk]

Ping

[ontos-on]

Actually, the Book of Revelation says that fornicators will go into the Lake of Fire, but I suppose that's kind of a downer to mention.

Let me try and understand. You could not think of anything else to add to this thread, but you just knew we'd all want to know you were there and disapproving with disdain and smugery. Guess you were just doing your duty, right?

[ontos-on]

Dole had a sharp wit as witnessed by this example. But he is inherently weak [I know he was wounded with the mountain division in Italy] in respect to breaking from the establishment. He was not a leader in that sense. He is essentially conventional and go with the flow, even when it appears he is doing somehthing novel. Any man who would do those Viagra commercials has a misplaced sense of what should be said and what should not.

"ED, indeed" He could do those commercials because he knew that the slick and smart commentators would approve his debasing spectacle. Approval is his master. His appearance with Imus over and over again, as the loser Republican: amusing yet losing . .....and not convincing, is a good image for his totality. He wanted to be liked too much. That is why he did not try to lead or convince people of that which he suspected was unpopular. [That is why he never really could or would risk being unpopular by truly characterizing Clinton in that campaign.] I think that was his character flaw. But maybe,I have just defined 90 % or more of all politicians.

[mrustow]

You're right, I know. When he ran for president in 1996, he wouldn't even criticize affirmative action. Although I respected Dole for having served his country in an age when most politicians of both parties are draft-dodgers, but I still had to hold my nose when I voted for him. The "senator from Archer Daniels Midland" was and is typical of everything wrong with the GOP. You know, the folks who've gotten billions in ethanol subsidies. Dole's GOP is pro-big business without being pro-freedom.

[JoeSchem]

Let me try and understand. You could not think of anything else to add to this thread, but you just knew we'd all want to know you were there and disapproving with disdain and smugery. Guess you were just doing your duty, right?

I don't think I was smug about it. I think Strom Thurmond was kind of smug, because he was acting as the vanguard of Christian morality when in fact he was nothing more than a racist, sexist opportunist. Of course, he was our racist, sexist opportunist, and I appreciate his voting record. But that won't help him now, will it?

[Imal]

Actually, the Book of Revelation says that fornicators will go into the Lake of Fire, but I suppose that's kind of a downer to mention.

He only has to worry about that if he was a devout Christian. :^D