When You Run Out of Ideas...

ChronWatch ^ | 25 June 2003 | Doc Farmer

[DocFarmer]

When You Run Out of Ideas...

by Doc Farmer

I've been racking my brain for the past hour, trying to come up with ideas for my next column. I know I'll have to create something funny, pithy, humorous, and witty because that's what my editor wants. And from what I've been able to gather, that seems to be what the readers want as well.

Man, the pressure!

It's hard to come up with new stuff all the time, so those of you who think that writing is an easy gig can think again. Sometimes it's really simple--something interesting (or annoying) happens in the news, and you give your opinion on it. You stretch it to around a thousand words, which makes the editor happy. But by in large you get your point across in a manner that informs and entertains (whenever and wherever possible).

And then there are times like this. Times when the news isn't worth commenting on. Oh, I know, there's a lot of stuff going on, but is it worth wasting your breath on it?

The Israel/Palestinian ''road map'' to peace, for example. What a load. Does anybody REALLY believe that the so-called ''Palestinians'' want peace? Oh, I'm sure the folks living there generally want to keep from being blown up. But the hard-core nutcases (see also: terrorists) are never going to let that happen. So while this road may be paved with good intentions, the sign ahead reads ''Next Stop - Hell''.

And then there's Slick Willie floating the idea of becoming mayor of New York City. Now granted, Bloomberg is a lib/dem/soc/commie, who ran as a rep/con in order to get the job, and he's about as useless as scuba-gear to a pike, but does anybody seriously believe that Clinton would even want that job? So far, Clinton has wanted to be Secretary General of the UN, Governor of New York, Mayor of New York City, King of France, Padishah Emperor of the Known Universe, the Kwisatz Haderach and dog-catcher (3rd class) of Bendover Illinois. Not that he's remotely qualified for any of those jobs, mind you.

Of course, there's always Martha Stewart. Yawn. Here's a woman, a millionaire/billionaire/zillionaire, who gets nailed for insider trading that netted her, what, 50 grand? Does this sound remotely plausible to you? And do you really care? The prosecutor said that she lied, and that's what they're going after her on. When they nail Slick and Hellary for that, or get the guy who helped clean out Global Crossing (Clintonista Terry McAuliffe) then maybe they can go after Martha Stewart.

And if finance is not your forté, you can always try out the sickening details of the murder of a pregnant woman. Thousands of folks get whacked every year in the States, and yet the news media goes ga-ga over this. It's national news. Every single day. And the husband has already been found guilty by the media. Lord knows if he really is or not, but the media has spoken, so fry the sorry sack of semolina and move on to the next brutal case you can sensationalise. Note to Media: Does the name ''Richard Jewell'' ring a bell at all? Next, please.

I've been tempted for a while to take a dig at the mainstream media and blast their leftist leanings, but then I'd be labelled as part of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy. I could be somebody who watches ''Fox and Friends'' or thinks that Neil Cavuto isn't really that fat (and next to me, he isn't), which immediately labels me as a member of an evil secretive cabal bent on the destruction of the God Emperors of the DNC, the Clintons.

(By the way, the next VRWC meeting will be held on Saturday, 28 June at Mothership LXXXVII [the Righteous Reaganites], which is currently hidden behind the Stuckey's just outside Hattiesburg, Mississippi. The password is ''I Fell Off My Segway'' and the guest speakers are Elvis, Amelia Earhart, and the Lindburgh Baby. Don't forget to buy a Pecan Log.)

My editor suggested a column about political pundit Dick Morris, the guy who used to work for (and apparently get beat up by) Bill Clinton. Morris talked about this recently, in order to rebut some of Hellary's statements in her book. Apparently Hellary doesn't like Dick since he found God, and she found out it wasn't her. Now if Hellary had beat up Dick Morris, THEN there might be a good article.

Of course, I could always do a retrospective of my earlier works here. I could wonder why Ann Coulter hasn't called or written or subpoenaed me yet. I could tell you how clever I was with my Little Red Hen Redux story. I could ask for a tally of dead blasted lawyers so far. I could tell you how hot it is right now in Doha, Qatar (or, more accurately, how humid it is).

Naw, that's self-serving tripe. I won't lower myself to that point.

Self-serving tripe. Now there's something you'd never want to find in a buffet. Maybe that's the next step in genetically modified foods...

As you can see, there's not much worth commenting on. Which is why I can't think of a blasted thing to write about this week. I hope you'll forgive me. I'll try to do better next time.

This article was originally posted on ChronWatch at: http://www.chronwatch.com/content/contentDisplay.asp?aid=3230 www.chronwatch.com

[Sundog]

Somebody needs to join Free Republic.